CRACKING UP ... ON FLIGHT 1798!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "the Crackler," the scourge of American Airlines Flight #1798 last night to San Francisco. From the minute he arrived at the gate to the minute the plane landed, he cracked his gum again and again so loudly that several people asked him to stop. He ignored them. For my part, I decided "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." I matched each crack with an "oink" which, given that he was sitting across the aisle from me, meant that the hour-long flight went something like this: "CRACK" ... "oink" ... "CRACK" ... "oink" ... "CRACK" ... "oink ..." He didn't seem to understand what I was doing. Who knows, maybe he was on crack ...!

GREAT EXPECTATIONS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Local Lovebirds David and Kerry threw the crowd for a loop this weekend at 7th and Montana with a surprise announcement. "I have some news for you," David said, taking a long breath, "We're expecting ..." There was a pregnant pause, during which I started to wonder whether Kerry was pregnant, until Kerry herself filled the gap. "I'm NOT having a baby!," she said, playfully punching David in the arm. "We're getting a puppy," David continued, smiling. "Ahh," I said. Truth be told, anyone who knows Kerry already knew that the pitter patter of little paws was in their future, but I guess David's announcement does make it official. The bundle of joy -- a "Malti-Poo" (a hybrid cross between a Maltese and Poodle) -- should arrive just in time for the holidays. Congratulations to the happy couple!

KNOCK, KNOCK ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Melony," a striking woman who made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning with breasts so enhanced Jules Verne could have used them to fly around the world in 80 days. The fact that she wore a skin-tight t-shirt that was cut at the neck made them all the more noticeable. "Yikes," said one witness, "They've obviously been enhanced to the max." Some say "to each their own," others say she looked "udderly ridiculous." As for me, all I can do is keep you abreast of the situation ...!

WHO'S AFRAID OF A LITTLE DRAMA ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was High Drama this morning at 7th and Montana as a young couple went at it tooth and nail, raising their voices and speaking so harshly to one another that I didn't know what to do first, call 911 or whip out my Spycam. I chose the latter and good thing, too. Their dialogue was far too entertaining to risk breaking it up. At one point, it went something like this:

Woman: You make me PUKE!!

Man: What?

Woman: Uh ... You make me PUKE!

Man: That wasn't a very nice thing to say.

Woman: That wasn't what?

Man: ... a very nice thing to say!

Woman: You're such a SIMP!!

And then the argument stopped as abruptly as it started. The man turned to his companion as if nothing had happened and said, "I'm going back for another cup of coffee, can I get you another drinkypoo?" I glanced at their table and suddenly everything became clear. They were reading from the script of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" Well Albee damned ...!

A NOTE OF THANKS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

I just wanted to take a few minutes to thank all of the locals who took or sent photographs of what was happening at 7th and Montana while I was in Massachusetts last week. Based on the photos, I guess the neighborhood's cup -- or trash can -- runneth over and, in unrelated news, there must have been a fire somewhere on 7th Street. Sorry I didn't get a chance to put it all in the blog ... but it's nice to know folks cared enough to whip out their Spycams in my absence!

CLAUDIA THE CLOD ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and gentlemen, meet “Claudia,” an attractive young newcomer at 7th and Montana who – how can I put this delicately? – is a Clod. There I was, minding my own business yesterday, just trying to walk from the cash register to the condiments bar, when she stood up from her table and, without even looking, hoisted a large bag over her shoulder and onto my coffee cup. Coffee went flying all over my sport coat. “I’m soooo sorry,” she said, sincerely. “Not to worry,” I replied, “That’s why God invented brown sport coats!” Truth be told, it was custom-made, but I guess now, thanks to Claudia, it’s even more ‘customized.’ I quietly whipped out my Spycam and discretely took her photo. Later, when I looked at it, I realized that I wasn’t so discrete, afterall. She was staring right into the camera, as if she knew what I was up to. Oh, well ... I guess that makes me a Clod, too!

PAR FOR THE COURSE ... AT 14TH AND MONTANA!

Controversy reared its ugly head at 7th and Montana last night as word spread that the "Golfer" -- the man of mystery who for weeks has been spending his mornings discussing golf strategies with a pro in front of Our Favorite Starbucks -- has been moonlighting at Peets. Yes, it's true. There I was, walking by the Peets at 14th and Montana, when I couldn't help noticing that the Golfer was sitting inside, comparing notes with another aspiring pro. I first blogged about the Golfer back on November 14. At the time, no one could figure out why two people would spend day after day practicing golf shots (without clubs or balls) in front of a Starbucks. At the time I speculated that a pro was imparting his wisdom to a disciple. It turns out I had the roles reversed. The man pictured above is a coach and evidently he meets with his clients at popular cafes on Montana. Who knows, maybe his game stops at 18th Street ...!