AULD ANXIETY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a case of Auld Anxiety at 7th and Montana this morning as Mr. Transistor -- the man known for walking up and down 7th Street blasting his transistor radio -- left his pit bull tied-up in front of Our Favorite Starbucks again and disappeared for at least 30-minutes. As usual, the dog barked non-stop. "This is getting ridiculous," said Bob, "Someone ought to do something about it." "I'm on it!," I replied, whipping out my Spycam and activating the "GoRequest" application. GoRequest, for those who don't know, is an iPhone application offering a direct pipeline to the City of Santa Monica. It's easy-to-use: Just take a photo of whatever offends you, add a brief explanation, hit send and -- voila -- Instant Complaint. I took the photo above and added the following message: "This pit bull is the pits. Every morning its owner ties it up at 7th and Montana and walks away, leaving it barking nonstop. Isn't there a law against this? Oh, and the guy sitting behind the dog is wearing a Funky Turban ... please send the Fashion Police!" You might be wondering "should old acquaintance be forgot?" Let me tell you, if that old acquaintance is Mr. Transistor, the answer is definitely "yes!" Happy New Year, everyone ...!

DISTURBIN' TURBAN ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Some days you just want to throw in the towel ... and if you don't believe me, just ask the Zombie-in-Training who made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning wearing a rolled-up towel on his head. No doubt he was trying to create a makeshift turban, but it kept coming unravelled. I guess he could use a little turban renewal ...!

THEY CALL HIM MELLOW YELLOW ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Slick Willie, an Anonymous Nincompoop who made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning wearing the kind of raingear one might expect if we were having a monsoon. Granted, it was drizzling, but his outfit -- a full-fledged, bright yellow rain jacket and matching pants -- seemed like overkill. "Get a load of Mr. Slick," I said. Bob took one look at him and said, "I've seen slicker ...!"

CREATIVE CALENDARS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was out with the old year and in with the new at 7th and Montana this morning as Genevieve made the scene with an official 2011 Crop Circle Calendar, which she got as a gift from Kathy. Kathy made the calendar herself by artfully combining various photos of crop circles and sending them to Apple to be printed and bound. The result was inspiring. "That looks great," I said, "I think I'll make something similar using photos I've taken here at 7th and Montana ... only we'll call it the Official 2011 Crap Circle Calendar." As I spoke, an idea began to take shape. The Crap Circle Calendar could feature a different load of crap each month, each carefully selected from the array of souvenirs Barista Kevin has cleaned off the floor of the rest room at Our Favorite Starbucks. "And why stop there?," I continued, "This thing has movie rights written all over it!" I, for one, smell a sequel to the 1957 classic which won Joanne Woodward an Oscar for Best Actress. We'll call it "The Three Feces of Eve."

HOLY HUCK-A-BEE ... ON 6th STREET!

Tarnation! There's a dead ringer for Huck Finn in town and I'll be hornswoggled if his straw hat ain't enough to make you say "Hee Haw." I caught up with the would-be Huck today near the FedEx office on 6th Street and -- take it from me -- he left his brain somewhere in the Antebellum Period. "Howdy, that's some hat," I said. He looked at me and -- in a voice not unlike Mickey Mouse's sidekick, Goofy -- he let out an enormous guffaw. Poor Huck. On the one hand, there's his hat. On the other, there's good fashion sense. Something tells me, never the Twain shall meet ...!

GHOULS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Shock waves rippled across 7th and Montana this morning as the Zombie -- known for sitting in the same chair, in the same position, for hours on end -- got up from his table at Our Favorite Starbucks and somnambulated his way to the bus stop outside. He resumed his standard position but, in a shocking new twist, he started smacking his lips together again and again, like a cow chewing his cud. A Nearsighted Pedestrian (pictured above) tapped him on the shoulder and asked, "Do you know the bus schedule?" The Zombie swiveled around to face him, took one look at his head, and started smacking his lips together even more loudly. I knew it was time to intervene. "I wouldn't expect an answer if I were you," I muttered, "The only bus this guy's waiting for is heading straight to the Twilight Zone." "I see what you mean," said the Pedestrian, who took off up 7th Street. As for the Zombie, he eventually went back inside and ducked into the restroom, only to emerge several minutes later in a Gossamer Skirt. "Yikes," said Genevieve, "Did you get a photo of the slit in that skirt?" I must admit, I can't figure out why the Zombie sometimes wears this skirt. Maybe it's for Ghouls Night Out ...?

RED NOSED AND RED HANDED ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen ... but I'll bet you don't know the latest addition to Santa's Band of Yuletide Hoofers: Brazen. Yes, it's true, the Notorious Neighborhood Newspaper Thief made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning and he's more Brazen than ever. The Thief -- known for stealing copies of The New York Times and The Los Angeles Times when he thinks no one is looking -- snuck up to Our Favorite Starbucks, double-checked to make sure the coast was clear, then swooped-in for the kill. Normally -- for some inexplicable reason -- the very site of me and my Spycam sends him peddling away at warp speed on his getaway bike, but today he didn't see me. He marched right into Starbucks and grabbed both newspapers without so much as a "Feliz Navidad." I sidled up to his getaway bike outside and waited for him to return. When he did, I pointed my Spycam right in his face and said, "Howdy, nice day to steal the newspaper, eh?" He recoiled, as usual, then jumped on his bike and peddled like crazy -- doing a strange loop-de-loop in the middle of 7th Street -- before regaining his composure and zipping off into the horizon. Yes, he's Brazen, alright. Then, again, I guess it takes one to know one ...!