Heard at Starbucks

THE CAPTAIN AND SCHLEMIEL ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2012-01-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we successfully scared away another German tourist at 7th and Montana yesterday ... and all it took was a little song and dance from Rigolatte. The fun began when Rigolatte -- known for locking himself in the men's room at Our Favorite Starbucks and belting out opera tunes for hours on end -- started singing a medley of '70s hits. You haven't lived until you've heard him crooning his own version of "Love Will Keep us Together" to a container of Soy Milk. "Ach," said the tourist, standing behind me in line, "We don't get entertainment like that back home!" I looked at him quizzically and said, "I'm sure I don't know what you mean." "That guy over there," he said, pointing at Rigolatte, who by now was busy stuffing his pockets full of artificial sweetener. "Is there something unusual about him?," I asked, then corrected myself. "Oh, I see what you mean. Good God, he's wearing white shoes after Labor Day!"

MEET JOHN DOE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2012-01-25T21:36:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet John Doe, an Anonymous Newcomer who made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning ... and did absolutely nothing extraordinary. I wouldn't have noticed him at all except that Kathy called my attention to him. "See that guy over there," she said, "He's been sitting here all week." "All week?," I asked. "All week," she said. I zoomed-in for a closer look, but there wasn't anything unusual about him. He wasn't belting out opera tunes; He wasn't pilfering Sweet 'n Low; He wasn't even throwing imaginary footballs at phantom goal posts. He was just sitting there, taking up space, reading a book. Or so it seemed. Mark my words, if he keeps showing up around here, one of these days he's going to snap. And I'll be right there with my Spycam to capture it for posterity ...!

FOOTBALL LOON ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2012-01-24T17:51:00.000-08:00

It was Hut, Hut, Hike at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Loon made the scene, dazed, confused and intent on treating Our Favorite Starbucks like a football stadium. "I'm going out for a pass!," he yelled as he ran through the front door. "Can you believe it ... I've made the Varsity team and I'm only 15!" Truth be told, he was 50 if he was a day. He weaved his way around the pastry case to the condiments bar screaming "I'm open, I'm open," then made a bee line for my table. "Look sharp!," he yelled, inexplicably dumping a handful of razor blades on my table for safe keeping. I avoided making eye contact, but couldn't help noticing that he was dancing wildly in place, shifting his weight from one foot to the other like he was standing on hot coals. "Gotta Go!," he yelled, and then spun around, ran into the men's room and slammed the door behind him. Moments later, he emerged, only to spend the next five minutes running through Starbucks: Out the back door, in the front door, and so on. "Gotta love his style," said one witness. "Yes," I agreed, "He's certainly pathletic." Who knows, maybe he's in training for the Stuporbowl ...!

WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2012-01-23T20:24:00.000-08:00

When it rains, it pours at 7th and Montana ... but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I was reminded of that this morning by an Anonymous Local who innocently commented on the weather as I held the door open for her. "I just love a good rain shower," she said, "Everything smells so nice and fresh." I nodded my head and took a big whiff ... but by then it was too late. We were inside and the door had closed. "Ahhhh," I said, as if to agree, "You're right. Nothing gives you a quick jolt quite like Essence of Wet Guru ...!"

ALL ABOARD THE KINDNESS BUS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2012-01-22T17:39:00.000-08:00

Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana this morning as a rickety, old school bus festooned with messages ranging from "One Million Acts of Kindness" to "Spread Kindness to Everyone Every Chance you Get" chugged its way past Our Favorite Starbucks and down Montana Avenue. "Yikes, that thing looks like a relic," I said as it putt-putted across 7th Street on a left wing and a prayer. "Something tells me that's not the Newt-mobile," I said. Surely, there was something familiar about the driver ... but it wasn't Mrs. Partridge. Research suggests that it was a man named Bob who is criss-crossing the country on a ten-year tour, spreading grooviness and goodwill in his wake. You can find his blog here: One Million Acts of Kindness. As Bob puts it, the "Kindness Bus is the greatest-looking vehicle on the road in the United States." I have no comment on that ... and that, my friends, is my act of kindness for today!

RIP VAN STINKEL ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2012-01-21T17:35:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Rip van Stinkel, the latest in a long line of zombies to somnambulate their way to 7th and Montana and collapse in a heap at Our Favorite Starbucks. This one spent four hours this morning frozen in position at a table by the front door. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say Rigor Mortis has set in," I said. "Go on in," said Kathy, "I'm sure you can get a close-up and he'll never notice your spycam." But I kept my distance. Something tells me this guy likes a good clash ... but maybe that's just all his plaid talking!

BACK ON BOARD ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2012-01-20T20:36:00.000-08:00

Sorry, folks, for my prolonged absence, but I was traveling at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas and then I got sick ... all of which kept me away from 7th and Montana for a while. But this morning I was back on board and not a moment too soon. Rigolatte -- our Friendly Neighborhood Opera Loon -- was in rare form, mumbling incoherently in a deep baritone. I was so happy to see him I nearly pulled my chair in closer to give him a friendly wave 'hello.' But as any good cruise ship captain can tell you, that's just asking for trouble. As for Rigolatte, he had other things on his mind. "Off with you, Beelzebub!," he screamed at no one in particular. And with that, he walked right into Starbucks to line his coffers with artificial sweetener. It's good to be back ...!

EXPRESS LINE?... AT PAVILIONS

2012-01-08T23:32:00.000-08:00

Don't you just hate it when someone tries to sneak a huge cartful of groceries through the "Express Line" at the supermarket? It happened to me this morning at Pavilions and I finally decided to do something about it. The fun began when I noticed a woman with a completely full cart at the end of the line. "Excuse me," I said, politely, "Are you waiting in the Express Line?" "You bet I am!," she said defiantly, as if daring me to comment on the fact that she had at least 25 items in her cart. I smiled and got in line behind her, but the more I thought about it, the more irritated I got. By the time she advanced to the check-out, I had formulated a plan. I decided to count out each item as she placed it on the conveyor belt, in the kind of exaggerated, 'gee-I'm-learning-my-numbers' voice one might hear on Sesame Street. "Oooooone!" ... "Twooooooo!" ... "Threeeeeee," I went on and on as she unloaded breadsticks, toiletpaper and various other items. She glared at me. I then changed tactics and instead of calling out each number, I just hummed each syllable, sort of like the teacher in the old Charlie Brown cartoons. "Mmmmm-Mmmmmm-Mmmmmm," I said when she reached 23. She was so irritated that she grabbed a handful of candies and added them to her order at the last-minute just to spite me. I machine-gunned my reply: Mmmm .... Mmmmm .... Mmmmm ... Mmmmm ... and so on. I'm sure she was hoping I'd shut-up, but when you get right down to it, what good is an Express Line if you can't Express yourself!

GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2012-01-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Skip," an agile young man in his mid-twenties who astonished the crowd at 7th and Montana this morning by skipping up 7th Street as if he were Dorothy and it was a Yellow Brick Road. I don't know if he was off to see the wizard -- or even a scarecrow -- but if I only had a brain I would have set my Spycam on video. As it is, he was moving so fast the best I could do was capture this image of him receding in the distance beyond Goose Egg Park. Who knows, maybe he's British and he really had to use the bathroom. At the rate he was going, it sure as hell looked like had to skip to someone's loo ...!

WRONGO BONGO ... NEAR 7TH AND MONTANA!

2012-01-01T20:38:00.000-08:00

The New Year arrived with a bang at 7th and Montana this morning as competition reared its ugly head. "I think Wal-Mart has now surpassed 7th and Montana," said Howard, who sent me a link to a video filled with more than two dozen snapshots of weirdos from Wal-Mart, all set to a tune by a man known as "Mr. Walmartian" who claims that "every night is Halloween" at Wal-Mart. The video -- Walmartians -- features everything from men-in-drag to women popping out of their spandex, not to mention a stray butt crack or two. Well, Mr. Walmartian, if you're out there, I'll see you your two dozen weirdos and raise you a psychopath. Meet Mr. Bong, a new loon who descended in our midst at 7th and Montana this morning like baby new year. He roller skates around the neighborhood while playing a Bongo drum and yodeling like Heidi on acid. And something tells me you won't find him at Wal-Mart ...!

