BALI HAI'S AND LOWS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a taste of South Pacific at 7th and Montana yesterday as an Anonymous Islander took fashion trends to a new Bali Low. "Yikes, get a load of that," said one onlooker as the Islander, a woman in her early fifties, walked by wearing an Extra Large Mu-Mu festooned with Lilies. Her hair was arranged in a bun so tightly wound it sat on her head like a cobra ready to strike. An Oversized Blossom dangled precariously from her scalp. "I'm on it," I said, grabbing my camera phone and following her up 7th Street. And then, just as I was ready to take her picture, she turned to face me. I tried to cover my tracks, pretending as usual to send someone a text message, but the jig was up. She shot me a look like an Angry Volcano God, then continued along her merry way.

UNBEARABLE MUSIC ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a Culture Clash of major proportions this morning at 7th and Montana as a pair of Anonymous Music Aficionados (pictured above) regaled the crowd with stories of last night's classical performance featuring Internationally Celebrated Conductor Kent Nagano at the The Broad Stage in Santa Monica. Evidently, the stage was a bit too broad for its own good. The program began with a tribe of Inuit Throat Singers who croaked at each other from the depths of their windpipes, creating a sound one might expect if a dozen cats coughed-up a collective hairball. "I'm sure there's a place for this music ..." said Aficionado A, "...somewhere in the Arctic." Next-up was a grizzly rendition of Karlheinz Stockhausen's "In Freundschaft," performed by a Bassoon Soloist who appeared on stage in a bear costume. "Just try to imagine a man in a Full Kodiak Bear Costume standing alone on stage, grasping a bassoon with an air tube entering his mouth just below the snout," said Aficionado B, "He was accompanied only by a small jar of honey near his feet, apparently intended to inspire him to musical greatness." "Did you say this was a bassoon or a buffoon solo?," I interjected. Whatever the case, the whole evening must have been unbearable. The Aficionados left during the intermission. "That's what I like about the Broad Stage," said Aficionado A, "You get home so early ...!"

A TYPE A IN TAIPEI ... !

Taipei is an intriguing city. Perhaps because it's covered in a nearly perpetual blanket of smog accompanied by the pungent aroma of Chicken Asses, Rooster Balls and Pig Blood Popsicles, it's all too easy to hole yourself up in your hotel. I finally had a chance today to venture beyond the Sheraton Taipei, and I'm glad I did.

It didn't take me long to find the National Theater and Concert Hall, Taiwan's largest national performing arts center. The building looks like a traditional Chinese palace with its imposing stone facade and bright, orange tiled roof, but it's actually a modern structure, commissioned in 1975 by the Kuomintang government. To my surprise, I learned that my own company, Philips Electronics, played a major role in its design and engineering.

Directly across from the National Theater and Concert Hall is the monumental Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall honoring the famous former President of the Republic of China who died in 1975. Chiang Kai-shek was considered a reformer, so in designing the monument, the Taiwanese people wanted to make a statement. According to the official propaganda, "The key concepts of the architectural design are: to convey the spirits of Chinese culture; to create a style with novelty and distinctiveness; and finally to use the most modern architectural technology in order to achieve practical and economical purposes at the same time." In other words, no one wanted to break the bank on this one. It's imposing but stark.

The Memorial Hall is surrounded by lush gardens with two ponds designed to reflect the principles both of the Ming Dynasty and the modern unification of China. The ponds are stocked with colorful carp and surrounded by hills, which -- according to officials -- "provides an ultimate sense of relaxation to make visits worthwhile." In my opinion, it would have been more relaxing if it wasn't 90-degrees outside with enough humidity to send even Chiang Kai-shek running for cover.

I continued my walk until, quite by surprise, right behind a street vendor selling a foul-smelling delicacy called "Stinky Tofu," I stumbled upon the National Taiwan Museum. The Museum -- built in 1908 by the Japanese who ruled Taiwan at the time -- features collections including specimens of Taiwan's indigenous animals and plants. I didn't go in, having already seen enough of these animals on my dinner plate to last a lifetime.

The Museum is flanked by 228 Peace Park, a small patch of greenery which -- while originally built by the Japanese -- stands today as a memorial to a bloody massacre. In 1947, a group of protesters, angry over police brutality against Taiwanese civilians at the hands of the then-reigning Kuomintang government, staged a demonstration on this site which led to more than 10,000 deaths, ushering in a period called the "White Terror" during which thousands more Taiwanese were killed, imprisoned or vanished.

Perhaps that's why the police presence today in Taipei seems so much more subdued. The Lone Bumpkin standing in front of the Taiwanese Presidential Palace (pictured above), is actually a Police Officer in disguise. I was driving by in a taxi when my driver stopped, laughed and, in broken English, yelled out the window, "Hey you Tourist, who do you think you're fooling?!? Everyone can see the wires hanging out of your ears ... we all know you are an Undercover Cop!" I urged him to drive on before he started another rebellion.

THE FORBIDDEN FOODS OF SNAKE ALLEY ...

They say that no trip to Taipei is complete without a visit to Snake Alley, an outdoor marketplace specializing in "traditional Chinese medicine," where colorful street vendors try to sell you on the pharmaceutical benefits of everything ranging from deer antlers and monkey heads to flying lizards. The specialty of the house, of course, is snake blood which, when mixed with alcohol, is supposed to make men more virile. But if snake blood isn't your cup of tea, not to worry, there are plenty of other options.

Rooster Testicles (pictured above) are apparently the Ultimate Aphrodisiac. Just plop one into a glass of champagne and you're ready for a night on the town.


Turtles, they say, are good for longevity ... though the unfortunate specimens pictured above might argue with you on that point.


