OFFICER ON DOODY ... AT 7TH AND GEORGINA!

Sirens were blaring near Our Favorite Starbucks this week as police finally responded to mounting evidence of a scandal at 608 Georgina.  Here’s the poop:  For weeks, someone has been depositing little plastic bags filled with dog poop in a fenced-off area intended to protect a palm tree during construction.  The bags have been piling-up, layer-upon-layer, faster than you can say Shit Mountain.  No sooner does one batch petrify, than another accumulates on top of it.  Police have been nosing around for days now trying to identify a suspect known among locals as ‘the Poopmeister.’  Some say he’s just trying to get attention, but I think he has a loftier goal in mind.  He’s building a Stairway to Paradise … with a new step every day!

WOMEN AND CHILDREN, FIRST? ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

"My owner went on a Caribbean Cruise, but all I got was this lousy life-saver."  If dogs could talk, that's what this sullen Bernese Mountain Dog would have said yesterday when she made the scene at 7th and Montana looking like a refugee from the S.S. Minnow.  Rumor has it she was wearing an inflatable life-saver around her neck to prevent her from licking herself after surgery, but I know the real story.  She was gearing-up for a trip to the 'poop deck' at 608 Georgina ...!

NO COMMON SCENTS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

My nose for news was working overtime at 7th and Montana this morning, thanks to the arrival of a mysterious stranger wearing an even more mysterious perfume.  Kathy was the first to notice it, and she wasted no time trying to identify its source.  "You smell sweet," she said to Robin, who was standing nearby.  Sweet was an understatement.  It was the floral equivalent of a caramel-coated, sugar-frosted fudge ball.  "It's not me," Robin whispered, "It's him."  Sure enough, the smell was emanating from a man standing at the condiments bar.  It followed him out the door like a cotton candy miasma.  I don't know where this guy gets his fashion advice, but someone should tell him it's time to change the Chanel ...!

PILE-UP ... AT 7th AND MONTANA!

It was crash, boom, bam this morning at 7th and Montana as a three car pile-up blocked traffic near Our Favorite Starbucks.  The problem began when a silver Cavalier screeched through a red light and took a left on Montana, leaving a trail of chaos in its wake.  Other motorists slammed on the brakes.  A Prius plowed into a truck and a Lexis plowed into the Prius.  Fortunately, no one was injured.  The driver who caused the incident was nowhere to be found.

And that wasn't the only pile-up in town.  Evidence is mounting in the local scandal known as Poop-Gate.  Just who, exactly, has been leaving little bags of poop near the corner of 7th and Georgina?  Stay tuned ...! 

POTS AND PANTS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Newcomer made the scene wearing an outfit that gives new meaning to the term 'fashion plate.'  She wore a pair of baggy pants that were festooned with plates, teapots and various bits of floating breakfast food.  "Now there's some food for thought," said one witness.  As for me, I admired her honesty.  "Finally," I said, "Someone who really means it when she says that everything she eats goes straight to her ass ...!" 

BLANKET COVERAGE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a cover-up of massive proportions at 7^th and Montana yesterday as an Anonymous Loon rolled his dog up in two blankets – like a Canine Burrito -- and placed it on one of the only remaining chairs at Our Favorite Starbucks.  “Life is ruff,” I said, searching for a place to sit, “Maybe I’ll just go crouch by the fire hydrant in case nature calls.”  The dog and owner, for their part, remained so motionless I wondered whether rigor mortis was setting in.  Some say I should forget the whole thing, let sleeping dogs lie, but I think we need to draw the line somewhere.  After all, if we allow this kind of behavior to persist, who knows what we'll see next ... Pigs in a Blanket?!?

 

TRASH TALK ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

The crowd at 7th and Montana was 'Down in the Dumps' this week as evidence mounted that the city's new recycling effort -- the installation of solar powered trash and recycling bins -- is a sham.  Starting last year, Santa Monica spent a small fortune to install a series of Big Belly trash and recycling containers in highly-visible locations all over town.  The concept is intriguing:  You just put your recyclables in a solar -powered container, and they are automatically compacted and stored until the City can collect them.  A built-in sensor even alerts the sanitation department when it's trash collection time.  Kim Braun -- Santa Monica's resource recovery and recycling manager -- crowed about the program in media interviews last year:  Solar Powered Trash Cans Talk to the City.  The only problem is, ever since these high-fallutin' trash cans were installed on Montana Avenue, witness after witness has seen the trash collectors mix recyclables with other trash and haul it all away together.  One worker, when asked about it, simply said, "Sorry, we don't have the proper trash bags to actually recycle."  Do town officials think we're all so Green that we won't notice a hoax when we see one?  Or are they too busy doing media interviews on how Green we are to clean up their act ...?