UPDATE: NEW ASSISTANT MANAGEMENT ... AT 7th AND MONTANA

Excitement was brewing at 7th and Montana this morning as a new Assistant Manager, Leslie, made the scene. One look at her and I knew she took her job seriously. She carried a clipboard, took copious notes and appeared to be going through reams of paperwork with multi-colored highlighters. The only question in my mind was: "Do we tell her now ... or do we wait?" Is it fair to warn her about Rigolatte (the man who locks himself in the bathroom and belts out Opera tunes), or Captain Underpants (the man who performs Yoga moves on the floor while wearing underpants on his head), or the Notorious Newspaper Thief (whose sticky fingers have waved goodbye to so many of her predecessors)? "Let's rough her up a bit," said Kovar, watching her take inventory. "What do you want me to do, vomit on the floor?" I asked. "No," Kovar laughed, "Just get a photo of her counting the mugs."

MR. BONEHEAD RIDES AGAIN ... AT 6TH AND IDAHO

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Mr. Bonehead, the Sunday Driver who almost "took me out" this afternoon as I walked from Our Favorite Starbucks to the Third Street Promenade. The fun began when I was crossing Idaho, just one block South of Montana. I was midway through the intersection of Idaho and 6th when the Bonehead (pictured above) came barrelling out of nowhere driving a Bright Yellow Chrysler and very nearly hit me. He made an illegal U-Turn on 6th, grabbed one of the few available parking spaces and jumped out of his car, oblivious to the fact that he had almost hit me. I glared at him and pulled out my Spycam. He turned to face me. "It's for the Internet," I said, "I'm writing-up a special profile on Bonehead Drivers ...!"

HITLER OR MISS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

The crowd at 7th and Montana was agog this morning as Bicyclist Greg lapsed into what I can only call a very peculiar brand of Reich Wing Politics. "Hitler," he began, "wasn't necessarily as evil as everyone thinks." To be fair, he wasn't sharing his own views, but rather those of an elderly woman he knows in Bavaria ... a woman whose brain, no doubt, consists of 98 percent Bavarian Creme. "Really?!?," I chimed-in, "Hitler wasn't so bad?!? Who else do you like ... Nixon?!? Gotta love that Watergate!! And how about Attila the Hun ... Salt of the Earth, eh?" Greg seemed unphased. "The theory is," he continued, "that Hitler was really just a charismatic figurehead ... others around him like Goebbels were the real masterminds. Some people say Hitler did good things ... like establishing the Hitler Youth League." I waited, briefly, for a punchline that never came. Genevieve pointed out that members of the Hitler Youth League were all given puppies, told to raise them as their own, and then strangle them after six months as a lesson in how to follow orders. "Right," I said, "and I hear the Youth League was built on the success of Toddlers for Hitler, where they trained babies how to pull the wings off flies." Greg wisely changed the subject but then -- just as he was leaving -- he said, "Deutche Holter Jugend Uber Alles!" Don't ask me to translate, but I think it means, "Three cheers for Ivan the Terrible ...!"

CRYING UNCLE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

A Star was Born this morning at 8:51 a.m. Ladies and Gentlemen, meet my new niece Leah Grace who came into the world happy and healthy and weighing-in at 5 pounds, 10 ounces. Even with the three-hour time difference between California and Massachusetts, I was getting up-to-the-minute reports on Leah's birth. How? My brother-in-law, Doug, was Twittering the whole experience from the moment he and my sister, Karen, entered the hospital to the moment Leah was born. The real activity began about 12 hours ago when Doug Tweeted, "Still waiting for a delivery room to open up. Apparently a big morning for having a baby." From then on, the updates came at increasingly rapid intervals ... almost like contractions. "Showtime!", he Tweeted, followed by "Med Staff has been great so far. We should all go out for Tequila, after!" and "Here we go ... next Tweet Leah will be here!" Minutes later, her photo was on Facebook. Isnt' she beautiful? Congratulations to my sister, Karen, Brother-in-Law Doug and Nephew Jackson ... and welcome to the world, Leah. As for the rest of the family, we're all a-Twitter!

