THE CONEHEADS ARE COMING ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

The Rumor Mill was working overtime at 7th and Montana this morning as work neared completion on the whimsical new home under construction on Georgina Avenue. At first, like many others, I thought the architect was inspired by a Coffee Grinder. Now, however, it has become clear that something more sinister is at play. A glowing presence resembling a Giant, Halogen Amoeba has taken up residence in the entryway and the light emanating from its nucleus can be seen from a block away. Who would commission something like this? Here's a hint: They come from the Planet Remulak, they answer to the names Beldar and Prymaat and, if asked, they'll say "We're from France." I haven't met them yet, but something tells me their dog made the scene at Our Favorite Starbucks a few days ago ... !

MAMMA GRIZZLY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA?

Tongues were tied at 7th and Montana this morning as a Dead Ringer for Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin made the scene. I knew it wasn't Palin, but that didn't stop me from trying to make parallels, especially when it became clear that she's friendly with former Barista Robb. "What's with the Sarah Palin look-a-like?," I asked, taking Robb aside. "She's not Sarah Palin," he explained, "She's ... she's ..." "A Republican?," I interrupted. "No," Robb continued, "She's getting her Master's Degree in something ... " "Political Science, no doubt," I said, firmly. By the time she left, I had invented a whole life story for her, beginning with a dysfunctional family in Wasilla and ending with a Gubernatorial Resignation speech that gives new meaning to the term "stump speech."

NUMBER CRUNCHING ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Tongues were wagging at 7th and Montana this morning as Our Favorite Numbers Cruncher, the Accountant -- known for spreading his clients' confidential paperwork all over Starbucks -- was up to his old tricks. I watched closely as he transcribed what looked like someone's Social Security Number onto a government form. You see, I've been on the lookout for a new accountant ever since I learned from the IRS that the H&R Blockhead who prepared my taxes last year made several mistakes. At least with the Accountant pictured above, you know there are plenty of people around who can double-check his math ...!

FULL MENTAL JACKET ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Heads were turning at 7th and Montana this morning as a Local Eccentric breezed-in wearing the latest in Arctic Fashion, a bright red, knee-length down jacket. "Make way for the Polar Express," I said as she walked by, clearly unaware that it's July in Southern California. "Look," said Richard, "It's one of Santa's Helpers!" All I can say is, Santa must be pretty hard-up if she's one of his helpers. Then, again, times being what they are, who can blame him if he's traded in an Elf or two for a Nome ...?

AMAZING DISGRACE ... AT PALISADES PARK!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Flora the Flutist, a gifted musician who every evening at sunset makes her way to Palisades Park, sets herself up behind the rose garden overlooking the ocean, and treats the neighborhood to inspirational tunes ranging from Ave Maria to the Theme from Love Story. People come from miles around to hear her play and I'm no exception. In fact, I recently decided to take a page from her songbook. Several days ago, I secretly downloaded Ocarina, an application which turns your iPhone into a flute. Last night, I paid more attention than usual to Flora's concert. After she finished a particularly soulful version of Amazing Grace, a Little Old Lady with a German accent said, "That was beautiful. Can you play Blue Danube?" Flora glanced through her songbook. "I'm sorry," she said, "but I don't have the sheet music." This was my chance. I took the Little Old Lady aside, away from the "competition," and said, "Mam, I think I can play Blue Danube for you." I whipped out my iPhone, turned it on its side, activated the Ocarina application and began blowing into the microphone. The result sounded like a Funeral Dirge. "What was that?!?," asked the woman, laughing. "Amazing Disgrace," I said. And indeed it was ...!

ENGAGING NEWS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, put your hands together for Ex-Barista Quinn. She and longtime boyfriend C.J. are getting married and, while you can't see it in the photo above, she's sporting a sparkling, new engagement ring on her left hand. "He proposed last week in Hawaii," Quinn said, adding that by the time he asked the question, she knew it was coming. Speaking of engagements, Grammy-winning Reggae Artist Ziggy Marley made the scene yesterday for a one-day engagement at the 3rd Street Promenade. Kathy caught-up with him in-concert (pictured below). I ran into him a bit later at Shutters, where I was having lunch with a colleague. He was sitting at a table nearby and -- even though I mistook him for someone else -- I said "hello." "Who is that?," asked my colleague. "I know him from somewhere, but I just can't remember," I said, "I think he's one of my neighbors." Oh, well, perhaps we're neighbors in the Sarah Palin sense of the word. If she can see Russia from her doorstep, who's to say I can't see Jamaica ...?

