AUDREY TATTOO ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Audrey Tatt00, the latest celebrity in our midst at 7th and Montana. From the moment I saw her yesterday, I knew she belonged on a movie set. Unfortunately, the movie-in-question is "The Wizard of Oz" and her big break came when a house fell on her head. Her Gothic Outfit, Red and White striped Knee Sox and Pointy, Red Shoes practically screamed Wicked Witch of the East. But her most striking feature, by far, was her skin. She's covered in tattoos, starting with an enormous red spider web that runs up and down the length of her arms and legs. Caught within her web are a series of creatures straight out of Munchkinland: Black cats, spiders, skulls, bats -- you name name it. If it goes bump in the night, she's wearing it. That's what I like about 7th and Montana. You never know what you'll find next. Or, as Frank L. Baum put it, "There's no place like home ...!"

BAGEL BEGONE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Lox was running out this morning at 7th and Montana for anyone -- like me -- who had the misfortune of standing in line behind an Attractive Young Woman known among insiders as "Betty Bagel." Betty specializes in ordering bagels at Starbucks but, rather than stepping aside to let others place their order when she's done, she insists on slowly and deliberately slicing and adding cream cheese to her bagel while everyone else waits in line behind her. "Wow," said Barista Tyler, "You really have your Bagel strategy down to a science." "Yes," Betty laughed, "I'll do anything to save a few minutes!" "Sure," I chimed-in, "As long as they're your minutes, right?" Betty chuckled nervously while Barista Tyler warned her that she was coming dangerously close to ending up on the Internet. Still, I might have excused the incident had she not proceeded to sit at the Handicapped Table. I tell you, some people think they're holier than their bagels ...!

SEND IN THE ORBS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana this morning as local Singer/Actress/Entrepreneur Susan shared a deep, dark secret. "I see Orbs," she said. As Susan explained it, Orbs are essentially wheel-shaped balls of energy -- spiritual presences -- which hover over our heads, sometimes protecting us, sometimes not. "Tell me," I whispered, casting a sideways glance towards a lone Apple Fritter in the pastry display case, "Are there any Orbs here now?" "Not really," Susan explained, "There's one flying around the ceiling but that's about it." I have to admit, there's something frankly appealing about the notion of bouncing balls of energy that look out for mankind. Just think of the possibilities. The Auto Industry needs a bailout? No problem. Tell the manufacturers to check with the Orbs. Shortage of troops in Afghanistan? Not to worry. Send in the Orbs. Perhaps the best idea came from Susan, herself: She suggested that the two of us co-host a cable news show featuring interviews with Orbs and other Paranormal Entities from a table at 7th and Montana ...!

MOVERS AND SHAKERS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Change was in the air yesterday at 7th and Montana as an Anonymous Mover and Shaker made the scene with one goal in mind: To reorganize Our Favorite Starbucks. I knew something was up when a man dressed in the Ubiquitous Starbucks Management black shirt and khaki slacks started walking around with a clipboard, making suggestions to Manager Extraordinaire Gabe who, in turn, listened intently. At one point, the Mover and Shaker asked a customer for advice. "Is this holiday display in your way?," he asked. "Yes," said the customer, "Maybe you could move it a bit further away from my table." Moments later, a Workerbee slid the display-in-question a few inches to the East. I waited patiently, but the Mover and Shaker never asked me for my opinion (despite my obvious efforts to get his attention). Had he asked, I would have said: "Take a sledgehammer to the wall separating us from the now-defunct surf shop next door. You barely have enough room for coffee beans let alone customers. Go ahead, Break on Through to the Other Side ...!"

SOY, AHOY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Helen of Soy," the face that launched a thousand quips this morning at 7th and Montana when she ordered a drink so bizarre it left the Baristas stumped. "I'll have a Hot Soy Milk, but fill it halfway with water, please," she asked, politely. Barista Veronica looked surprised. "You know," Helen explained, "A half-and-half." "Ahh," said Veronica, "You want a Half Caff?" "No," said Helen, repeatedly, "Soy Milk and Water." I left before she could order a Tofu Fritter ...!

BUSY BEES ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was all work and no play for a couple of Worker Bees who set up shop at 7th and Montana this morning, intent on treating Starbucks like their own "private" office. First-up was a woman I call "Cathy Crisis." Why? Because she chose to work on her company's "Confidential Crisis

Preparedness Plan" from a seat near the Starbucks bathroom. Perhaps she was

waiting for a Natural Disaster.

Then came "Andy the Accountant," long known for crunching numbers over cappuccino. Today he was hunched over a series of client files and a rather large checkbook. It must be nice, I thought, as I grabbed my coffee and hit the road. But, if you ask me, the only people who can really get away with using Starbucks as their office are Baristas, Screen Writers and Monavie Salespersons, in that order ...!

DIVINE INTERVENTION ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA

It was a case of Divine Intervention this morning at 7th and Montana as an Anonymous Biblical Scholar made the scene, intent on preaching the Good Word to anyone who would listen. He wasted no time cozying-up to the same sweet but somewhat unstable elderly woman who occasionally arrives at Starbucks in various states of undress. Naturally, I worried. Were they discussing "the Greatest Story Ever Told" or was he selling her on something else, altogether? He looked unkempt, like he just came from a sermon at the Dumpster between 7th and Lincoln. And, while I know it's unfair to judge a book by its cover, I couldn't help wondering what was really going on between the pages of his Bible. Just as I was debating whether or not this woman was in any potential danger, something strange happened. A Christmas Wreath -- part of the Starbucks' holiday display -- hit me on the head. I took it as a sign from above: "Mind your own Business!"