CONDEMNED BY THE CONDIMENTS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Yapster," the World's Most Annoying Pooch. Yapster made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning intent on waking the dead ... and his owner, a woman known locally as "Mrs. Buttersworth," didn't seem to mind it one bit. The minute Mrs. Buttersworth went into Starbucks, Yapster, who remained outside tethered to a newspaper bin, started barking to beat the band. He treated the neighborhood to a series of nonstop yips and yaps for more than 20-minutes while Mrs. Buttersworth did what she does best: She took her own sweet time. Finally, Cathy couldn't take it anymore. "La montarde m'est monter au zes!," she cried, her French blood boiling. She stormed into Starbucks to give Mrs. Buttersworth a piece of her mind. The result was instantaneous. Mrs. Buttersworth (pictured below) flew out of Starbucks like a bat out of hell and hightailed it down 7th Street with the Yapster in tow. We'll never know exactly what Cathy said to Mrs. Buttersworth, but the English translation for her French comment above is: "The mustard is climbing up my nose!" "Was it Grey Poupon?," I asked. "No," said Cathy, "It was Colman's Extra Spicey!"

PUSS-IN-BOOTS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Puss-in-Boots, an Unfortunate Fashion Victim who made the scene at 7th and Montana this week wearing a pair of fur-lined boots that made her look like Yukon Sal. "Quick," said Howard, "Grab your camera ... she's getting away!" Indeed, her boots were made for walking, albeit at a Glacial pace. I moved quickly to grab a photo. "Do you think she realizes that it's June in Southern California?," I asked. "I've met her before," said Howard, "She's from Texas." Let's hope she's from the part that wants to secede ...!

FINE ART ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA

How would you like to travel 3,000 miles for a little rest and relaxation, only to have a complete stranger dredge-up your worst problems as soon as you arrive? Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Yehuda, a man who has been dealing with a scandal so ugly it followed him all the way from Boston to Santa Monica. As President of Brandeis University, he recently decided that the University should sell a number of valuable works of art to raise money. The resulting uproar -- from the art community, alumni, and insiders -- made international headlines. When I read about it, I couldn't help putting myself in the position of the people who had donated the art to begin with, all of whom have passed away. How would you like to give a valuable gift -- designed to create a legacy in a world-class museum -- only to have it sold-off to the highest bidder? I guess that's why I tackled Yehuda as soon as I saw him. "Howdy," I said, "I've read all about ... your controversy." "Yes," said Yehuda politely, "I have some artwork to sell. Are you interested?" "How much?," I asked. "Trust me," he replied, "you can't afford it!"

EXTRATERRESTRIALS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was Many Happy Returns at 7th and Montana today as Ace Photographer Kovar made the scene fresh from a business trip to Roswell, New Mexico. What kind of business could Kovar have in the UFO capital of the world? That, my friends, is Strictly Classified ... but rumor has it the trip will be well-documented on Explore.org. Naturally, I pressed Kovar for details. "You can tell me," I began, "Did you see any Little Green Men?" "No," he replied, "It was just a small town in the middle of nowhere. A lot of the shops had been shut down." "So, you're telling me there was no sign of Aliens?," I continued, "Surely you don't mean to say ... err ... wait a minute ...!" A man resembling a cross between Chewbacca the Wookie and Grizzly Adams walked by guzzling a Grande Americano. "Forget it," I said, "Who needs Roswell, anyway ...?!?"

A POLITICAL STATEMENT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Politics reared its head at 7th and Montana this morning ... but -- surprisingly enough -- it was sound asleep and snoring. Ladies and Gentleman, meet Ms. Pundit, a Sweet Little Old Lady who made the scene at Our Favorite Starbucks this morning intent on making a curious political statement. "Oh dear," she said, turning to me in a whisper, "I'm running late. Do you know what time it is?" Before I could respond, she appeared to slump her head forward and doze off. I did what any gentleman in my situation would do: I whipped out my trusty spycam and zoomed-in for a close-up. As I did so, I couldn't help noticing just how late she was. A large button on her broad-brimmed straw hat read: "McCain Campaign Leadership Victory Team" ...!

TYLER'S ON TV ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

If you were watching the season finale last night of NBC-TV's psychic detective series, 'Medium', you might have thought you were seeing a ghost in more ways than one. That's because at precisely 10:24 p.m., Barista Tyler appeared on the screen. "I nearly fell out of my chair," said one regular at Our Favorite Starbucks, "I had a sudden urge to run to the kitchen and get a cup of coffee." Tyler, whose debut lasted for nearly five seconds, played the role of a Federal Agent sitting at a conference room table. The series lead, Patricia Arquette, took one look in Tyler's direction and collapsed in a heap on the floor. Blood was pouring from her nose. She was later rushed to the hospital where inside sources say she will remain unconscious until next season. And boy is she in for a surprise when she wakes up. The series is moving to CBS this fall ...!

I PITHY THE FOOL WHO DOUBTS ME ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

The Gossip Mill was working overtime at 7th and Montana this morning as a handful of "nonbelievers" called me to task on some of my recent blog coverage. "Last Thursday, you mentioned something about a Wombat in a Pith Helmet," said one particularly disgruntled reader, "But I've never seen anything like that around here. Frankly, I don't believe you." I was shocked. In the past year, we've seen everything from Jittery Nutcases who treat hot chocolate like a weapon of mass destruction to Superheroes who perform Yoga in the middle of the street with underwear on their head. And some people find it hard to believe there could be a Wombat with a Pith Helmet in our midst?!? Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado, here he is -- pictured above -- the Wombat in a Pith Helmet. I rest my mental case ...!