HAPPY NEW YEAR ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-31T16:47:00.000-08:00

It was a quiet end to an action-packed year at 7th and Montana this morning. The Priest conducted a group counseling session at a table on the sidewalk; Rigolatte -- who has been sounding more and more like Ethel Merman lately -- stood by the condiments bar singing Auld Lang Syne; and a group of local loons held hands and chanted at Goose Egg Park. The only person who showed any signs of wanting to 'whoop it up' was an Anonymous Newcomer -- a blond woman in her mid-forties -- whose taste in tattoos leaves something to be desired. A funky design ran up her back, culminating in an arrow pointing directly at her scalp. Either she's afraid of losing her mind, or she's a visitor from Lake Arrowhead ...!

SWEET SURRENDER ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-31T06:24:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Mr. Sugarman," the scourge of nutritionists everywhere. Just days after "the Guru" tried to convince the crowd at 7th and Montana that Splenda was worth its weight in gold, Mr. Sugarman made the scene with another objective in mind: to pour as much sugar as humanly possible into his coffee. "Yikes," said Joyce, "That man just poured an entire inch of sugar into his cup." By the time I got my Spycam into position, he had already finished with the sugar and was tasting his concoction. He winced and then, to my surprise, added another inch of sugar. If it's true what they say -- that "a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down" -- this guy must be on horse pills ...!

CAFFEINE CONFESSIONAL ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-29T20:34:00.000-08:00

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I eavesdropped again at 7th and Montana this morning ... and I'm sure you would, too, if you saw what I saw. Sitting right there at the table next to me was a Priest busy counseling a member of his flock, a woman in her early forties. "Jackpot!," I muttered, whipping out my Spycam, "I've stumbled into a confessional. This should be interesting." But it wasn't. The woman -- damn her -- was speaking in hushed tones, so all I could make out was that she was frustrated about something. And the Priest -- heaven help us -- was mumbling. Every now and then I think he used the word "rosary," but then again, he might have been calling her "Rosemary." I felt like grabbing him by the collar and saying, "For the love of God, man, enunciate ... a blog entry hangs in the balance!" But no, I kept my mouth shut and missed their entire conversation. I tell you, nothing is sacred anymore ...!

HEY, BIG SPLENDA ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-26T13:54:00.000-08:00

The Guru, our favorite local expert on all things, shocked the crowd at 7th and Montana this morning with some advice on nutrition. "Splenda, I tell you, is the secret to eternal youth," he said to the woman on his left. "It's chock full of nutrients. I eat as much of it as I can." The woman began quietly inching away, but that didn't stop him. "Oops, I spilled a little," he said, sweeping a few particles directly into his mouth. "You are what you eat!," he cried. "In that case," I muttered, "I'm surprised he's not more into Nutmeg." For the record, the main ingredients in Splenda are Dextrose, Maltodextrin and Sucralose ... a combination that wouldn't even pass muster with the nutritionists who set the federal guidelines for school lunches. I don't know what the Guru has been smoking lately, but something tells me he's mixed a little Splenda in the Grass ...!

YULETIDE FRUITCAKE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-25T14:46:00.000-08:00

Yuletide Fruitcake was on the menu today at 7th and Montana, thanks to the arrival of an Anonymous Dingbat who made the scene wearing a hat made out of what looked like a twisted red slinky between two layers of white faux fur. "Sheesh," I muttered, "Either she's getting her fashion advice from Blitzen or she's just plain Blitzed." No one knows exactly what she was up to, but she was last seen heading due North on a white bicycle with a yapping red Pomeranian at the helm ...!

A TREEMENDOUS ACHIEVEMENT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-24T16:37:00.000-08:00

The holidays are enough to test anyone's metal, but Malissa and her new main squeeze Adam (pictured above) took the challenge literally this year. "We've constructed a Christmas tree entirely out of metal," said Adam. The fun began when Malissa said she wanted to go for something sustainable this year. Adam put his thinking cap on, and the result was a tree made out of spiraling metal, festooned with lights and sustainable enough to withstand Armageddon. Something tells me Malissa and Adam's relationship will be just as enduring. "It seems like you've found yourself a great guy," said Joyce. "I sure did," agreed Malissa, "And it was about God dang time!" I guess until now she was barking up the wrong tree.

FASHION FUSION ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-23T15:45:00.000-08:00

Too much egg nog goes to the noggin ... and if you don't believe me, ask the Unfortunate Fashion Victim who made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning wearing a safari jacket, go-go boots and a floppy hat along with a skin-tight, glittery purple miniskirt. "Yikes," said Joyce, "She looks like a cross between Indiana Jones and Charo." "True," I agreed, "But at least we know where shops: The Temple of Doom ...!"

PRIMO PASSO UPDATE ...!

2011-12-21T20:58:00.000-08:00

The doors opened this morning -- at least for a brief moment -- at Primo Passo, the new coffee shop under construction across from Our Favorite Starbucks. I poked my head in long enough to see a crew of workers scurrying about. Rumor has it the new cafe will open in a matter of weeks, though there's still a lot of work to do. The space has been completely transformed, with a new "loft" replacing what was formerly a hidden second floor. "It looks like they're spending a lot of money," said one witness. Stay tuned!

THE EYES HAVE IT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-20T07:07:00.000-08:00

Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana yesterday ... but they weren't human. A silver Hyundai made the scene with giant eyelashes glued to its headlights. "Ay-ay-ay, now I've seen everything," I muttered, whipping out my spycam. What would possess someone to put eyelashes on a car? I would have run into the street to ask -- and get a close-up -- but the car's engine was running ... and so was its mascara!

THE SLIPPERY SIPPY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-18T21:39:00.000-08:00

Confidential to the father and son team who left a blue Cars 2 Sippy cup at 7th and Montana this morning: I found it after you left and gave it to the Baristas for safe keeping. You can reclaim it in the morning!

THE STAR-MAKER ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-18T17:00:00.000-08:00

Opportunity was not only knocking, it was laughing like a hyena and pounding its head against a wall last week as Rigolatte -- the man known for locking himself in the men's room at Our Favorite Starbucks and belting out opera tunes for hours on end -- tried out a new role, that of Svengali. He walked right up to Barista Chelsea and offered to make her a star. "You have potential, kid," he crooned, "With your looks and talent I could make you a Singing Sensation!" Witnesses say Chelsea smiled sweetly and took it all in stride. As for Rigolatte, rumor has it he's already landed Chelsea her first gig: A solo performance at the ladies room at Pavilions ...!

ROOTIN' TOOTIN' RASPUTIN ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-17T19:38:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've seen the future face of 7th and Montana and, as one might expect, it looks a lot like a loon. A new coffee shop called Primo Passo is opening directly across from Our Favorite Starbucks next month and its mascot -- a man whose face appears on the promotional poster they put up this morning -- looks like he could be Lizzie Borden's soul mate, complete with deep-set, beady eyes and a beard that hangs below his waistline. I, for one, am thrilled. "Just what we need around here," I said, "Another Rasputin look-a-like to liven things up!" As for the coffee, early reports suggest that it will be "high-end," served individually brewed based on micro-roasted, direct trade beans. With any luck, they'll be blog-friendly ...!

EVERYTHING'S DUCKIE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-17T19:28:00.000-08:00

Feathers were flying at 7th and Montana this morning and if you don't believe me, ask Howard. He made the scene this morning carrying a plush stuffed duck which he proceeded to keep on his lap throughout the morning. "Look," laughed Richard, "It's Howard the Duck!" For his part, Howard -- who was holding the stuffed animal for his granddaughter Harper -- took it all in stride. I guess to him it was all like water off a duck's back ...!

HEAD GAMES ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-11T17:29:00.000-08:00

They say that three heads are better than one ... and if you don't believe me, just ask the Undertaker, the local loon whose perennial gray pallor and taste in black suits and fedoras gives him all the joie de vivre of an embalmer. He made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning toting three heads of lettuce. I looked at him, then I looked at the lettuce. "I'll bet you want some," he said, knowingly, "I'm sure you want some, but you can't have any. It's mine. All mine!!!" He placed a protective hand over one of the bags and glared at me. Oh well, times are tough. Maybe he's just trying to keep his head above water ...

FINDING RELIGION ... IN SAN FRANCISCO!