AMERICAN ROYALTY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Trumpets were blaring and peasants lined the streets this morning at 7th and Montana as True Royalty arrived in our midst. Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the Digital Duchess, an attractive young Blue Blood with a flair for Understated Elegance. She pulled up to Our Favorite Starbucks today driving a hot pink Mini Cooper with a glowing "Digital Duchess" logo on the side. As near as I can tell, Digital Duchess is "the first all-women's computer consulting company," offering services ranging from networking and repairs to security and back-up. Their motto is "too Chic to be Geek!" According to the company website, the Duchess focuses on "bringing your computers into the now of computer technology." Rumor has it her prices are reasonable, but I wonder if she collects Royalties ...!

LEAPIN' LEPRECHAUNS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Blarney filled the air at 7th and Montana this morning as a Mysterious Visitor from the Emerald Isle made the scene ... and let's just say he was one Cork short of a County. I first heard about him from Screenwriter Nat. "Hey, Marty, have you met the interesting new character sitting around the corner?" asked Nat, smiling, "He's really something." "Howso?," I asked, wondering whether or not to break out the Spycam. "Well, it's hard to get a word in edgewise with him, but within five minutes he had told me that he's never had sex in his life," Nat said. "I'm on it," I replied, springing into action. It was a long way to his table -- not unlike a trip to Tipperary -- but it was well worth the effort. "How dee do?," he asked, the moment I arrived. He looked like a cross between Yoda and a Retired Leprechaun and sounded like a Spokesman for Lucky Charms (the frosted oat cereal with the sweet surprises). "First of all, let me offer you a Sincere Apology," he began, "Can you ever forgive me for interrupting your conversation with two such Beautiful, Young Women?" I had no idea what he was talking about. "Such Gorgeous, Young Specimens," he continued, "Nice, Firm Bodies ..." I quickly cut him off. "I don't recall speaking with any Beautiful Young Women this morning," I replied, "I must be having another one of my Lapses." He changed the subject. "You're an Actor, aren't you!," he said. "No," I replied, "You must have me confused with someone else." "I'm sure I recognize you," he said, "I've seen you in something." "Alright," I humored him, "You got me ... I'm an Actor. I play the part of a Corporate Stiff!" Sometimes, I guess, you just have to go with the flow ...

IDIOTS PUBLICLY ORGANIZING (IPO) ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Tongues were wagging at 7th and Montana this morning as a mysterious group of Chinese Investors gathered in front of Our Favorite Starbucks to discuss their Confidential Business Dealings in public. Their presentation -- which was conveniently pointed in my direction -- focused mainly on a high-stakes deal they are about to close. "We must discuss our Due Process," said the woman pictured above, sternly, calling attention to the exit strategy on page 31. Some witnesses think they were finalizing an IPO, but I suspect something far more sinister is at play. The U.S. trade surplus with China is currently at $1.4 Trillion and growing. According to a recent report in the Atlantic, it's as if every man, woman and child in the United States has borrowed $4,000 each from China over the last decade. Something tells me these folks are planning a Hostile Takeover ...!

CHEWING THE FAT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Cheers erupted at 7th and Montana this morning as word spread that Starbucks is "upgrading" its pastry selection. "You'll be happy to know that your favorite Starbucks foods not only taste better, they are better," says the Starbucks website. Signs posted prominently on the Pastry Case proudly advertise: "No artificial flavors. No artificial trans fats. No artificial dyes. No high-fructose corn syrup." Their new slogan is "Real Food. Simply Delicious." In other words, Starbucks is on a health kick, right? Wrong! Take a close look behind the fancy, handwritten script on the display case and you'll find the same, old selection of Fritters and Doughnuts. As an experiment, I traced the doughnuts back to their source -- Top Pot of Seattle -- and here's what I found: A single Glazed Old-Fashioned Doughnut like the ones pictured above contains nearly 9 grams of saturated fat (the kind that the American Heart Association calls "the main dietary cause of high blood cholesterol"), 20 milligrams of cholesterol and a negligible amount of dietary fiber. And while Starbucks' advertising is correct, there's no high-fructose corn syrup, 38 grams of processed sugar is no picnic ... except maybe for ants. Don't get me wrong, I like a doughnut every now and then as much as the next guy. But this new effort by Starbucks to imply that their baked goods are now "better" for you strikes me as being ... well ... half-baked!

