Monday, May 26, 2014


Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the Hatless Wonder, an anonymous member of the Table Hog clan who spent much of his weekend wondering where his hat was.  He came by my table on Saturday, munching a banana, and looking like a lost soul.  "Has anyone seen my hat?, he asked.  There was something desperate in his tone, almost as if his hat had been in cahoots with his frontal lobe and, together, they'd flown the coop.  "Finally," I thought, "A chance to win back at least one of the chairs he and his friends were hogging.  "I saw it ... It went that-a-way!," I cried, pointing towards Peets.  But he saw right through me and so did his friends.  Hat's off to them, I guess ...  

Tuesday, May 20, 2014


Day 23 of the growing scandal known as Topiary-Gate has brought with it an interesting new twist.  The topiaries, long abandoned on the sidewalk near 7th and Alta, have been thrown into the street and in their place is a Teepee of Schmutz.  Evidently, the new owners of the fake Italian Villa have moved their dead plants onto the street in order to make way for a pile of broken plastic toys and branches.  Where do these people come from, anyway, Upper Slob-ovia ...?!?

Friday, May 9, 2014


It's Day 12 and there's no relief in sight in the local scandal insiders are calling Topiary-gate.  It seems like just yesterday that newcomers moved into the Fake Italian Villa near the corner of 7th and Alta.  At first I thought, "Great, new neighbors, perhaps they'll put down some roots."  But no.  These people did the reverse.  Shortly after their arrival, they uprooted a pair of decorative topiaries that once flanked their front door and tossed them onto the sidewalk for all of us to enjoy.  12 days later, the dead husks remain.  I say we stage a protest.  Let's take all the dead plants and uprooted weeds in a five block radius, throw them into a giant welcome wagon and wheel the whole mess into their front yard ...!