2011-12-10T23:18:00.000-08:00

The closer you get to Seattle, the more religious people get about their coffee. I guess that's why I wasn't surprised this morning when -- on taking a final walk around Nob Hill in San Francisco -- I stumbled upon this sign: "We Proudly Brew Peet's Coffee & Tea," hanging in front of Grace Cathedral. "I guess that's one way to fill seats," I said. I was half-tempted to walk in and order a Holy Water Cappuccino, but I heard the Synagogue down the street was serving Dunkin Donuts.

A LOON AGAIN, NATURALLY ... AT GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE!

2011-12-09T16:36:00.000-08:00

In case you're wondering, all the Loons aren't at 7th and Montana. A few of them migrate north for the Winter. Take the Bionic Moron, for example, a would-be Cyborg whose idea of seamlessly integrating technology into his life is to strap a Walkman to his left ear with a bungee cord. A colleague of mine caught up with him yesterday, marching across the Golden Gate Bridge to the beat of a different drummer. "Good God," I said, "If that's where he keeps his Walkman, I don't want to know where he stores his cassette tapes ...!"

EXPLORING THE FAIRMONT ...

2011-12-08T15:47:00.000-08:00

It was something old and something new today in San Francisco as I explored my hotel, the Fairmont and its surroundings in Nob Hill. The Fairmont is among the oldest buildings in the city and I can say that with certainty since it's one of the few buildings to have survived the earthquake of 1906. In fact, work on the Fairmont was completed and the hotel was preparing for a grand opening just days before the earthquake struck. The building emerged relatively unscathed from the earthquake, but much of the interior was destroyed 24-hours later when fires ravaged the city.

I found this rare photograph in the basement of the hotel, taken just days after the earthquake. In it you can see how devastated the city was and just how miraculous it was that the hotel remained standing. The Fairmont sits, then as now, at the top of the hill, rising above the city like the Parthenon. Aside from natural disasters, I guess the only thing the folks at the Fairmont have to worry about these days is an attack from Hansel and Gretel. Sitting in the lobby, just steps from the reception desk, is the world's largest Gingerbread House. It's two stories high and is made of 7,500 gingerbread sticks, 1,200 pounds of chocolate icing, and 650 pounds of candy ...!

CRACKING UP ... ON FLIGHT 1798!

2011-12-07T17:32:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "the Crackler," the scourge of American Airlines Flight #1798 last night to San Francisco. From the minute he arrived at the gate to the minute the plane landed, he cracked his gum again and again so loudly that several people asked him to stop. He ignored them. For my part, I decided "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." I matched each crack with an "oink" which, given that he was sitting across the aisle from me, meant that the hour-long flight went something like this: "CRACK" ... "oink" ... "CRACK" ... "oink" ... "CRACK" ... "oink ..." He didn't seem to understand what I was doing. Who knows, maybe he was on crack ...!

GREAT EXPECTATIONS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-06T10:12:00.000-08:00

Local Lovebirds David and Kerry threw the crowd for a loop this weekend at 7th and Montana with a surprise announcement. "I have some news for you," David said, taking a long breath, "We're expecting ..." There was a pregnant pause, during which I started to wonder whether Kerry was pregnant, until Kerry herself filled the gap. "I'm NOT having a baby!," she said, playfully punching David in the arm. "We're getting a puppy," David continued, smiling. "Ahh," I said. Truth be told, anyone who knows Kerry already knew that the pitter patter of little paws was in their future, but I guess David's announcement does make it official. The bundle of joy -- a "Malti-Poo" (a hybrid cross between a Maltese and Poodle) -- should arrive just in time for the holidays. Congratulations to the happy couple!

KNOCK, KNOCK ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-04T18:40:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Melony," a striking woman who made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning with breasts so enhanced Jules Verne could have used them to fly around the world in 80 days. The fact that she wore a skin-tight t-shirt that was cut at the neck made them all the more noticeable. "Yikes," said one witness, "They've obviously been enhanced to the max." Some say "to each their own," others say she looked "udderly ridiculous." As for me, all I can do is keep you abreast of the situation ...!

WHO'S AFRAID OF A LITTLE DRAMA ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-03T16:42:00.000-08:00

It was High Drama this morning at 7th and Montana as a young couple went at it tooth and nail, raising their voices and speaking so harshly to one another that I didn't know what to do first, call 911 or whip out my Spycam. I chose the latter and good thing, too. Their dialogue was far too entertaining to risk breaking it up. At one point, it went something like this:

Woman: You make me PUKE!!

Man: What?

Woman: Uh ... You make me PUKE!

Man: That wasn't a very nice thing to say.

Woman: That wasn't what?

Man: ... a very nice thing to say!

Woman: You're such a SIMP!!

And then the argument stopped as abruptly as it started. The man turned to his companion as if nothing had happened and said, "I'm going back for another cup of coffee, can I get you another drinkypoo?" I glanced at their table and suddenly everything became clear. They were reading from the script of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" Well Albee damned ...!

A NOTE OF THANKS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-03T15:28:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to take a few minutes to thank all of the locals who took or sent photographs of what was happening at 7th and Montana while I was in Massachusetts last week. Based on the photos, I guess the neighborhood's cup -- or trash can -- runneth over and, in unrelated news, there must have been a fire somewhere on 7th Street. Sorry I didn't get a chance to put it all in the blog ... but it's nice to know folks cared enough to whip out their Spycams in my absence!

CLAUDIA THE CLOD ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-03T08:27:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, meet “Claudia,” an attractive young newcomer at 7th and Montana who – how can I put this delicately? – is a Clod. There I was, minding my own business yesterday, just trying to walk from the cash register to the condiments bar, when she stood up from her table and, without even looking, hoisted a large bag over her shoulder and onto my coffee cup. Coffee went flying all over my sport coat. “I’m soooo sorry,” she said, sincerely. “Not to worry,” I replied, “That’s why God invented brown sport coats!” Truth be told, it was custom-made, but I guess now, thanks to Claudia, it’s even more ‘customized.’ I quietly whipped out my Spycam and discretely took her photo. Later, when I looked at it, I realized that I wasn’t so discrete, afterall. She was staring right into the camera, as if she knew what I was up to. Oh, well ... I guess that makes me a Clod, too!

PAR FOR THE COURSE ... AT 14TH AND MONTANA!

2011-12-01T06:39:00.000-08:00

Controversy reared its ugly head at 7th and Montana last night as word spread that the "Golfer" -- the man of mystery who for weeks has been spending his mornings discussing golf strategies with a pro in front of Our Favorite Starbucks -- has been moonlighting at Peets. Yes, it's true. There I was, walking by the Peets at 14th and Montana, when I couldn't help noticing that the Golfer was sitting inside, comparing notes with another aspiring pro. I first blogged about the Golfer back on November 14. At the time, no one could figure out why two people would spend day after day practicing golf shots (without clubs or balls) in front of a Starbucks. At the time I speculated that a pro was imparting his wisdom to a disciple. It turns out I had the roles reversed. The man pictured above is a coach and evidently he meets with his clients at popular cafes on Montana. Who knows, maybe his game stops at 18th Street ...!

A TAIL OF WOE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-11-30T05:19:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Charmin," an anonymous newcomer who made the scene at 7th and Montana on Sunday with egg on her face and something else on her behind. Part of a toilet paper roll -- a strand at least two feet long -- was sticking out of her pants, flapping in the breeze like a gossamer tail. I quickly moved into position, aiming my Spycam in her direction and activating the zoom lens ... but a Good Samaritan intervened before I could get a close-up. "Pardon me," said the Samaritan, "Are you aware that there's a bunch of toilet paper coming out of your pants?" Charmin was mortified. "Don't worry," she cried, "It looks clean ... and I don't have anything contagious!" She flushed in embarrassment, though if you ask me should have flushed something else. "Not to worry," I replied, "Your secret is safe with me ...!"

HAIR TODAY, HAIRIER TOMORROW ...!

2011-11-30T05:05:00.000-08:00

"Mr. Wiggins," an occasional visitor to 7th and Montana known for his peculiar taste in fright wigs, made the scene at Our Favorite Starbucks on Sunday wearing basic black. As usual, his wig was spiky and a tad lopsided, just enough to make you look twice ... for the Fashion Police. But on a certain level the black wig suits him. At first I thought he got it at a Black Friday sale, but evidently he doesn't celebrate that particular "holiday." He was overheard joking with a friend that it should be called "Crack Friday," instead ...!

THANKFUL FOR THANKSGIVING ...!

