HERpE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Pass the Purell, folks, the Sleezemeister is back in town and he’s on the prowl at Our Favorite Starbucks.  In case you haven’t heard, the Sleezemeister – a haggard-looking man in his early 50’s – leads a double life.  He has a wife and kids stashed away somewhere back East, but rents a “Secret Love Nest” on San Vicente where he hides out for a few days each month with a bevy of prostitutes.  Neighbors report that he arrives at odd hours, orders-up a nonstop parade of hookers wearing nothing but ripped-up fishnet stockings and romps the night away ... so loudly it shakes the rafters.  “Trust me,” said one resident, “The guy’s a Walking Herpe.”  Rumor has it he’s tried ‘charming’ some of the women who live in the building, but they’re mostly focused on other things.  Like spraying the building with Lysol the minute he leaves …!

LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE WALKING ... TO BEVERLY HILLS

You've got to hand it to the folks at the Fancy Schmancy Cafe across from Our Favorite Starbucks, their business is booming.  "We're expanding!," one of the owners gushed, "We're opening a new location in Beverly Hills."  What makes them such a success?  Maybe it's their hands-on management policy.  Management has been spotted dropping bagels on the floor and quickly shoving them back in the display case when they think no one is looking.  Still, locals were thrilled to hear about their new location in Beverly Hills.  "That'll be handy," said Genevieve.  As for me, I'll keep my distance.  I've never been one for finger food ...! 

BRIEFLY EXPOSED ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was Bottoms Up at 7th and Montana this morning as an Attractive Young Woman exposed the crowd to her flowered undies.  At first I thought she had inadvertently tucked the back of her white miniskirt into her underwear, but then I realized they weren't undies at all.  "Look!," the woman announced loudly, lifting up her skirt and ripping off her top, "I'm wearing a bikini ... isn't that appropriate since we're so close to the beach?"  Who knows, maybe tomorrow she'll bring a group of friends and treat us all to a 21-bun salute ... ! 

AN iWITNESS ACCOUNT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was All’s Well that End’s well in the case of the missing iPad this morning as an Anonymous Local returned the iPad to 7th and Montana.  But while the owner got his iPad back, the person who returned it seems to have gotten an earful … from local police.  As near as I can tell, moments after the Local told the Baristas that he was returning a lost iPad, several police officers descended on him asking questions.  Everyone was smiling – the police at the local and vice versa – but I couldn’t help noticing that the officers escorted the local to one of their cars, loaded his bike into the trunk and took off.  Did they throw the book at him?  I think not.  Under the circumstances, it was probably a Kindle …

iStand Corrected ...

Cooler heads prevailed at 7th and Montana this morning ... and I'm not just saying that because the sub-70 temperatures made it feel like Ice Station Zebra.  It appears I was wrong about yesterday's iPad theft.  An iPad really was "stolen" yesterday and it's become the hottest item in town.  You see, the owner evidently had "Find My iPad" -- a GPS-enabled feature that lets you locate your iPad remotely and lock or erase it -- switched on.  Hours after the theft occurred, a Neighborly Samaritan saw a woman who turned out to be the victim's wife walking on San Vicente, trying to activate the "Find My iPad" service.  He helped her and, together, they were able to pinpoint not only the building where the iPad was, but the exact apartment it was in.  They called the police and the Samaritan quietly stationed himself outside the window of the thief's apartment.  The police stormed the building, knocking on every apartment door ... and that's when the Thief got scared.  He turned off the TV -- which had been running at full blast -- and tried to pretend that he wasn't home, even though the Samaritan had been standing right outside his window and knew he was inside.  The police pounded on the door for 45-minutes before giving up.  So, to recap:  A resident of an apartment building on San Vicente still has the missing iPad.  Sounds to me like the jig is up.  If I were the "thief," I'd contact the owner, explain that I had inadvertently "found" the missing iPad and just wanted to return it to its rightful owner.  That way, all's well that ends well ...

iCAME, iSAW, iPAD ...AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was Loon Central at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Newcomer walked in madcap circles around my table barking into his cell phone for about ten minutes.  "Trust me," I muttered, "No one's on the other end of his conversation."  But it turns out I was wrong.  He called the police.  Moments later, two squad cars and a motorcycle cop made the scene.  "It was flat," he explained, "It had a black leather case.  It was sitting on a table inside, and now it's gone."  Evidently, he was missing an iPad ... but judging from the officers' reactions, my guess is they thought he might be missing something else.  The man continued walking around in circles for about an hour before heading off.  Who knows, at the rate he's going maybe the poor guy will end up in an iPadded cell ...

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE ...

I made it home from Portugal safe and sound … but what happened to Our Favorite Starbucks in my absence?  It's practically gone up in smoke.  Yesterday, it seemed like half the customers were sitting around blowing smoke into the crowd.  Even "Mr. Timeout," the oddball who normally boxes himself into a corner behind the parking lot to discretely hide his cigarettes, was puffing-up a storm.  It was almost like being in Portugal, where I guess smoking has been the answer to a deteriorating economy.  Is it my imagination, or have more people -- especially teens like the one pictured above (behind Gordo the Wonder Dog) -- started smoking again ...?