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We've all seen our share of crazy drivers at 7th and Montana, but an Anonymous Newcomer who made the scene last week really takes the cake pop. The driver, a local woman, was so desperate for her caffeine fix that she drove right up onto the sidewalk facing 7th Street, crashed through the bus stop and screeched to a halt near the door of Our Favorite Starbucks. Fortunately, no one was injured. The driver emerged, completely unharmed and eager to place her order for a Double Espresso. Witnesses were so rattled they couldn't remember the make of her car, but judging from their reactions, I'd say it was a Dodge. Police cleared the sidewalk within minutes. As for the driver, rumor has it she left the scene muttering that nothing beats a drive-thru Starbucks ...!
Don't get your panties in a bunch, folks, but just when we thought the low-hanging, peek-a-boo underwear craze was over, a new fashion trend has emerged at 7th and Montana. An attractive newcomer made the scene this week wearing floral panties over a pair of tights. "Good God," I said, "Shouldn't some things remain Victoria's Secret?" Some say she was deliberately airing her dirty laundry, but I think she just made a terrible mistake. Afterall, accidents will happen. Stay tuned for news regarding other accidents at Our Favorite Starbucks.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, another loon planned a trip to 7th and Montana. He made the scene this morning at Our Favorite Starbucks, looking like a character from the Star Wars Cantina. "I've got Star Power," he shrieked, shaking a fist at the crowd, "I'm a celebrity." True, he carried a pair of white loafers in one hand, but that didn't exactly make him Elvis. "They're writing a book about me," he went on, looking around frantically for Paparazzi that weren't there. "I'm famous," he cried, "famous!" He let out the kind of cackle that had folks dialing 911. "They're making a movie about me," he yelled, "Oliver Stone is directing!" "I think he means Oliver Stoned," I muttered. I'm not sure what he was drinking, but something tells me it wasn't a decaff ...!
It's common knowledge that Mafia Kingpin Whitey Bulger spent nearly 16 years hiding out near 7th and Montana, but few people know he left behind an evil twin. Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Whitey Folger, a man whose own notorious deeds have been percolating at Our Favorite Starbucks for months now. Every morning he asks a Barista for a cup of hot water. Then, almost under their very noses, he pulls a jar of Folgers Crystals out of his backpack and makes his own coffee, using their water. "Ahhhh," he said, as I looked on in astonishment, "This is the life!" He deserves the life, alright ... a life sentence in Folgers State Prison!
An Anonymous Prankster got a few yucks out of the crowd yesterday at 7th and Montana when he replaced the sugar with salt. Several customers came sputtering back to the counter demanding a fresh coffee. No one knows exactly who did it, but my money's on the Evil Bible Thumper. He sat by the condiments bar, as usual, reading his bible upside down and muttering obscenities, but that innocent act didn't fool me for a second. I'm just surprised he didn't leave a pillar of salt by the pastry case ...
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