2011-11-27T17:20:00.000-08:00

This Thanksgiving was a memorable one for me as I spent some time with my family in Massachusetts. We didn't go around the table recounting everything we were thankful for, but everything I was thankful for was sitting around the table, especially my adorable niece, Leah (above) and my nephew Jackson (below). It seems like they're both growing up so quickly. Leah, now two, is talking up a storm. She loves anything to do with princesses and likes to quote a lot from her favorite movie, Tangled, Disney's remake of the age-old Rapunzel story, which she was watching when I took the photo above. For some reason, she's taken it into her head to paraphrase the evil witch in the story. "Don't you EVER, EVER say that to me again!," she likes to say (especially when someone tells her something she doesn't want to hear). Jackson, now four, has a new best friend, the Whoopee Cushion, or as he likes to call it, the Whooshie Cushie. He likes nothing better than to invite guests to have a seat on it, then breaks into peals of hysterical laughter when they're "fooled." They're both such great kids.

CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-11-21T20:44:00.000-08:00

It was a case of mistaken identity at 7th and Montana yesterday as a Friendly Local thought Genevieve was a celebrity. "Kelly, is that you?," she asked. And then, realizing her mistake, she continued, "You look just like Kelly Bishop, a very fine actress." Genevieve seemed flattered, of course, but then again, neither of us were too familiar with Kelly Bishop. "Oh," said the Friendly Local, "She was the grandmother in a TV show called the Gilmore Girls." I did a little research and, based on the photo below, I'm half-tempted to say that the Friendly Local wouldn't know a celebrity if one bit her on the behind. But, of course, I'd be wrong. The local was Valerie Harper, the talented actress who won four Emmys and a Golden Globe for her role as Rhoda on the Mary Tyler Moore Show.

STRANGE BIRDS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-11-20T20:52:00.000-08:00

Quick, call Alfred Hitchcock. A flock of strange birds swooped over 7th and Montana this morning and something tells me not even Tippi Hedren could scare them away. They landed on a telephone pole on 7th Street and sat there screeching in unison for what seemed like an eternity. Perhaps they were trying to warn passersby about the rainstorm that was brewing. I, for one, opened my umbrella as I passed by ... but then, again, who wouldn't with a collection of birds like that overhead?

A DOG'S LIFE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-11-19T13:08:00.000-08:00

It was the Dog Days of Fall at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Dog Owner parked her pooch, a Chihuahua wearing a ski-vest, at my table while she ran inside to grab her coffee. "Mind if I leave my dog here with you fine people while I run inside for a bit?," she asked. Kerry (pictured above) was quick to chime-in. "No problem," she replied, reaching for the pampered pooch. I'd like to say it was our Animal Magnetism that led the woman to trust us with her dog, but then again, I guess her options were rather limited. Only three tables were occupied at the time and we were sandwiched between someone who resembled a cross between an Ax Murderer and a Cro-Magnon man and the Guru, the local loon who knows everything about everything except for one subject: Personal Hygiene.

HELMET, AHOY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-11-19T11:20:00.000-08:00

It was full speed ahead this morning -- and all week -- for 'the Kaiser,' the woman known for zipping-in and out of 7th and Montana astride her trusty motorcycle. Lately, she doesn't even have time to remove her helmet, a jaunty, Kaiser Wilhelm number which, combined with her taste in pastel slacks and shirts, is like going from Baden Baden to worse. "I guess the Kaiser's on a roll these days," I said. At least she's not bulkie ...!

THE CRIER ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-11-17T03:22:00.000-08:00

It was 7:30 a.m. and all was well at 7th and Montana ... and if you don't believe me, just ask the Town Crier, a local loon who spent the morning yesterday reading the newspaper at Our Favorite Starbucks. Out loud. At first I thought she was just another loon, but as I walked by I learned there was a method to her madness. "Phase One of the project, from downtown Los Angeles to Culver City, was approved in 2005 and broke ground in the subsequent year," she said in a dull monotone. "Service is anticipated in 2012 ..." It took me a while to realize she was not only scanning, but reading aloud every news item that caught her eye. For crying out loud ...!

A SOCIAL MOVEMENT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-11-14T22:17:00.000-08:00

It was a full house at 7th and Montana this morning. So full that there were hardly any chairs available; So full that even the Apple Fritters were in short supply; So full that Neighbor Nat suggested we start a movement. He suggested we call it Occupy Starbucks ...!

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF DIZZY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-11-13T20:42:00.000-08:00

They say that "Love is never having to say you're sorry," but if you ask me, the two Lovebirds who made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning dressed in identical Mickey Mouse pajama bottoms owe us all an apology. The PJs in question were white and festooned with colorful Mickey Mouse heads. "Something tells me this was all her idea and the guy just had to go along with it," said Robb. "Either that," I added, "Or she slipped him a Mickey ...!"

PLAYING THROUGH ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-11-12T21:58:00.000-08:00

It was par for the course at 7th and Montana this morning as the Golfer and his Disciple once again made the scene. For weeks, they've been raising eyebrows as the Golfer (above left), no doubt some sort of pro, talks enthusiastically about the game, often standing up to demonstrate his swing, while the Disciple jots down every word in a notepad. This morning I was tempted to ask what they're up to -- and whether the Disciple felt at all guilty about taking-up space at Starbucks without ordering anything -- but I wouldn't want to get either of them teed-off ...!

A SHRIEKING BANSHEE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-11-11T20:44:00.000-08:00

Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana this morning as a Shrieking Banshee came unglued, courtesy of Neighbor Robb with a little help from yours truly. The fun began when the Banshee got tired of waiting in line behind Robb for her cappuccino. She reached for her cell phone, dialed a friend and said loudly, "It's me. I'm here at Starbucks, stuck in line behind this guy who's been standing here ordering for a half hour ..." Robb, never one to hold his tongue, turned around and said, "I hear that rudeness coming out of your mouth!" And then he proceeded to move at a snail's pace which naturally infuriated the Banshee further. By this point, word of the incident started to spread and I decided to come to the rescue with my Spycam. I held it aloft as if to demonstrate an interesting new feature and said to Robb, "I just found a great new app. It spews insults at idiots who lose their patience in line!" The Banshee looked at me but didn't say anything. And then Robb went in for the kill. "I'll bet someone around here wishes she got up five minutes earlier ... and that she was 20 years younger!" That did it. The Banshee exploded. "F--ck You!," she yelled. And in case no one heard her, she repeated it again and again as she walked out the door. All I can say is, I hope she ordered a decaf ...!

RULES AND REGULATIONS ... AT PLAYA VISTA!

2011-11-11T20:28:00.000-08:00

I'm all for rules and regulations, but the facilities management at my new office building in Playa Vista has really gone too far. Don't do this, Don't do that. All day long it's "don't, don't, don't." Well, I finally hit my wall today when they even tried to deny me a drink of water. There I was, gearing up for a refreshing glass of H2O, when the facilities manager tsk tsked at me and pointed to a sign overhead. "DO NOT drink from the toilets or urinals," it warned, "as they use reclaimed water as a water saving measure." "What are you going to do next?," I asked, "Restrict the air I breathe?!?"

YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-11-10T03:32:00.000-08:00

It's "you snooze, you lose" at 7th and Montana. In recent days I've barely missed catching Actors Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner and Jessica Alba rushing in for coffee. But today I really messed-up. Jazz Artist and friend Curtis Stigers (pictured above) is in town recording a new album and I told him I'd probably be at Starbucks at around 8:00. Then, as usual, I ended up on a conference call. By the time I arrived, the musical talent had changed somewhat. Rigolatte -- known for locking himself in the restroom and belting out opera tunes for hours on end-- was on the scene warbling a selection of '80s hits. His pipes aren't bad, but I just wish he'd stop hogging-up all the plumbing ...

BAGGING IT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-11-08T23:35:00.000-08:00

It was a Battle of the Bags at 7th and Montana this morning as a parade of would-be Santas made the scene slinging bags across their shoulders. One man (pictured above) impressed the crowd with a collection of extra-durable burlap potato sacks. "Look," said Joyce, "The sacks come from a company called Vishnu Traders." "Hmmm," I said, writing furiously on a napkin, "Vishnu Traders ... interesting ... got it." "What are you doing?," asked Bob, "Taking notes for your blog? ... Maybe you should also try walking a mile in his shoes." "No thanks," I replied, "God knows what I'd catch." Besides, lugging potato sacks around all day isn't exactly my bag. Moments later another newcomer arrived carrying one of the largest, industrial-sized plastic bags I've ever seen. The man with the Vishnu potato sacks cast an envious look in his direction. We can all be grateful, however, that his sacks were a little more durable. Research reveals that Vishnu Traders specializes in breeding cages for laboratory rats and mice.

