A LESSON FROM THE GURU ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a full house at 7th and Montana yesterday.  So full I had to take a seat at the counter against the wall, next to the Guru, the local eccentric known for knowing everything.  I knew what to expect even before I sat down.  "Let me tell you all about the European banking sector," he said.  And then, without waiting for me to respond, he went on and on about the history of the British and Dutch banks.  I tried everything.  I looked away;  I opened my iPad;  I pretended to talk on the phone.  Nothing worked.  For all I know, he's still there now, yammering on about the Rothschilds.  That's the problem with the counter at Our Favorite Starbucks.  It's just like a seat in Economy Class ...!

STARBUXXX ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was eXtreme;  It was eXcessive;  It was ineXcusable.  It was a Triple X morning at 7th and Montana today as an Anonymous Pervert made the scene wearing a suggestive leather jacket.  "Oh, good, there you are," said Robin, rushing to my side, "I just got a photo for you.  Get a load of that guy's jacket."  The Pervert, a man in his mid-forties, wore a white leather jacket with an insignia on the back depicting a nearly naked woman on her hands and knees.  "Gee, isn't that wholesome," I said, adding, "Correction ... make that G-String!"  Kathy was quick to look-up the Italian word "Pecorina," which appeared above the illustration.  "It means doggie style," she chuckled.  As for me, I kept trying to think of a suitable blog headline, but was at a loss for words.  Robb and Robin promised to give it some more thought on their way to church.  Twenty minutes later, they texted me from the pew with Robb's suggestion:  "StarbuXXX!," he said.  "Love it!," I replied, "Now maybe you should focus on the sermon!"  As for the Pervert, for all I know he went to church, too.  Afterall, he's definitely one of those Porn Again types ...!

VALENTINES DAY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Cupid's Arrow struck at 7th and Montana yesterday and if you don't believe me, just ask the three teens who made the scene extra early to celebrate Valentine's Day on their way to school.  One boy, pictured above, gave his sweetheart a Gargantuan Teddy Bear while their friend schlepped along behind them like a third wheel, holding a bouquet of flowers.  The whole thing was 'unbearably cute' ...!

CHANGES? ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Tongues were wagging at 7th and Montana yesterday as word spread that two anonymous construction workers were 'casing the joint' with clipboards and architectural renderings.  "This can only mean one thing," I said, "There's a renovation in store!"  Who knows, maybe they've ordered a toaster ...!

THESE SHOES ARE MADE FOR WALKING (AWAY AS FAST AS POSSIBLE) ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Something peculiar was afoot yesterday at 7^th and Montana:  A woman made the scene wearing what looked like a pair of homemade Caveman Shoes.  They consisted of various bits of leather and suede stitched haphazardly together and glued to a piece of felt.  Individual toe sockets – nothing more than rolled-up bits of animal skin -- protruded at jaunty angles.  The overall effect was dazzling, as if Hannibal Lecter threw-up on a pair of Birkenstocks.  And it doesn’t end there.  Her pants, a crazy kaleidoscope of lizard, crocodile and cowhide patches, matched her shoes perfectly.  A variety of animal pelts dangled from her shoulder.  Now that's what I call a killer sense of fashion ...!

ASS-FAULT JUNGLE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Charlie Parker," the Local Nimrod who treated the bus stop in front of Our Favorite Starbucks yesterday like his own, personal parking lot.  He tootled along in his Ford Focus, inching his way through a red light and swerving to the bus stop like it had his name on it.  He stepped out of the car and slowly made his way into Starbucks, where he remained for a good ten-minutes.  The crowd gaped in astonishment and prayed for a bus to arrive.  "What I wouldn't give for a bus or police car to arrive right now," said one witness.  But no such luck.  Mr. Parker emerged from Starbucks, cappuccino in hand, and got back into his car.  He pulled an illegal u-turn on 7th, then slowly eased his way through another red light, barely missing a pedestrian on the crosswalk.  Let's hope he ordered a decaff ...!

PILL-O TALK ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a standing ovation for Neighbor Larry at 7th and Montana this morning as word spread of his latest acting gig.  The talented actor -- known for an array of TV and recent radio work -- is starring in another Viagra commercial.  Congratulations, Larry ... I always knew you were one of the hardest working men in Hollywood!