DOING HIS DUTY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

In financial news this morning, experts at 7th and Montana pointed to intriguing new evidence that the local economy is finally on the upswing. Salvation, they say, has arrived in the form of the Doody Mobile, a new Dog Waste Removal Service (DWRS) that has been making the rounds at 7th and Montana all weekend. "The evidence is everywhere," said one insider, "Consumers are once again flush with cash!" Here's the Poop: For a small fee, Neil Ward, who calls himself the Doody Dude, and his team of dutiful employees, will arrive at your home -- scoops a-blazin' -- and eliminate any unwanted dog waste. "We make life easier by coming to your yard, cleaning up all the waste and taking it away," says the Official Doody Dude website. "You simply pay a convenient monthly invoice!" To schedule a site visit, or learn more about the full range of Doody Dude services, just call 1-866-888-POOP. I, for one, hope the Doody Dude cleans up ...!

MR. TUFTS GUY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was hair today, gone tomorrow at 7th and Montana for an Unfortunate Fashion Victim who made the scene yesterday sporting the strangest Mohawk I've ever seen. His entire head had been shaved with the exception of a small tuft of hair above his forehead. "Who did that to him?," I wondered as he walked by, "Barbar the Barbarian?!?" On the other hand, appearances can be deceiving. For all I know, he was the class Valedictorian ... at Tufts!

LUNG CAPACITY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Heads -- and stomachs -- were turning at 7th and Montana this morning as details emerged regarding Richard's latest effort to train Charlie the Irascible Sheepdog. First, some background: Charlie (pictured below) is a great dog with a small problem: Certain dogs and people make him Barking Mad. Richard has tried everything. An endless parade of Dog Whisperers, Personal Coaches, weeks on end at Doggie Boot Camp ... you name it, Richard has tried it. That's why folks are so surprised that Richard's latest effort, a technique he calls "Treat Therapy," seems to be working. For the past two months, every time another dog walks by, Richard plies Charlie with treats. The treats -- small brown chunks that look suspiciously like excrement -- distract Charlie and provide him with positive reinforcement. I finally worked up the courage today to ask what they're made of. "Freeze Dried Lamb's Lung," said Richard. I took a deep breath, recalling the number of times I've personally handled the morsels, and tried not to look at the stack sitting in front of me on the table. "Really?!?," I replied. "Oh yes," said Richard, "Charlie just loves them. And they're good for him, too." Indeed, research suggests that a single lobe is comprised of 50 percent protein, is highly digestible and low in magnesium. However, if you ask me, at $16 a pound, which is the bulk rate on the Internet, Richard is getting fleeced ...!

HANEouS FASHION FAUX PAS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Forget what the Fashionistas tell you, folks, the Underpants-on-the-Head look is alive and well at 7th and Montana. Just ask Wanda Wedgie, the Striking Young Woman who made the scene this morning wearing skin-tight lycra shorts, a bra and -- to top it all off -- a pair of panties tied around her head. The Underpants-on-the-Head phenomenon was first popularized last August when a Local Loon known as Captain Underpants performed a series of Yoga Squats, stood on his head and devoured several bran muffins ... all while wearing a pair of Bright, Blue Underpants on his head. It didn't take long for the trend to catch on. By November, Captain Underpants had found his very own Underling -- a willing apprentice who made the scene wearing a T-Shirt on his head. When exactly will this fashion trend end? I would have asked Wanda, but was afraid she'd get her Panties in a Bunch ...!