HOLIDAYS ARE HERE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-11-07T20:29:00.000-08:00

It’s beginning to look at lot like Christmas at 7th and Montana, and if you don’t believe me, just look at the coffee cups. Starbucks has formally unveiled its annual holiday cups and, if you ask me, they've outdone themselves. Each cup carries a message so syrupy sweet you’d swear it came directly from Tiny Tim. This morning mine read, “Let’s remember why we go together so well.” “What’s this a reference to?,” I asked in my best imitation of Scrooge, “Apple Fritters and Kaopectate?” But the truth is, the holidays do bring folks closer together. Why just yesterday the Guru – the local eccentric who knows everything about everything – got a bit too close for comfort. He sidled right up to Neighbor David and leaned back, so that – even though the two were separated by a pane of glass – they looked like Siamese Twins. “Don’t look now,” I said, “But you’ve got company.” David took the whole thing in stride, and I guess that’s what the holidays are all about: Peace, Love, Understanding ... and a strategically placed pane of glass!

HIGHWAY ROBE-ERY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-11-06T16:19:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Robespierre, the historical, hysterical character who made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning wearing a terry cloth bathrobe. At first I thought he was a doctor in a lab coat, but after a while it became clear that the men in white lab coats were probably out looking for him. "Good God," said David, "Can you imagine him as your anesthesiologist?" "I'd certainly be knocked out," I replied. Meanwhile, as for Robespierre, he continued traipsing up and down 7th Street in the pouring rain. Some say he was out looking for a shop where he could buy some fuzzy slippers to match his bathrobe, but I'm not so sure. He might look ready for Bed and Bath ... but something tells me he's way past Beyond ...!

RABID TRANSIT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-11-05T15:52:00.000-07:00

Road Rage was all the rage this morning at 7th and Montana as an Anonymous Maniac pulled his SUV into the bus lane in front of Our Favorite Starbucks and began yelling up a storm. "Hurry Up!," he screamed to his wife, who had run in for a cup of coffee. And then, inexplicably, he turned his attention on Neighbor Gary. "What are you looking at?!?," he hollered, "Mind your own %$#$%# business you #@$%$##." Gary, never the silent type, enraged him further. "What are you talking about?," Gary asked. "You %$@#@, leave me the &^%$ alone," the Hothead continued. On and on it went until Robb ran inside to alert folks that something needed to be done about the Maniac outside. As fate would have it, he alerted none other than Mrs. Maniac, who quietly collected her cappuccino, slunk her way outside and tried to slip into the back seat of the SUV unnoticed. Naturally, I was standing nearby videotaping the whole thing. Copies are available on Blu-ray or DVD for $9.95 each ...!

JAILHOUSE SCHLOCK ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-31T22:37:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the Prisoner of Zenda, an Anonymous Local who made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning dressed in prison stripes. "It's getting harder and harder around here to tell who's wearing a costume and who's not," I said, "What's she dressed as, anyway, a bundler from Pavilions?" Frankly, the costume didn't do much for her, but then again, Halloween comes but once year. Tomorrow, the whole outfit can just return to Zenda ...!

A NEW POWER SOURCE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

Nothing says Southern California quite like a pair of Muckluks. An Anonymous Fashionista made the scene at 7th and Montana yesterday wearing a pair so extraordinary they'd make Nanook of the North green with envy. They were brown with fuzzy pink accents, just the ticket for an 80-degree day. Combine that with her flowing "Jackson Pollock" skirt, bright purple shirt and glowing red sweater and you have enough wattage to light the Eastern Seaboard. And trust me, that's a good thing. For some reason, we've lost our electricity up and down 7th Street this afternoon ...!

MEL ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

High-powered Hollywood Attorney, Mel (pictured above), had a bone to pick with my blog this morning. "It looks like some lawyer must have told you to start blocking out people's faces," he complained. Mel is partly right ... someone did at one point complain about the photos on my blog, but it wasn't a lawyer. And no one told me to block out people's faces ... that was my own idea. Oh well, I guess you can't please everyone ... and that's why from now on I'll only selectively block people's faces out. Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Mel, the first installment in my new "7th and Montana: Uncensored" series of photos.

A BUM RAP ... ON UNITED FLIGHT #935

2011-10-29T07:21:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Fannie," an annoying butt-inski who spent a good portion of United Flight #935 from London to Los Angeles sticking her rear end in my face. You see, her friend was sitting at the opposite side of the aisle from me and Fanny wanted to visit. Not just visit, mind you, but lean over and whisper in her ear for what seemed like an eternity. I first noticed Fannie when I woke up after a short nap ... only to find her bum floating over my tray table like a moon over Miami. I smiled and looked at the man sitting next to me. "Looks like the flight attendant brought us some buns, eh?" He laughed but was furious because -- how can I put this delicately -- her ass was so big it was infringing on his space, as well. "Not to worry," I said, "There's an app for that." I whipped out my Spycam and pointed it in Fannie's direction. "Go for it," my seatmate urged. "It's moments like these that make me wish I had a wide-angle lens," I replied. And with that, I snapped the picture. The only problem was, I had forgotten to turn off the Flash after Wednesday night's event. Fannie turned around. I smiled sheepishly and said, "What can I say? I'm an amateur photographer." My seatmate told her to butt out. In retrospect, I guess I owe Fannie a debt of gratitude. Afterall, if it weren't for her, I might get a little Behind in my blog ...!

FROM THE BULL RING ...

2011-10-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

It did rain during the event I was attending in Madrid on Wednesday, but that did nothing to dampen the spirits of the crowd. I was there for Coldplay's launch celebration for their new album at the famous Bull Ring, where a crowd of more than 12,000 fans showed their support despite the fact that they were outside in the rain. I enjoyed the whole thing ... from a nice covered area. The whole concert is on Youtube: Coldplay Madrid. As for me, I've headed for some drier weather ... in London.

HOLA, MADRID ...!

2011-10-26T02:55:00.000-07:00

It's official, folks: The Rain in Spain Stays Mainly at My Hotel. I arrived in Madrid this morning in the midst of a light drizzle. Nothing too major, just a chilly, gray day in the capital of Spain. I haven't been to Madrid in years, so I took a nice walk from my hotel at Plaza de Santa Ana -- the fancy ME Madrid (where "It's all about you") -- to the nearest Starbucks. As usual, I had a grand old time confusing the locals by gesticulating wildly and ordering a grande half caff. Most baristas outside of the U.S. have never heard of a "half caff." A "half decaf Americano" is pretty much the same thing, but it's always more fun to let the locals figure that out for themselves. Anyhow, wish me luck tonight. I'm here for a big event at the Bull Ring. There's no bull involved, but it is an outdoor venue, so let's hope the Rain in Spain doesn't drive me Insane ...!

WONDER WOMAN AHOY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-25T11:45:00.000-07:00

Wonders never cease at Our Favorite Starbucks ... and maybe that's why no one raised an eyebrow when a woman made the scene on Sunday dressed like Wonder Woman. "Look behind you," said Dave, warning me to get my camera in position. I turned around and got a photo of the Brightly Dressed Colorful Loon as she stood behind me. "No," said Dave, "Not that one ... that one, by the door." I turned around again and there she was, Wonder Woman, complete with the bright blue miniskirt, white boots, red cape and boobs-a-poppin' breastplate. I know what some of you are thinking -- Halloween is around the corner -- but trust me, this was no Halloween costume. And that's what makes people watching at 7th and Montana so Wonder-ful ...!

STUMPING THE GURU ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-23T17:28:00.000-07:00

Shock waves rippled across 7th and Montana yesterday as the Guru -- known for his expertise on all subjects ranging from nuclear physics to the stock market -- was stumped. And I'm pleased to say, I'm the one who stumped him. "I just don't know, just don't know," he said to me, "What do we do with you?" "What do you mean?," I replied. "Well, I've been thinking that this Starbucks is sort of like a theater and everyone has a role ... but I just can't place you." I casually whipped out my Spycam, as if to read my e-mails, and let him go on. "I mean, you're obviously sociable," he continued, "But you're also so ... um ... corporate ..." He trailed off and it was then that I decided to help him out. "I guess there's no role for me around here," I said, "So why don't I just start a blog or something?"

