TRICK OR TREAT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Confusion reigned supreme at 7th and Montana this morning as a multitude of Costumed Characters made the scene ... just in time for Halloween. "Heaven help us," I said, "It's that time of year, again!" Indeed, it's hard enough on a normal day at Our Favorite Starbucks to tell who's wearing a costume and who isn't, but on Halloween, all bets are off. Moments later, the Greasiest, Scraggliest-Looking Barista I've ever seen appeared out of nowhere to take my order. "May I help you?," he asked. He was wearing a black leather jacket and skin-tight red jeans. His shirt was halfway open, exposing mounds of Chest Hair, and he had enough oil on his head to power a small nation. I paused, briefly, before working up the courage to ask, "Are you wearing a costume?" "Yes," he replied, "I'm Freddie Mercury!" Say what you will, there's something unsettling about about watching "Freddie Mercury" pour you a cup of coffee. I guess I'm just afraid of Mercury Poisoning ...!

RISQUE BUSINESS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana this morning as an Attractive Young Woman announced that she was Going Topless. "Help," she cried, cutting in front of me in line, "I've lost my top!" Naturally, I did a double-take, only to realize that she had merely flipped her lid. The top of her coffee cup had fallen on the floor and she was "desperate" to get a replacement. You'll have to forgive me for assuming she was about to do a Strip Tease, but let's face it, stranger things have happened. Does the name Boobs Mahoney ring a bell ...?

HAVE CAMERA PHONE, WILL TRAVEL ...!

It was a Duel at Forty Paces yesterday at 7th and Montana as The Notorious Newspaper Thief, known for stealing The Los Angeles Times from Our Favorite Starbucks, made the mistake of crossing my path, once again. We both entered Starbucks at the same time. He used the entrance on Montana. I took 7th Street. He looked at me. I looked at him. He snarled and reached for the Newspaper Bin. I smiled and whipped out my Camera Phone. I fired the first shot. "I have a Zoom Lens, you know!," I cried. He recoiled, backed away from the newspapers and ran out the door as fast as his spindly legs could carry him. Let this be a lesson to criminals everywhere: The Camera Phone is mightier than the Sword ...!

JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE PARKING LOT FROM HELL ...!

Anyone who has tried pulling out of the Parking Lot from Hell behind Our Favorite Starbucks knows how difficult it can be ... but imagine attempting the same maneuver with a group of Paparazzi commenting on your every move. Actress Courtney Cox found herself in just that predicament last week when, after joining real-life friends -- Screenwriter Brothers Mark and Rob -- for a cup of coffee, she became the latest in a long line of "Parking Lot Statistics" at 7th and Montana. She had trouble backing her SUV out of its space and the fact that a camera crew from TMZ was videotaping the whole thing didn't help. At one point, a photographer yelled "Can't she drive?" and her husband, David Arquette, politely explained, "She's a great driver. You don't understand how nerve-wracking it is to have cameras on you when you're trying to pull out!" Don't worry, Courtney, everyone has trouble backing out of that space. I'm just surprised that Mark and Rob didn't warn you in advance to park on 7th Street ...!

WINDOW DRESSING AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

It was curtains yesterday for an Unfortunate Fashion Victim who made the scene at 7th and Montana wearing what appeared to be her drapes. "Get a load of that," I said, as the woman made her way across 7th Street, "She's wearing her living room curtains." Indeed, her skirt -- a shimmering, ankle-length train wreck-- had so many pleats and swoops it looked like she pulled it straight off the valance. "All that's missing is a pull chord so she can turn it into a mini-skirt," said Susan, dryly. Perhaps, like a modern day Scarlett O'Hara, she was using her last remaining possession, her curtains, to save her plantation from foreclosure. Unfortunately, that look went Out with the Wind ...!

A TALE OF TWO SUNDAYS ...!

As anyone who has ever watched the classic Ginsu Knife Commercial can tell you, "In Japan, the hand can be used as a knife." But I'll bet you didn't know that at the Tokyo Narita Airport Hilton, the elevator can be used as a Guillotine. The elevator doors at this hotel open and close so quickly that, if you're not careful, you can be seriously injured. Last night alone, I saw a Flight Attendant get her luggage crushed and an elderly couple nearly topple over when the doors caught them by surprise. This morning, it was my turn. I stepped towards the Lobby Elevator seconds after the doors opened but I wasn't fast enough: They slammed shut on my face before I could jump out of the way. There is obviously no sensor to prevent the doors from closing when a guest is standing between them and no rubber padding to soften the inevitable blow. It was like being socked in the jaw. I made my way to the front desk, blood dripping from my mouth. "Your elevator doors just hit me," I said to the front desk manager, angrily, "They only opened for a few seconds and then closed on my head!" At first, he didn't understand me. "Do you see this blood?," I continued, "It's from your elevator." He stammered, but didn't say much. I took him to the scene of the incident and showed him how quickly the doors open and close, then asked him to send some antiseptic upstairs as soon as possible. While it turned out that I only had a split lip -- easily handled with a combination of ice and antiseptic -- I found myself wishing I could start the morning over. So that's exactly what I did. I got on a plane and flew back in time to a Better Sunday morning at 7th and Montana. This time, the tables were turned. Shortly after we finished the Los Angeles Times crossword puzzle, Kathy spilled a bottle of water all over the place ...!

TOURING JEJU

After a week of meetings here on Jeju Island, I decided yesterday that it was high-time to do a little exploring. So I grabbed a map, got a little advice from the concierge and jumped into a taxi. My first stop was the Seongeup Folk Village Museum, a recreation of Jeju Island life in the 17th and 18th Centuries. The Village contains more than 3,000 thatched roof cottages, all moved from their original locations throughout Korea, along with rare artifacts and cultural exhibits. Life in the early Jeju villages wasn't easy. For example, before there was indoor plumbing, the average native would construct his own "Tongsi" or "Traditional Toilet" out of Lava Rocks. After a brief stop for some "refreshment" -- a package of freeze dried Octopus Meat from a local cafe -- I continued on my journey, stopping at the Seongsan Ilchulbong or Sunrise Peak, a giant Lava Cone rising more than 182 meters above the island like a giant punch bowl on steroids. Created by an underwater volcanic eruption more than 5,000 years ago, Seongsan Ilchulbong today offers visitors a birdseye view of the island. I climbed to the top and wasn't disappointed. I ended my tour at Manjang Cave, the world's largest Lava Cave created centuries ago by the eruption of the Hallasan volcano. As the lava pushed outwards, it created a network of underground tunnels that extends for miles. My next stop: A plane to Tokyo ...!