SHOCK THERAPY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was Bombs Away at 7th and Montana this morning as an Eccentric Nerr-do-Well made the scene carrying a contraption that resembled an Explosive Device. "Holy Mary Mother of God," I said, "Get a load of what just walked in. We're done for!" The Nerr-do-Well, a man in his mid-thirties with long, scraggly black hair and a ski hat, took a seat at the counter and plugged his mysterious device into the wall. "Is it ticking?" I asked. "No," replied Robin, "But you really need to go in for a closer look." I did ... and wasn't the least bit surprised to find the gentleman conversing with himself. "She's singing, I tell you," he said, repeatedly. The device, it turned out, was a Black & Decker Electromate 400, a portable power supply offering up to 450 amps of "instant starting power" and a built-in inflator. Maybe he can use it to give himself a little shock therapy ...!

EXTRA, EXTRA ... AT THE BEVERLY HILLS LIBRARY!

Extra, Extra: Read all About it! Kathy's Top Secret Video went into production today and, surprisingly enough, I had a part in it ... as an Extra. Several months ago, Kathy laughed out loud at the notion that I might be a Romantic Lead. More recently, she suggested that I don't even have the acting chops to play a Corpse. Today, however, she needed Extras for a location shoot at the Beverly Hills Library and both Genevieve and I were happy to oblige. My role was to walk up and down the stairs repeatedly with my head buried in a book. I was supposed to be reading Ladies of Liberty: The Women Who Shaped Our Nation by Cokie Roberts. However, when no one was looking, I shoved that book back on the shelf and chose something more appropriate for my "big break": I Am Potential by Patrick Henry Hughes. Meanwhile, Genevieve -- whose role was to walk down the steps as I was walking up -- was apparently something of a Flop. The Sound Crew said that her Flip Flops were making too much noise. By the end of the shoot, she, too had picked-up a new book: Hot and Bothered by Jane Isenberg.

FLOWERS FOR ALGERNON ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Algernon(compos mentis)," an eccentric bicyclist who made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning with what looked like a bouquet of flowers growing out of his rear end. His friends wasted no time commenting on the bold, new look. "You've got a growth sticking out of your ass," said one of them, dryly, "That's pretty brave of you!" Algernon just looked at him smugly, as if to say "You're full of fertilizer," and ran inside to grab his coffee. I tell you, some people think their shit doesn't stink ...!

TAKE A LOAD OFF ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Heads were turning at 7th and Montana this morning as a Mysterious Newcomer known as "Mr. Z" for his peculiar, zombie-like behavior sat staring into space for the third day in a row. By most accounts, he's become a Permanent Fixture in front of Our Favorite Starbucks, shifting location only occasionally to refill the water bottle he keeps by his side. "Every day it's the same thing," said one witness, "Same blank stare, same chair, same water bottle. Maybe he's trying to set a new world record for inactivity." If so, he has some big shoes to fill. A "silent Indian fakir" named Mastram Bapu set the current world record by sitting virtually motionless from 1960 to 1982 outside the remote Indian village of Chitra. I guess that means we can look forward to the pleasure of Mr. Z's company until 2032 ...!

THE AGONY OF DA FEET ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA

It was "Toot, Toot, Tootsie, Hello" at 7th and Montana yesterday as an Anonymous Newcomer decided that her feet deserved a chair of their own. I might not have noticed but for the fact that she pushed her makeshift footstool close to my table, crossed one leg over the other and -- how do I put this kindly? -- she smelled like low tide. Moments after sitting down, she called someone on her cell phone and left a message: "Hey, honey," she said, "I hope you're awake. I'm just calling to make sure you got out of bed!" Lady, let me give you some unsolicited advice: Go shove your feet in "honey's" face. If that doesn't wake him up, nothing will ...!

DID YOU SAY YARD SALE? ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Tongues were wagging at 7th and Montana on Sunday as Second Hand Tillie, the woman known to be on Perpetual Lookout for a yard sale -- any yard sale -- made the scene intent on finding bargains. "Hooray," I cried, as I watched her Light Blue Prius (CA License #5MDX45) crawl up 7th Street at a snail's pace, "She's back!" True to form, Tillie parked her car in the middle of the street while she slowly, methodically toddled her way over to a nearby light pole to check for signs of a yard sale. "Look at that," cried a man wearing what looked like a lampshade on his head, "That guy is taking her picture ... that's the funniest thing I've seen all day!" I wonder if he'd still be laughing if he knew that both he and his lampshade were featured in my blog on February 17.

GAME CALLED ON ACCOUNT OF SLUDGE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was game called on account of sludge this morning at 7th and Montana as Our Favorite Starbucks shut down promptly at 9:00 a.m. for some emergency plumbing repairs. "It looks like there's some serious shit going down in there," said one onlooker, "Hurry up and get inside before they lock the door." I had plenty of time to get a good look around before the plumbers arrived. "Hmmm," I thought, "This looks like the handiwork of the Notorious Mr. Sludge, known far and wide for backing-up local toilets every time he flushes his babywipes." Mr. Sludge was nowhere to be found, but the evidence of his crime was on display in the pastry case ... !