Mice are soaked in wine for a period of at least two years. You pick your own specimen out of a cage and the nice folks at Snake Alley will ferment it for you. The New York Times called Snake Alley "a street paved with Chinese traditions and superstitions," but by the time I was finished walking the two blocks I was ready to call it something else: A Day. My blood was boiling and it wasn't because I'd sampled any of the "merchandise."
"It's healthy for men, healthy for men," repeated a particularly zealous vendor in broken English. "I'm not interested in snake blood," I said, firmly, "Haven't you people ever heard of Viagra?!?" And with that, I huffed off. The nearest PETA office is in Hong Kong and you can bet I'm getting in touch with them.

A TASTE OF 7TH AND MONTANA ... IN TAIPEI

What does the corner of Zhongxiao Xinsheng and Gungyuan Road in Taipei have in common with 7th and Montana? Quite a lot if my experience this morning was any indication. You see, there's a Starbucks at that corner -- just seven blocks from the Danshui River -- and it seems to have become a magnet for Local Loons. Take the woman pictured above. She spent all morning standing on the sidewalk wearing what looked like a White Ninja Costume and a Sandwich Board which read, in Chinese, "There's no Justice." She clanged away incessantly on a pair of Portable Cymbals and chanted over and over, in Chinese, "There's no Justice." I found out what she meant shortly after walking into Starbucks.

"That will be $95," said the Taiwanese Barista, handing me my coffee with a straight face. "What?!?," I cried, "$95 for a small cup of coffee?!? Are you insane?!?" He laughed. "That's 95 Taiwanese Dollars," he explained, "which is only about 3 American Dollars." "What?!?," I exclaimed, again. "$3 for a medium drip coffee?!? ... There's no Justice!!!" The Barista laughed. "Would you like anything else?" That's when I looked down at the Pastry Case and came face-to-face with the local equivalent of an Apple Fritter.

It's called a "Dragon Festive Sweet" and is essentially two scoops of technicolor bean paste atop a banana leaf. In the Dragon Boat tradition, I'm told, such sweets were thrown into Hong Kong harbor centuries ago in an effort to prevent fish from eating the corpse of a well-known official. I wouldn't try that these days. Not only would the fish prefer the corpse, but local authorities would probably slap you with a fine for Toxic Dumping, to boot. Now that's what I call Justice ...!

DINNER IS SERVED ... AT SHILIN MARKET

Ever feel like you needed a little hair of the dog that bit you? If so, then the Shilin Night Market in Taipei is for you. Established in 1909 on the banks of the Keelung River by a group of enterprising street vendors, Shilin is today the largest and most well-known marketplace in Taiwan. Their motto is: "If it moves, we serve it up for dinner." I went there last night with a group of colleagues, intent on grabbing some Chicken Ass on a Stick and, let me tell you, I wasn't disappointed. "I promised you Chicken Ass," said my colleague, Judy, "And Chicken Ass is what you get!"

Chicken Ass on a Stick (pictured above) is a local delicacy here in Taipei. People can't seem to get enough of it and it's easy to see why. Succulent bits of marinated chicken anus are roasted to perfection over an open flame, seasoned with "special spices," and skewered right in front of you. It's like having your very own, made-to-order Ass Kabob. What could be better? Just you wait!

Feast your eyes on the Specialty of the House, Barbecued Duck Feet (pictured above). These tangy, tendonous tidbits are so fresh they practically waddle right up to you and say "get me the hell out of here." But better hurry, folks, before Rigor Mortis sets in.

Those duck feet are tempting, but if you're like me, you prefer more meat and less bone. Take a look at these juicy, Boneless Chicken Feet (pictured above). Grab a scoop and fill a cup, folks, there's plenty to go around. Colonel Sanders never had it so good.

But enough with the feet. Nothing says "fowl" quite like a Disembodied Duck Head on a plate (pictured above). Grill it, add it to your favorite stir fry, use it as a garnish ... the sky's the limit! Why, if you listen closely, you can practically hear it saying, "You're Despicable!"

Step right up folks and lend me your ear. They tell me that Raw Pig Ears (pictured above) are an acquired taste ... but I wouldn't know. They're best served boiled, but as far as I'm concerned, they could make it into a silk purse, fill it with gold and I still wouldn't be interested.

And finally, we're ready for our main course: Intestines al Dente (pictured above). Where else, my friends, could you find juicy, raw intestines carefully wrapped and coiled by expert artisans who aim to please. Some establishments might charge you an arm and a leg for morsels like these, but at Shilin Market you pay for your intestines by the foot.
I hope you saved room for dessert, because I'm about to make you an offer you can't refuse: Pig Blood Popsicles (pictured above). It's true, the culinary geniuses here in Taipei have found a way to take congealed pig blood and mold it into the form of a popsicle. What will they think of next?!? The mind -- and the stomach -- reels. That ends my tour for today, folks. Come back tomorrow for a special, inside look at the Taiwanese Healthcare System ...!

ROTTEN TOMATOES ... IN TAIPEI

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Mr. Tomatohead," the silent sentinel who stands guard over Taoyuan International Airport in Taiwan. Tommy -- as his friends call him -- is the first thing most visitors see when they clear customs in Taipei and, take it from me, you could hardly ask for a more Enigmatic Welcoming Committee. He sits in the arrivals area, quietly vegetating while passersby stare in disbelief. "Why a tomato?," I wondered as I rushed by to catch a cab, "Who in their right mind would disguise himself as a Beefsteak Tomato?!?" I would have stopped to ask a few questions but -- how can I put this delicately? -- Tommy was a bit ripe ...!