GARBAGE IN, GARBAGE OUT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was Garbage In, Garbage Out this morning at 7th and Montana as a City Sanitation Worker made the scene, intent on cleaning out the gutter in front of Our Favorite Starbucks. The crowd cheered the man on every step of the way: First, when he opened the manhole cover and then when he pulled out scoop after scoop of Steaming, Putrid Gunk. Screenwriter Mark and I provided color commentary.

Me: Now that has to be one of the world's worst jobs ... God only knows what's buried around here.

Mark: Yeah, definitely not a good job. I'll bet on his first day he finds something amazing like a Rolex Watch, then spends the rest of his career hoping for another treasure. Look, is that a Raccoon?!?

Me: Maybe it's Jimmy Hoffa.

Mark: I think I see a hand sticking out of there ...

Me: Look ... he's heading back to his truck to make a phone call. Maybe he's calling for reinforcements.

Mark: No, I think he just called his boss to resign ...!

A SURREY WITH A LUNATIC FRINGE ON TOP ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Hold your horsepower, folks, you won't believe what rolled-in to 7th and Montana on Sunday: A Happy-go-Lucky Family made the scene peddling a contraption that resembled a cross between a bicycle and a go-cart. "Look," said Kathy, "It's a genuine Surrey with the Fringe on Top!" "It's not a Surrey," interrupted a Mysterious Newcomer at the next table, "It's a Tuk Tuk: A vehicle that is commonly found in Thailand, used by natives as a form of public transport." I looked at him like he had three heads. "Furthermore," he continued, "they come in different varieties. In Bangkok, for example, one might find many motorized Tuk Tuks ..." He went on, but by that point the Surrey with the Fringe on Top was long gone and I was focused on a New Discovery: The spirit of Cliff Clavin -- the Know-it-all-Postman from Cheers -- is alive and well at 7th and Montana ...!

WATCH OUT FOR EVIL ELVES ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Christmas came early at 7th and Montana this morning as Hanna -- no longer known as Pajama Girl -- regaled the crowd with new tales from the advertising trenches. You see, she's been working as a sound technician on a series of Holiday Commercials and -- evidently -- it's not for the faint of heart. "I was attacked by seven elves," she said, dryly. In the elves' defense, they were all wired ... for sound, that is!

LOCKDOWN ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a Lockdown at 7th and Montana this morning as a Delightful Young Urchin made the scene in a cage. "Let me out, Let me out!," the toddler seemed to cry, as her mother pushed her up and down Montana Avenue in a stroller that resembled something out of Cell Block H. Rumor has it the mother -- a harried woman in her mid-thirties -- commutes to work in a Paddywagon. Meanwhile, speaking of Lockdowns, Screenwriter Nat and his wife, Robin, inadvertently locked themselves out of their house this morning. Were it not for Ex-Barista Robb, who managed to get their son on the phone where others failed, the two might still be standing in front of Our Favorite Starbucks ...!

WHODUNIT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a Whodunit Mystery worthy of Inspector Clouseau this morning at 7th and Montana as I stumbled across a series of random items -- a large pair of brown leather shoes, a walking stick and a pair of spectacles -- on an otherwise empty table outside Our Favorite Starbucks. I immediately suspected foul play. "Don't touch anything," I said, with authority, "Not until we've dusted for fingerprints." I went inside to gather evidence. Something had happened at 7th and Montana this morning ... Something so sinister it made the occupants of that table leave in a hurry, and I was willing to lay odds the culprit was still on the scene.

Was it the Bette Davis look-a-like who was sitting at the counter? Could she possibly have scared one or more persons away ... and, if so, why? I looked her up and down carefully. She had a certain "fasten-your-seatbelt, it's-going-to-be-a-bumpy-night" look, alright, but appearances can be deceiving. She was as innocent as Baby Jane.