SURVIVORS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-22T18:10:00.000-07:00

It was an All-Star Cast at 7th and Montana on Thursday as Actress Jennifer Garner made the scene. Unfortunately, I just missed her. "Jennifer Garner was here earlier," said Joyce, "And there's apparently a Survivor inside." I don't mean to imply that Jennifer Garner is deadly. The fact is, rumors were swirling that one of the stars of last year's Survivor was somewhere on the premises. The problem is, I've never watched survivor and had no idea who he was. I whipped out my Spycam and took a photo of the most likely candidate (pictured above) and it turns out I was right. Not only did he star in last year's survivor, but according to official news reports, he's also a professional Gravedigger. That's convenient, seeing as how the display case was chock full of Apple Fritters ... and that's more than enough to challenge any Survivor!

A GAME OF CHICKEN ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-22T07:05:00.000-07:00

Tongues were clucking at 7th and Montana yesterday as an Anonymous Chicken Man made the scene in full feathered regalia. There I was, driving home after a long day at the office, when I noticed the chicken-in-question standing at the corner of 7th and Georgina, trying to remain incognito. I pulled over to the side of the road to chat with him. "Howdy," I said, "Is this your Halloween costume?" "No," he replied, taking off his mask, "I'm just waiting for a bus!" If you ask me, he looked like a college prankster ... from Purdue!

THE MAN NOBODY KNEW ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-17T21:41:00.000-07:00

"Powerful." "Not to be Missed." "Extraordinary." That's what people are saying about filmmaker Carl Colby's latest work, a documentary entitled "The Man Nobody Knew," and I can tell you, if the buzz is any indication, this film is the hottest thing to hit town since the Jittery Nutcase threw a cup of Hot Chocolate at Architect Greg. The film tells the story of former CIA head William Colby through the lens of his own son. As The Los Angeles Times put it, the elder Colby "wore many guises: intrepid cold warrior, cool technocrat, international man of mystery and, to critics of the deadly covert operations he ran in Vietnam, war criminal." Can you imagine calling someone like that "Pop"?!? Thanks to Howard and Cathy, I had the pleasure of meeting Carl and his wife, Doe, yesterday, but I have to admit, I felt the least bit awkward pointing my Spycam in their direction. After all, hasn't Carl seen enough covert activity in his life? But the real picture to see here isn't just his photo (above, from the Internet), it's his movie. Check listings for a theater near you!

A SIGN OF HATE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-16T15:40:00.000-07:00

Just a week after someone covered the neighborhood with "Spiritual Graffiti," an anonymous "prankster" spray painted red swastikas at 7th and Montana and the surrounding areas. Some say it was the work of rich kids with too much money and too little sense, but I can't help wondering if something else is going on. People are on edge. The economy is limping along, unemployment has reached record highs, and our elected officials can't seem to get out of their own way. Maybe the graffiti is just another sign of the growing unrest, but I hope whoever did this is caught red-handed.

YANKEE DODO ... NEAR 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-15T14:50:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Yankee Dodo, a local oddball who went to town last night wearing a green velvet jacket, yellow pantaloons and a hat that made him look like a reject from the Peter Pan Institute of Fashion. At first I thought he was heading to some swank restaurant for a night on the town, but on second thought, based on his attire, he probably just stuck a feather in his cap and called it Macaroni ...!

CRASHING AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

2011-10-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

Neighbor Joyce has been crashing at 7th and Montana for years, but this morning she finally made it official: She wore her very own crash helmet. Actually, it was her grandson, Alex's, but she was nice enough to model it at my suggestion. And a good thing, too. Lately, it seems like the Crazy Drivers are out in full force. Just yesterday, a Dunce in a Hyundai (pictured below, escaping) didn't bother to slow down or look where she was going as she exited the Whole Foods parking lot. I was on foot and saw her coming right at me, so I took some evasive action. I stepped aside and politely swung my bag of groceries in her direction, 'gently brushing' the side of her car. That got her attention. She started to roll down her window, then stopped when she noticed my Spycam pointing at her. "Smile!," I cried, "It's for the Internet. You might want to Google Bonehead Driver when you get home ...!"

COMMUNING WITH NATURE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-12T21:11:00.000-07:00

We've seen our share of backwards types at 7th and Montana -- loons who wear underpants on their head, folks who stand on their heads in the middle of 7th Street, you name it -- but never before have we seen someone who swivels his chair around and sits for hours on end facing the shrubbery. "Maybe he's communing with nature," said one witness. More likely, nature was calling ...

AN ARCHITECTURAL MOMENT ...

2011-10-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

Kudos to Architect Greg, who was just interviewed by KGO-TV for a piece on his latest project, a $321 million, all-out renovation and retrofit of UC Berkeley's Memorial Stadium. Because the historic facility sits atop the Hayward earthquake fault, Greg and his team had to come up with a design that would allow the building to move up-to-six feet laterally and two feet down if "the big one" strikes. You can check out Greg's interview here: Memorial Stadium Interview.

JOKE TIME ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-09T21:00:00.000-07:00

Jokes were flying this morning at 7th and Montana as renowned Jazz Performer Curtis Stigers made the scene and brought a few one-liners and puns with him, to boot. My favorite went something like this:

A Panda Bear walks into a bar and says to the Bartender, "I'll have a gin ...... and tonic." The Bartender replies, "Why the pause?" "I was born that way," said the Panda. Get it: Pause, Paws?!? OK, maybe that joke gave you pause. But Curtis' music is second-to-none. You can check it out here: http://curtisstigers.com/

Later, Architect Greg shared some Architect Humor. Yes, believe it or not, architects can be funny. My favorite of his jokes goes like this: "Two architects ran into a bar. You'd think after the first one ran into it, the second one would have known enough to duck!"

A MAGIC MOMENT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

Someone call Hogwarts! Something tells me they're missing a Professor ...

"SPIRITUAL GRAFFITI" ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-08T16:13:00.000-07:00

If you want to know what the good word is at 7th and Montana today, just look at the sidewalk. An anonymous wordsmith made the scene last night spray-painting what some are calling "Spiritual Graffiti" up and down 7th Street between San Vicente and Montana. Police wasted no time this morning scouring the neighborhood for suspects. As for the graffiti, every block contains at least one message in bright blue paint ranging from "Save Yourself" to "Take Your Time ... Because it's Yours!" My personal favorite is "Love is Fine." Of course, Love's not the only thing that's fine: Graffiti, an act of vandalism, carries a fine of up to $5,000 ...!

HORNING-IN ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-06T22:25:00.000-07:00

Great Horny Toads! There's a new loon in town and she has -- drum roll please -- horns. Sure, they're the 'strap on' variety, the kind you can find at any Wal-Mart before Halloween, but still ... they're horns. The loon-in-question made the scene at 7th and Montana earlier this week, dressed in a plaid jacket, black slacks and a set of red, plastic horns. I, for one, welcomed the change. "Just what we need around here," I said, "A horny bat!"

A SILICON VALLEY ADVENTURE ...

2011-10-05T20:57:00.000-07:00

I spent all day yesterday at a new "think tank" in Silicon Valley. While I can't get into details about the meeting itself, it was one of those occasions where a lot of technical and creative people get together and exchange ideas. They think of everything at these think tanks: Phones that do your laundry; PCs that take out the trash; Robots that replace you. You name it, they plan for it. Except for parking. The Think Tank didn't have enough parking spaces and I had to drive around for a while before finding a spot on the street. To my surprise, it turned out to be right in front of the location known as the "Birthplace of Silicon Valley," a one-car garage where in 1938 Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard started H-P with only $538 in capital. That's Silicon Valley for you: Everyone is so busy starting businesses out of their garage, they forget you're also supposed to park there ...!

A COMPLAINT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-03T20:57:00.000-07:00

It was the Shock of the Century at 7th and Montana this morning as Neighbor Malissa made the scene with ... dare I say it ... a complaint. For years, whenever anyone has asked Malissa "How are you?," she has always smiled and said, "No Complaints!" Today, however, she walked through the door, lowered her sunglasses and said, "I guess I have a complaint!" She was sporting a shiner that made me wonder whether she took a grilling from George Foreman ... or maybe she just decided to return one of his grills. "What happened?," I asked. "It was a volleyball accident," she explained. Evidently, Malissa dove for the ball at the same time as one of her teammates and, if I understand correctly, her teammate inadvertently tried to lob her head over the net. Poor Malissa. They say that two heads are better than one, but when you have teammates like Malissa, maybe you'd better keep a third in the trunk just in case ...!

