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It was a Sting Operation at 7th and Montana on Saturday as two police officers made the scene on the lookout for a Mysterious Curmudgeon with a cane. "We've received multiple reports of an elderly gentlemen threatening to hit people with his cane," said one officer, "Have you seen anything?" "You betcha," I replied, gesturing up 7th Street, "He went that-a-way!" Truth be told, all I saw was an elderly gentlemen, stooped over as he trudged up the street with a cane, but he fit the officers' description to a tee. "I didn't see him hitting anyone," I added, "But he didn't look happy." Police remain "on alert." Meanwhile, as for our angry Citizen Cane, let's hope he latches-on to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf ...!
Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana yesterday as a woman made the scene wearing what looked like two bottles of urine strapped to her belt. "Yowsa," I said, "I guess when you've got to go, you've got to go!" Given the cast of characters who typically frequent the restroom at Our Favorite Starbucks -- including a few who seem intent on claiming squatter's rights -- most folks think the woman was being shrewd. "I don't blame her one bit," said one witness, "I'd rather piss in a bottle than touch anything in that rest room, too!" But I think something else was going on. She's obviously trying to make the Number One fashion statement of the year ...!
Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Moe L. Dee, the scourge of Delta Flight 4608. He made the scene last night on the puddle jumper from San Francisco to L.A. reeking of mold. "Gee this is getting old fast," I said to myself, searching for signs of mildew as he took his seat beside me. I eventually discovered the source of the odor: It was a leather jacket which he kept draped over his lap. The poor guy. I'll bet that smell puts a damper on his social life. Underneath it all, he's probably a good spore-t ...!
It was a full house at 7th and Montana yesterday. So full I had to take a seat at the counter against the wall, next to the Guru, the local eccentric known for knowing everything. I knew what to expect even before I sat down. "Let me tell you all about the European banking sector," he said. And then, without waiting for me to respond, he went on and on about the history of the British and Dutch banks. I tried everything. I looked away; I opened my iPad; I pretended to talk on the phone. Nothing worked. For all I know, he's still there now, yammering on about the Rothschilds. That's the problem with the counter at Our Favorite Starbucks. It's just like a seat in Economy Class ...!
It was eXtreme; It was eXcessive; It was ineXcusable. It was a Triple X morning at 7th and Montana today as an Anonymous Pervert made the scene wearing a suggestive leather jacket. "Oh, good, there you are," said Robin, rushing to my side, "I just got a photo for you. Get a load of that guy's jacket." The Pervert, a man in his mid-forties, wore a white leather jacket with an insignia on the back depicting a nearly naked woman on her hands and knees. "Gee, isn't that wholesome," I said, adding, "Correction ... make that G-String!" Kathy was quick to look-up the Italian word "Pecorina," which appeared above the illustration. "It means doggie style," she chuckled. As for me, I kept trying to think of a suitable blog headline, but was at a loss for words. Robb and Robin promised to give it some more thought on their way to church. Twenty minutes later, they texted me from the pew with Robb's suggestion: "StarbuXXX!," he said. "Love it!," I replied, "Now maybe you should focus on the sermon!" As for the Pervert, for all I know he went to church, too. Afterall, he's definitely one of those Porn Again types ...!
Cupid's Arrow struck at 7th and Montana yesterday and if you don't believe me, just ask the three teens who made the scene extra early to celebrate Valentine's Day on their way to school. One boy, pictured above, gave his sweetheart a Gargantuan Teddy Bear while their friend schlepped along behind them like a third wheel, holding a bouquet of flowers. The whole thing was 'unbearably cute' ...!
Tongues were wagging at 7th and Montana yesterday as word spread that two anonymous construction workers were 'casing the joint' with clipboards and architectural renderings. "This can only mean one thing," I said, "There's a renovation in store!" Who knows, maybe they've ordered a toaster ...!
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