TURNING JAPANESE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

School was in session this morning at 7th and Montana as a young couple -- a tutor and her student -- made the scene, intent on studying Japanese. As near as I can tell, the woman was teaching a crash course in Japanese from a book entitled "Japanese Language for Busy People." I don't know what the book said, but if you're really busy, here's everything you need to know, courtesy of the Official English-to-Japanese Online Dictionary: Coffee = Ko-hi; Newspaper Thief = Shinbun Touzoku; Local Loon = Ro-karu Toppyoushi-monai; and Accountant = Shukei. There is no known word for Apple Fritter ...!

TRANSFORMING THE WORLD ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Rigolatte -- our Friendly, Neighborhood Opera Star -- found religion this morning at 7th and Montana. Actually, he found it some time ago. In his more lucid moments, he's been known to hop from table to table preaching the gospel and encouraging folks to sign-up for his sermons. This morning he was handing out religious literature and, much to my surprise, it was for one of the largest churches in Santa Monica. Their mission, it says, is "to form loving disciples who will transform the world." I wonder if they're aware that this particular disciple -- when he's not at mass -- spends his free time running up and down the center of 7th Street, flapping his arms wildly and belting out Opera Tunes. Now that's what I call a transformation ...!

IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the "Greenhorn," a Local Loon (above, right) who has been stationed in front of the Whole Foods market every day, all day, for the past month. His specialty? He picks up every leaf that falls to the sidewalk, one by one, and places it in his back pack for safe keeping. "It's a tough job," he said, "But someone's got to do it!" Unfortunately, he has competition. A gardener made the scene today with a leaf blower. "Go away!," screamed the Greenhorn, "You're not needed around here!" The gardener, for his part, took the incident in stride ... and why not. Local Police (above, left) have been watching the Greenhorn closely. Something tells me if he's not careful, he'll be placed on Permanent Leave ...!

WINKEN, BLINKEN AND SLOB ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana this morning as "Norman the Narco-Schelptic" -- a local loon with the attention span of a Tse Tse Fly -- fell asleep in front of a crowd of curious onlookers. Either that, or he was in a deep trance, the kind you see in the movies when a hypnotist puts someone under, right before turning him into a chicken. I considered giving him a post hypnotic suggestion -- such as "when you awake, you will feel an inexplicable yearning for Apple Fritters" -- but thought better of it. Sometimes you just have to let sleeping dogs lie ...!

BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

They say that desperate times call for desperate measures ... and if you don't believe me, just ask the Notorious Neighborhood Newspaper Thief. Ever since it somehow became public knowledge that he steals copies of the New York Times and the Los Angeles Times from Our Favorite Starbucks, his life has become a Living Hell. To avoid detection, he's taken to "stealing" his newspapers from the garbage or "nabbing" extras from the vending machine when he thinks no one is looking. Today, however, he tried something new. He made the scene wearing a Radio Receiver and Antenna strapped to his ear. Mark my words, someone is feeding him inside information ... letting him know when the "coast is clear." Either that, or he's getting his orders from the Mother Ship ...!

PUPPY POWER ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Reggie, Richard's new puppy, a delightfully inquisitive Polish Lowland Sheepdog, who made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning for the first time. Actually, Reggie's full name is "Sir Reginald of Polish Hill" but Richard is doing him a favor by calling him Reggie, for short. Reggie -- who arrived from Chicago earlier this week -- is gradually acclimating himself to life at 7th and Montana. Rumor has it he's quickly becoming "potty trained" and, if today was any indication, he seems to be taking the characters at Our Favorite Starbucks in stride. He starts school -- an intensive series of Socialization Classes, followed by Clicker Training -- in about a week. How quickly they grow up ...!

FUR-OCIOUS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Fur was flying at 7th and Montana this morning as stuffed animal activists lined-up in protest against one woman's purse. "It's an abomination against nature," said one onlooker. The purse -- a fuzzy, technicolor bag -- hung limply from her shoulder like a tribble on acid. I like a fashion statement as much as the next guy, but I couldn't help wondering how many Polyesters had to die so this woman could look good ...!