MS AT&T ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-02T19:23:00.000-07:00

Eardrums were bursting at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Phony spent nearly an hour barking into her cell phone. "Blah, blah, blah," she'd say in a nasal monotone that made my fingers want to reach out and touch a set of earplugs. It got worse when she periodically increased her volume to emphasize certain points. "Doesn't everyone know I'm in charge?," she shouted, "I'm organizing major events in Beverly Hills. I can't be bothered with interruptions ...!" She went on and on, at times juggling two calls at once. "Hang on, Hon, I have another call coming in!," she screeched. She spent three minutes on one line complaining about the person on the other. "I'm so busy," she said, "So very, very busy!" Indeed, she was busy alright. She was single-handedly giving AT&T its most profitable quarter ever. That's why I'm calling her Ms. AT&T: Always Talking and Talking ...!

MOVERS AND SHAKERS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-10-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana this morning as a couple of movers and shakers made the scene, using a bike and a skateboard to move pieces of heavy furniture. "Yikes, get a load of that," said one witness, as a shelving unit on a skateboard whizzed by. Moments later, a credenza on wheels made the scene, guided by a goofball on a bike. The whole thing made me wonder, what would this pair use to move a piano ... a bicycle built for two?

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-09-30T20:23:00.000-07:00

It was a case of Beauty and the Beast at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Local (pictured above) tried to bring her Pampered Pug into Our Favorite Starbucks. The only question was, which one was the beast? The woman obviously thought she was within her rights to bring her dog inside, even though it wasn't a "service animal." She even seemed somewhat 'inconvenienced' when the baristas made her take the animal outside. What can I say, Lady? As a wise woman -- Barbara the Boxer -- once said, "Life is Ruff ...!"

FIGURE SKATING ... AT 7TH AND GEORGINA?

2011-09-27T22:38:00.000-07:00

It was a game of Crazy Eights this morning at 7th and Georgina as a Local Matron glided across the street and sidewalk over and over like an ice skater doing figure eights. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she was doing this. It was probably some sort of exercise, but it looked like she was rehearsing for a part in Ditzy on Ice. "Keep it up!," I cried as I walked by, "You're doing great!" I couldn't help wondering, however, whether she was off her axel ...!

BARBARA BOXER ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-09-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

President Obama wasn't the only political bigwig in town today. California State Senator Barbara the Boxer made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning and she wasted no time pulling up a chair and hobnobbing with the masses. Following are excerpts from an exclusive interview she did with me.

Me: Tell me, Babs -- may I call you Babs? -- What do you think the President's chances are of getting re-elected?

Barbara the Boxer: Ruff!

Me: Thanks. And what's your view on the economic turnaround?

Barbara the Boxer: Ruff!

Me: I see. And what's it like working with the Senate Republicans?

Barbara the Boxer: Ruff!

Me: Tell me about Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Perry ... how would you describe his skills on the debate floor?

Barbara the Boxer: Ruff ... Ruff ... Ruff ...!

I, for one, could have gone on and on but the interview was cut short when Barbara became fixated on a fire hydrant and her handlers insisted that it was time for her to attend to other business ...!

SUPAH NINJAS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-09-26T20:05:00.000-07:00

Creative Kudos to Neighbor Nat for his show Supah Ninjas, a new TV show about three kids -- Mike, Owen and Amanda -- who are high school students by day and butt-kicking, villain-battling Ninjas by night. The show also stars Actor George Takei (otherwise known as Sulu from Star Trek) as "Hologramps," a holographic grandfather who dispenses equal bits of Ninja wisdom and homespun humor. New episodes of Supah Ninjas air on Saturdays at 9:00 p.m. on Nickelodeon ... and they're re-run throughout the week. So tune-in if you want to see somethin' supah ...!

A BANJO ON MY KNEE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-09-25T19:39:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, there's a new Local Loon in town: Me. The fun began several days ago when Neighbor Robb -- up to his old tricks -- jumped out from behind a shrub and tried to turn the Spycam tables on me. True, I was shocked ... but I also hammed it up for his camera. Anyhow, flash forward to today and there's my image on a poster at Our Favorite Starbucks advertising Free Banjo Lessons. "Fun Male Banjo Master seeking local singles to come over and learn banjo," it read. The picture made me look like something out of the Dueling Banjo scene in "Deliverance." "Howdy," I seemed to be saying, "I'm my own first cousin!" Naturally, I took the whole thing in stride. I whipped out my Spycam and snapped photo after photo of Robb and Robin. None of them look bizarre enough to post here, but just you wait. Revenge is a dish best served at Our Favorite Starbucks ... and I don't mean the Apple Fritters!

THERE'S NO STOPPIN' POPPINS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-09-24T19:41:00.000-07:00

It was Chim Chimney, Chim Chimney, Chim-Chim Cher Loon this week at 7th and Montana as a Mysterious Newcomer swooped into town on the wings of a battered, blue umbrella. "Get a load of Mary Poopins," I said, as the newcomer trudged her way down the street. She marched into the supermarket, no doubt to get a spoonful of sugar, then disappeared into the pharmacy. Some say she's in town for a Jolly Holiday, but I think she's probably the brains behind the new "Mary Poppins Mobile," a mobile chimney sweep service that's been driving up and down 7th Street all week cranking out Mary Poppins tunes at full blast ... again ... and again ...!

TRAITOR IN OUR MIDST? ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA

2011-09-23T22:55:00.000-07:00

It was a case of Coffee Bean and Treason this morning at 7th and Montana as a Downright Evildoer made the scene with a cup of coffee from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. She took one of the few available tables at Our Favorite Starbucks, spread out her computer and set to work, drinking the coffee she brought with her. Perhaps she thought no one would notice, but if it happens again, I'm e-mail her Mug Shot to Howard Shultz ...!

FROM HAIR TO ETERNITY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-09-23T22:26:00.000-07:00

It was a Bad Hair Day at 7th and Montana today as a Mysterious Newcomer made the scene wearing what looked at first glance like two bedsheets tied together and looped around her right arm. On closer inspection, it turned out to be her hair, wrapped in at least ten feet of purple fabric. If unravelled, it would stretch from hair to eternity. "Wow, it's like a Fairy Tale come true," said one witness, "Maybe it's Rapunzel in disguise." Fairy Tale, Hairy Tale ... however you cut it, her style seems pretty Grimm.

EXERCISING THE REMOTE CONTROL ...

2011-09-21T21:06:00.000-07:00

A funny thing happened last night. I woke up with a start in the middle of the night, having fallen asleep with the TV on. It was tuned to one of those infomercials that cater to the middle-of-the-night crowd. "Lose fat quick;" "Get rich quick;" "Grow hair quick" ... you know the type. But this one was different. It touted a fitness device and set of DVDs, exactly the kind of thing that usually has me reaching for the remote faster than you can say Torture Chamber, and it starred one of the regulars from 7th and Montana, Neighbor O. I watched for a few minutes, which was all it took for me to realize this wasn't my cup of tea (or coffee, either). As for Neighbor O., congrats on the infomercial ... !

WATCH OUT FOR FALLING ANVILS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA

2011-09-21T03:24:00.000-07:00

Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana as an Anonymous Good Samaritan posted signs throughout the neighborhood warning that "the Coyotes are Back!" Personally, I never knew they were gone, but experts recommend watching out for your pets more closely. And if you're really serious about Coyote Prevention, check out the Original Illustrated ACME Catalog, an A-to-Z listing of all ACME products, guaranteed to scare-off even the most wily coyote. I recommend the Bat-Man's outfit, the Dehydrated Boulders and the Rocket-Powered Roller Skates ...!

EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S WINDY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-09-19T21:39:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet “Spasmodius,” an Anonymous Newcomer who impressed the crowd at 7th and Montana this morning with his impersonation of a windmill. He stood in the parking lot for five minutes rotating his arms in an increasingly frenetic, clockwise motion, almost as if he were trying to single-handedly whip-up a desert wind storm. All I can say is, if he was trying to create a Haboob, he succeeded in more ways than one …!

