HOW DO YOU SPELL RELIEF ... IN KYOTO?

How do you spell relief? I don't know, but whatever you do, don't ask the chef at the Hotel Granvia in Kyoto. I've long since become used to eating sea urchins for breakfast, but I must say, a few things on the menu today surprised even me.

Take the Hush Brown Potatoes, for example. An eerie silence fell over the room as I pointed them out to my colleagues over breakfast. Finally, one of them said, "Don't worry, we're not in Korea ... chances are they're not actual Hush Puppies."

Then there was the steaming plate of Hot Vegerables at lunch, a heaping helping of colorful specimens if I ever saw one. It was the most venerable dish of its kind I've ever seen. The whole thing was like something out of a Vita-Mita-Vegerable commercial.

All I can say is, thank God they saved a seat for me at dinner... even if it was intended for the Master of Celemonies. Just looking at all those Vegerables and Hush Potatoes -- not to mention the Tentacles Marinara -- was enough to make me want to spell 'relief' the good, old-fashioned way: R-O-L-A-I-D-S ...!