A SPECTACULAR FOUNTAIN TOUR ... !

A funny thing happened today on this, my last morning in Rancho Bernardo. I awoke feeling Spectacular. Birds were singing, bees were humming and everywhere the gentle plink, plunk of the fountains at Rancho Bernardo Inn were calling to me. I decided to take the "highly recommended" walking tour of the fountains around the property. First up was the "Fountain of Hospitality" (pictured above). Designed by a world famous artist in Mexico City, the Fountain of Hospitality combines two antique pieces on a base that is etched with what the hotel describes as "a significant Spanish pattern." The woman at the front desk recommended that I toss a pineapple mint leaf into the fountain in the spirit of hospitality. I ate a slice of pineapple, instead.

Next up was the "Buena Vista Fountain." Buena Vista means good view in Spanish and I guess that's appropriate given that this fountain overlooks the "legendary" Rancho Bernardo Golf Course, pictured in my earlier post on Wednesday. One look and you'll say "Spectacular!"

The "Tranquility Fountain" sits beside the entrance to the 2,500 square foot Spa. Guests are encouraged to "reduce (their) stress and calm (their) minds" by tossing some lavender into this fountain. Then they're supposed to throw caution to the wind by booking a "cup of calm" including a 50-minute, made-to-order massage, a 50-minute made-to-order facial, a 50-minute Spa Pedicure and a Warm, Spicy Cocoa and Chocolate Trio for $295.

Next up was the "Fountain of Reflection," which, I'm told, "exhibits a considerable Arabic influence in its restrained quantity of water." Indeed, a gentle trickle flows continuously down a natural stone pedestal and into a Romanesque bowl below. Guests are supposed to stand in front of this fountain and chant the following mantra: "May good befall all, May there be peace for all, May all be fit for perfection, May all experience that which is auspicious." I think the folks from the local Starbucks take a nip from this fountain every now and then when no one is looking.

The "Dreams of Eternity" fountain sits on the hotel's Valencia Lawn, conveniently near a room used for wedding ceremonies. Couples are supposed to "toss in rose petals to wish themselves a lifetime of love and many happy returns to Rancho Bernardo Inn to celebrate their anniversaries." I guess if they end up getting divorced they can always dive head first into the fountain's spacious stone basin.

The "Rancho Wishing Well" was the first fountain on the property and was placed there in 1965 by owner James Colachis who was looking for a simple way to enhance the resort's main covered walkway. In the Roman tradition, guests are supposed to toss a coin over their left shoulder and make a wish to return to Rancho Bernardo Inn.

The "Santiago Lawn Fountain" is tucked away in a quiet corner of the resort. It's perhaps the most simple of the fountains at Rancho Bernardo Inn, consisting mainly of an octagonal base and a bowl, designed in what the hotel calls a Moorish style. I must admit, by this point in the tour I was starting to think the style was more Bore-ish than anything else. Yawn ...!

The "Alhambra Fountain" (pictured above) was purchased by the hotel owner -- the same James Colachis mentioned above -- mainly because it includes an antique lead box bearing his initials. It's a good thing his initials weren't S.O.B.

"La Fontana di Santiago" is, in my opinion, the most dramatic of the fountains at Rancho Bernardo. It was imported from Vicenza, Italy, and includes "heroic-sized" figures of a god and goddess taming a lion. Water shoots from the lion's mouth in a controlled stream down a mosaic chute into a stone clam shell below.

The "Fountain of Rejuvenation" -- as I wrote on Wednesday -- stood right outside my hotel room. It was created by a master carver in Guadalajara and, according to the hotel, it "adds a refreshing feature to the sunny ambiance of the Santiago Pool." Quite frankly, the water pressure in my room was so bad this morning I was tempted to use it as a shower.Last but not least, the "Granada Fountain" is the focal point of an elegantly manicured garden just outside the main lobby of the hotel. It is an antique from Mexico, featuring a 12-sided base with alternating carvings of suns and angels. Guests are supposed to walk around the fountain until they find the plaque with their birth month on it. If your birth month falls on an angel, you can expect a year of tranquility. If it falls on a sun, you'll get a year of prosperity. I walked around and around the base, but I wasn't looking for my birth month. I wanted to hide myself from view as I set aside the little package of coins, lavender and pebbles that the hotel gave me to toss into the various fountains on the tour and produced a little surprise of my own. I pulled out a package of Folger's Crystals -- pilfered from the self-serve coffee bar in my room -- and tossed a small handful into the bubbling waters. The people of Rancho Bernardo need a Spectacular Dose of Caffeine, if you ask me ...!