DOG DAY AFTERNOON ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-09-18T14:20:00.000-07:00

It was a Dog Day Afternoon at 7th and Montana today as a Local Matron and her Beloved Boxers made the scene in a souped-up speed buggy. The Boxers watched the Matron expectantly as she got out of the car. "Those dogs sure look happy," I said. "Oh yes, they are," cooed the Matron, "They're my little babies! Don't you worry, my sweets, Mamma will be right back!" And with that, she ran inside for a cappuccino. I'll tell you this much, if she's the Dogs' Mamma, I'm the Cats' Meow ...!

CONTAGION ... IN CULVER CITY!

2011-09-17T15:17:00.000-07:00

Contagion isn't just in movie theaters ... it's at the corner grocery store near my office in Culver City. And if you don't believe me, just ask the Anonymous Germaphobe who made the scene there yesterday wearing a surgical mask. I could barely mask my surprise as he lifted it momentarily, perched it on his head like baby bonnet and ordered a pack of cigarettes. I hope for his sake he doesn't leave it on when he smokes ...!

A FRIENDLY REUNION ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-09-14T21:32:00.000-07:00

It was a Hair Raising experience at 7th and Montana this morning as a man with a Mohawk walked right up to me, shook my hand like I was a long lost friend and said, "Hey, Bro ... How've you been ... it's been a long time!" At first I was perplexed. I couldn't quite recall having any friends with a Mohawk. "Oh, same old, same old," I replied, "How about you?" I almost asked him how the wife and Mohicans were doing, but thought better of it. "I'm great," he said, "Just great." Then he walked right into a door frame, mumbled "Oops," and ducked inside Starbucks. As for me, I put my Spycam to good use. I quickly ran a search for "Mohawk" on my blog and -- voila -- there he was. I met him in 2007, but can be forgiven for not immediately recognizing him. Back then his Mohawk was a lot more pronounced. I guess it's the recession ...

A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-09-13T20:56:00.000-07:00

The Force was with us at 7th and Montana this morning as Hanna -- the woman formerly known as Pajama Girl -- made the scene wearing the latest in Star Wars fashion: A Storm Trooper boot. Evidently, Poor Hanna injured her foot and has to wear the boot for the next six weeks. Look on the bright side Hanna, at least they didn't make you dress like an Ewok ...!

CHEERIO ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-09-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

It was a case of Cheerio, Pip Pip at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Newcomer made the scene with what sounded like the phoniest British accent I've ever heard. "I'll have a cappuccino, Daaahling," she drawled. She sounded like a cross between Eliza Doolittle and Dr. Doolittle, part Buckingham Palace and part Bucking Bronco. Something tells me it wasn't just an act. Either the silicone in her lips gave her a speech impediment or she's the type who subconsciously picks up bits and pieces of random accents wherever she goes. Blimey ...!

MANY HAPPY RETURNS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-09-11T18:17:00.000-07:00

It was Many Happy Returns this morning at 7th and Montana ... in more ways than one. Howard and Cathy made the scene, fresh from a busy summer in Colorado. All I can say is, they must have made a bee-line for Our Favorite Starbucks, because they didn't even stop at the Bagel Nosh of Beverly Hills to re-load on Cinnamon Raisin Bagels.
Our Friendly Neighborhood Femme Fatale -- an actress known for her work in softcore adult films as well as for her real-life role in the sexual harassment scandal that brought down the former CEO of Hewlett-Packard last year -- also made the scene looking every bit the stunner. The Blonde Bombshell has fallen head-over-nine-inch-heels for Gordy the Dog. There was so much heavy petting going on this morning that I wouldn't be surprised if Gordy files harassment charges of his own.

And last but not least, Valerie Harper, the actress who played "Rhoda" on TV's "Mary Tyler Moore Show" and later on her own spin-off, regaled the crowd with tales of her recent trip to New York. It seems she was in the Big Apple during Hurricane Irene and, even though the City emerged relatively unscathed, she wisely kept the bathtub in her hotel room filled with water at all times in case of emergency. As she put it, you never know when you'll need a supply of water on-hand to keep the plumbing going. In case you're wondering, she meant the hotel's plumbing, not her own ...!

WHODUNNIT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-09-10T14:36:00.000-07:00

They say that crime doesn't pay ... but this morning it paid handsomely for the Anonymous Nogoodnik who stole $50 from Robb and Robin. The fun began when Robin, who had been out for a long walk, made the scene at Our Favorite Starbucks only to notice that her pre-paid Starbucks card had fallen out of her pocket somewhere in the neighborhood. She quickly retraced her steps, while Robb -- using his iPad -- looked up their account to make sure no one was using it. To his horror, he immediately saw that someone was already using the card like there was no tomorrow. He watched their balance dwindle from $50 to 0 in the blink of an eye. So, who was the culprit? Was it the Pied Piper, known for chain smoking a Sherlock Holmes pipe all day? No, he was busy, as usual, saluting at strangers in the parking lot. Was it Rigolatte? Unlikely, he only has eyes for the Sweet 'n Low. All I can say is, if there's any justice, I hope the culprit used the card to load-up on Apple Fritters ...!

SEEING STARS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA

2011-09-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

They say the early bird catches the worm. I made the scene at 7th and Montana extra early yesterday and arrived in time to catch TV uber mom Meredith Baxter getting her daily caffeine fix. She looked great as usual in an urban cowgirl sort of way. I guess cutting the "Family Ties" agreed with her.

LIVE, FROM SING SING ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

2011-09-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

Rigolatte -- the local songmeister known for belting out tunes in the restroom at Our Favorite Starbucks -- made the scene yesterday with a message. He opened the door, poked his head in and yelled, "I've just gotta sing ... I've f--cking gotta sing!" And then, strangely enough, he didn't sing. He turned to the crowd, threw up his hands and said, "Bitterness is a very unpleasant feeling, you know." I couldn't agree with him more. Here's wishing you all a song in your heart. Just don't sing it in the Starbucks restroom ...!

FROM PHAROANIC TO MORONIC ... AT 30,000 FEET!

2011-09-07T06:07:00.000-07:00

Passengers aboard Lufthansa Flight #450 to Los Angeles were in a state of DeNile on Monday as a Lone Nincompoop threw a blanket on his head and left it there for the duration of the flight, a look that evoked images of Rameses the Great. “Tut, Tut ... what do we have here?,” I asked, whipping out my Spycam, “That blanket look is so yesterday!" The man sat motionless, like a mortuary statue for nearly 14 hours, giving me ample opportunity to photograph him from various angles. Some say he was in a deep, meditative trance, but I think he was just trying to embody his own, personal philosophy: "I Sphinx, therefore I am ...!

TRAVEL ADVISORY: CAVIAR-IN-A-TUBE!

2011-09-05T22:48:00.000-07:00

A word to the wise: If you ever find yourself having breakfast at the Scandic Hotel in Berlin, whatever you do, don't confuse the tubes of caviar with toothpaste. You'll just end up with egg on your face ...!

CYCLING PSYCHOS ... NEAR CHECKPOINT CHARLIE!

2011-09-04T14:53:00.000-07:00

Eyes were popping at Checkpoint Charlie today as a band of goofballs peddled onto the scene riding a giant Keg-Cycle. No, I'm not kidding. They were peddling a giant bike with a keg of beer at the helm and a full-service bar down the middle and -- as if that weren't zany enough -- they were singing the Beer Barrel Polka, to boot. "Sheesh," I said to my colleague, "What do they do around here for Octoberfest, paddle a U-boat down the Autobahn?" My colleague, a Dutchman, assured me that bikes like this are completely normal around here. I guess this must be the German version of a Biker Bar ...!

A TALE OF TWO STARBUCKS ... IN BERLIN!

2011-09-04T14:02:00.000-07:00

It was the best of times, it was the Wurst of times at the Potsdamerplatz this morning as not one but two starbucks were closed during peak morning coffee hours. I made the scene at the first location (above, right) at 7:30, only to learn that it didn't open until 9:00. The next one I tried (above, center) was also closed. I tell you, if the crew at 7th and Montana tried opening that late, there'd be a stampede. Rigolatte would hit such a high note the glass doors would implode and the rest of us would rush in with pitch forks. But this is Berlin and there was only one thing left to do: I rushed off to the American Embassy and it was there, nestled behind the Brandenburg Gate, that I finally a Starbucks that was open. I guess sometimes you just have to go the extra mile ...!