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Bladders were bursting at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Newcomer known as "Dr. Leaky" left a few souvenirs in front of Our Favorite Starbucks: Three glasses and a carton filled with urine. "Eureka!," I cried, "At long last an end to the News Drought!" And the story gets better. Evidently, someone left a single glass of urine in the same spot yesterday. Stay tuned, folks, something tells me we're in for a gusher tomorrow ...!
Boy do I feel like a dumbbell. There I was at 7th and Montana this morning, tempting fate, commenting on how quiet it has been lately, when the floodgates opened. "Gee," I said, "We haven't had any loons around here for a while." And it's true. Except for the growing pile of dog feces at 7th and Georgina, it's been a pretty quiet summer. And then it happened. An Anonymous Loon headed my way screeching "Rivers of Blood, Rivers of Blood." He was a thin, young man in his mid-twenties with a crazy glint in his eye and a baseball cap on his head. He carried a dumbbell in one hand, wrapped in paper, which he used for emphasis, much like a professor with a pointer. "Only the Pure Bloods will survive," he cried, "Hells-a-poppin'!" He babbled on and on breathlessly for 20-minutes. "Maybe he gets paid by the word," I said. And then the police arrived, donned their rubber gloves and escorted him away. Whether he was on drugs or just unstable, I hope he gets some help. Meanwhile, next time I start wondering why it's been so quiet at Our Favorite Starbucks, I'll keep my mouth shut ...
Sirens were blaring near Our Favorite Starbucks this week as police finally responded to mounting evidence of a scandal at 608
Georgina. Here’s the poop: For weeks, someone has been depositing little
plastic bags filled with dog poop in a fenced-off area intended to protect a
palm tree during construction. The bags
have been piling-up, layer-upon-layer, faster than you can say Shit
Mountain. No sooner does one batch petrify, than another accumulates on top of it.
Police have been nosing around for days now trying to identify a suspect
known among locals as ‘the Poopmeister.’
Some say he’s just trying to get attention, but I think he has a loftier
goal in mind. He’s building a
Stairway to Paradise … with a new step every day!
"My owner went on a Caribbean Cruise, but all I got was this lousy life-saver." If dogs could talk, that's what this sullen Bernese Mountain Dog would have said yesterday when she made the scene at 7th and Montana looking like a refugee from the S.S. Minnow. Rumor has it she was wearing an inflatable life-saver around her neck to prevent her from licking herself after surgery, but I know the real story. She was gearing-up for a trip to the 'poop deck' at 608 Georgina ...!
My nose for news was working overtime at 7th and Montana this morning, thanks to the arrival of a mysterious stranger wearing an even more mysterious perfume. Kathy was the first to notice it, and she wasted no time trying to identify its source. "You smell sweet," she said to Robin, who was standing nearby. Sweet was an understatement. It was the floral equivalent of a caramel-coated, sugar-frosted fudge ball. "It's not me," Robin whispered, "It's him." Sure enough, the smell was emanating from a man standing at the condiments bar. It followed him out the door like a cotton candy miasma. I don't know where this guy gets his fashion advice, but someone should tell him it's time to change the Chanel ...!
It was crash, boom, bam this morning at 7th and Montana as a three car pile-up blocked traffic near Our Favorite Starbucks. The problem began when a silver Cavalier screeched through a red light and took a left on Montana, leaving a trail of chaos in its wake. Other motorists slammed on the brakes. A Prius plowed into a truck and a Lexis plowed into the Prius. Fortunately, no one was injured. The driver who caused the incident was nowhere to be found.
And that wasn't the only pile-up in town. Evidence is mounting in the local scandal known as Poop-Gate. Just who, exactly, has been leaving little bags of poop near the corner of 7th and Georgina? Stay tuned ...!
Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Newcomer made the scene wearing an outfit that gives new meaning to the term 'fashion plate.' She wore a pair of baggy pants that were festooned with plates, teapots and various bits of floating breakfast food. "Now there's some food for thought," said one witness. As for me, I admired her honesty. "Finally," I said, "Someone who really means it when she says that everything she eats goes straight to her ass ...!"
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