Then there was Mr. Knit One Perl Two, a disgruntled-looking man in his mid-twenties who was sitting by the window -- not far from the abandoned table -- knitting what looked like a pair of Purple Baby Booties. Perhaps, I thought, he had chased someone off with a knitting needle. But no ... he was obviously the type to stick to his knitting.

That left just one suspect: Barnacle Bess, the Local Gadfly known for latching onto tables full of complete strangers and trapping them in lengthy, circular discussions from which there is No Escape. Indeed, not only was Bess on the scene, but she was heading in my direction. I would have 'brought her in for questioning,' but I had the sudden compulsion to leave as fast as my legs would carry me ...!

BUS-TED ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Cheers erupted at 7th and Montana this morning as word spread that two of our very own -- Bob TeSelle and Liz Greenberger -- have been immortalized as Community Heroes for their volunteer work providing technology training to first-generation college-bound students. Not only was their popular Tech4Success program at the Santa Monica High School honored by the City's Human Relations Council, but their pictures are running on the sides of buses all over town. "That's better than having your photo in the Post Office," said Joyce. "It beats being on the side of a Milk Carton," said Howard. "I guess it's better to be on the side of a bus, than to be hit by a bus!," said Bob.

MEET THE DRIBBLER ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the Dribbler, a Neighborhood Newcomer with a most annoying habit. Every morning at 7:30, he walks up and down the length of 7th Street bouncing a basketball, leaving a perpetual 'boing, boing, boing' in his wake. The sound has a tendency to echo off nearby homes and worm its way into your consciousness like some kind of audible Chinese Water Torture. "That's it," I said as he walked by Starbucks this morning, "I've had it ... This Kobe Tyrant must be stopped!" I followed him to his lair which, not surprisingly, turned out to be Goose Egg Park and watched from a safe distance as he hid his basketball in a tree. Then, like so many before him, he assumed the posture of a Ninja Master and began practicing a series of Goofball Maneuvers. Mark my words, one of these days when he least expects it, that Basketball is going to disappear ...!

ANOTHER DUI ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a case of DUI -- Driving Underage Infants -- at 7th and Montana this morning as a Delightful Young Urchin drove a Fancy Plastic Sportscar into Our Favorite Starbucks, zipped right up to the counter and ordered a croissant. "Croissant," she squealed, pointing at the Pastry Case. Her Grandfather seemed only too happy to oblige. "Don't you worry," he said, "I'll get you a croissant. Do you want anything else, honey?" The baby's mother chimed-in, asking for a coffee. "No problem," said the Grandfather proudly, "I'm paying for everyone! I insist!" That was my cue. "Marvelous," I said loudly, "I'm a man of simple tastes ... I'll just have a Grande Half Caff and the Los Angeles Times, if you don't mind." The Grandfather laughed and -- believe it or not -- seemed ready to pay for my order but I refused. Afterall, Fancy Plastic Sportscars don't come cheap these days ...!

HYPOXI, ANYONE? ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a Banner Day at 7th and Montana today. Actually, it's been a Banner Week. For several days now, the rumor mill has been buzzing at the appearance of a mysterious banner across from Our Favorite Starbucks announcing the "Grand Opening" of Hypoxi. "What's Hypoxi?," asked one onlooker, "Some kind of superglue?" The banner, while somewhat enigmatic, offered a hint. "Design Your Body," it says in small type beneath a prominent Hypoxi logo. I did some digging around and it didn't take long to find out what all the fuss is about. Hypoxi is a Salzburg-based company that offers "targeted body shaping" through a series of patented treatments involving enough high-tech equipment to make the cast of Grey's Anatomy green with envy. My personal favorite is the Vacunaut -- a contraption resembling a cross between an upright vacuum cleaner and a gas pump -- which utilizes compression and vacuum therapy to suction away fat from the abdominal and hip region. "Beauty-conscious Hollywood stars will soon have a new top location in Santa Monica," says the Official Hypoxi Website. In other words, stay tuned, folks. We're in for a barrage of Chunky Celebrities ...!

BIRTHDAY WISHES ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a Celebration -- 7th and Montana style -- at Our Favorite Starbucks this morning as word spread that today is Barista Sammy's 21st Birthday. "You're legal, the Big 21, Congratulations!," I said, as Sammy (pictured above) beamed behind the Espresso Bar. Like any 21-year-old, she was eager to "tie one on" ... that is, if you count the Snappy Bow Tie she wore with her Starbucks Uniform. And Sammy wasn't the only one celebrating. Screenwriter Nat, also a Leo, celebrated his birthday several days ago. The combined festivities were enough to coax Rigolatte, the local crackpot with a song in his heart, out of the bathroom -- where he has been busy belting out Opera Tunes -- and into the limelight for the first time in a week. In fact, the Songbird (pictured below) has even added something new to his repertoire. He walked right up to the Pastry Counter and began giggling at unpredictable intervals in a voice that sounded remarkably like Dracula's sidekick, Renfield ...!

A VORACIOUS READER ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA

Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Bookworm made the scene with the most unlikely reading material. The Bookworm, obviously no lightweight, had propped a large volume on health and fitness entitled The World's Greatest Treasury of Health Secrets, on what was perhaps one of the biggest Beer Bellies I've ever seen. "At least he has a built-in bookshelf," said Neighbor Richard, dryly. I say, good for him for reading-up on healthy lifestyles ... but is it really necessary to spend $39.95 on a book designed to teach you "how to listen to what your body is telling you?" Isn't it obvious, for example, that his body was practically screaming, "Put the book down, eat less and get moving!" Then, again, maybe I shouldn't judge a book by its cover ...!

A LOT OF DOUGH FOR A LOUSY BAGEL ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was Many Happy Returns at 7th and Montana this morning as Howard and Cathy made the scene, fresh from their Summer digs in Colorado. The only problem is, they inadvertently left Howard's essential supply of Cinnamon Raisin Bagels -- the ones he famously buys in bulk from the Nosh in Beverly Hills and ships wherever he goes -- behind. "What's that?!?," I asked in horror, gesturing at a circular glob of dough in Howard's hand. "I'm improvising," he said. Slumming was more like it. He bought what passes for a bagel at Starbucks, where -- it should be noted -- nutritional experts have been hard at work upgrading the entire selection of baked goods. "We've taken out artificial ingredients to make room for more real goodness," says the Starbucks website. "Ptooey," said Cathy, "It tastes just like plaster!" I could tell her French Blood was boiling. Afterall, everyone knows she prefers Plaster of Paris ...!

G.I. JANE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

G.I. Joe may be marching into theaters today, but it's G.I. Jane who reigns supreme at 7th and Montana. The colorful character, known for her military-style crewcut, an abundance of tattoos and plenty of attitude, made the scene at Our Favorite Starbucks recently and let's just say she's not in line to win any congeniality awards. On the other hand, something tells me she's more of a crowd pleaser than Paramount's $175 million film. Despite the fact that the studio went to great lengths to keep reviewers away from G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra, the initial reports are just in. "(It) plays like a long slog in the big muddy," says Richard Corliss of Time. "It's possible that never before in the annals of cinema has so much destruction been depicted on screen to so little purpose, unless you count brain or ear damage," says Peter Howell of The Toronto Star. Who knows, Jane, this might be your Big Break. With reviews like this, Hasbro just might be looking for a new Action Figure in the near future ...!

SUNSETS AND SOUNDTRACKS ... AT PALISADES PARK!

It was another picture perfect sunset at Palisades Park last night, the kind of evening that makes you feel grateful to be living in Southern California. The sky was aglow, palm trees were swaying in a cool ocean breeze and people, everywhere, were out in full force communing with nature. It was like a Hollywood production, complete with its own soundtrack. Someone appeared to be farting to the tune of When the Saints Go Marching In. I went to investigate and, sure enough, the Rogue Trombonist -- a novice musician known for practicing outdoors -- was at it, again ...!

HATS OFF ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was Hats Off at 7th and Montana this morning as The Strawman -- the local fashionista known for covering his entire head from the shoulders up with a Gargantuan Straw Hat -- did the unthinkable. He exposed his head to the elements for the first time since February and, in doing so, put to rest an Ugly Rumor. "I guess that settles it," I said, dejectedly, "He couldn't possibly be Luke Skywalker's Father." It didn't take long to learn that the hat serves a vital function: It muffles his cell phone conversations. I wonder whether it's available in bulk ...!

A MODEST PROPOSAL ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Shock waves rippled across 7th and Montana this morning as Dr. Livingstone, the local Goofball known for his taste in Safari Headgear of all kinds, began dispensing Doggie Biscuits and Free Advice at random. While he seemed to have trouble finding any takers for his Doggie Treats, even among the Canine Community, he found a willing audience for his advice in Screenwriter Nat. "I'm telling you," he began, looking Nat squarely in the eye, "I know exactly what we need to do about the Homeless Situation. Lock them all up in cages and host weekly Adoption Days, just like we do for stray dogs. It's a crying shame that we go to all these lengths to get people to adopt homeless dogs, when our streets are lined with homeless people!" He paused momentarily, long enough to offer Nat's dog, Einstein, a treat, before continuing. "I say, clean all the bums up, put them in cages and get them placed in good homes ...!" Nat humored the gentleman, which is more than I can say for Einstein. The Lovable Bichone Frise gave the Doggie Biscuit a critical sniff and sidled away as far as his leash would carry him ...!

PENNIES FROM HEAVEN ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Mommy Warbucks, a German Tourist who made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning with a chip on her shoulder the size of a C-Note. "I just want a cup of coffee," she said, sliding a $100 bill towards Barista Kenisha. "I'm sorry, mam, but do you have anything smaller?," said Kenisha, "We don't have enough change unless you want a lot of five dollar bills." Warbucks sputtered in reply, her voice vaguely reminiscent of Scrooge McDuck. "I walked ten blocks to get here ... and you say you don't have change?!?," she wailed. "Well," explained Kenisha, "We don't have access to anything larger than five and ten dollar bills ... the rest is all locked up." I tried to diffuse the situation. "Well, I guess they don't call it Starbucks for nothing," I said, chuckling, "Your wallet will be brimming with bucks!" This sent Warbucks on the Warpath. She leaned over the counter, peered into the cash register and muttered, "I can see an entire stack of $20's right there ... and you tell me you only have small bills?!?" I don't know what they gave her in the end, but let's hope they slipped her a decaff ...!

RED EYES ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a case of mistaken identity at 7th and Montana this morning as Newbie Barista Esther confused me with someone else. "Hello," she said, "You have a Red Eye, right?" "What?," I asked, taken aback, "Are my eyes bloodshot?" Veronica quickly came to my rescue. "He's not a Red Eye," she explained, pouring my coffee, "He's just a Drip." A Red Eye is apparently a combination of espresso and drip coffee which, if you ask me, is like ordering ice cream a la mode. "Sorry," said Esther, "You look just like someone who orders a Red Eye!" I would have complained, but it could always be worse. One of the Baldwin Brothers made the scene ... but no one could figure out which one he was ...!

HEAVY METAL ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was "curses, foiled again!" at 7th and Montana this morning for yet another customer from the hair salon across the street who thought she could slip in and out of Our Favorite Starbucks unnoticed, even though she was clearly a "work in progress." Indeed, her head was covered in so much aluminum I thought she might be receiving signals from Outer Space. I quickly snapped her photo, then smiled as she turned around to face me. No doubt she was getting ready for a big night on the town ... Tinseltown, that is!