Friday, October 24, 2014


Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the Sugar Mama, a local loon without equal at 7th and Montana.  Actually, she has lots of Equal … and that’s just the problem.  Every morning, she makes a beeline for the artificial sweetener and Equal is her brand of choice.  She doesn’t just put it in her coffee.  She stuffs packets of it – one after another – into her mouth and eats them whole, wrapper and all.  Sometimes she’ll down more than seven packets in a single sitting.  “You’ve got to admire her technique,” I said, “She somehow manages to chomp all that paper – together with the artificial sweetener -- without making a single sound.”  Here’s how she does it:  She folds the packets into tiny squares, then quickly pops them into her mouth and nibbles like crazy.  “That’s one way to get your fiber,” said Joyce.  Some say she puts the sugar in meshugenah, but I say to each their own.  If she wants to make an aspartame of herself, that’s her business …!

Thursday, October 9, 2014


Watch your step, folks, there’s a new loon in town.  Meet the Admiral, a man who can’t resist screaming “Old Navy” for no apparent reason at five-minute intervals.  I first noticed him yesterday, standing at the doorway of Our Favorite Starbucks.  “Old Navy?,” he asked me.  “Gap,” I replied, brushing passed him.  Banana Republic might have been more appropriate.  Twenty minutes later, he flew into a rage.  “OLD NAVY!,” he shrieked, gesturing wildly and toppling over a trash can.  “Take that!,” he continued, throwing a chair on the sidewalk and kicking someone’s bicycle.  By this point, I had assumed the standard 7th and Montana Loon position:  “Duck your head down and stare intently at the floor.  Don’t make any sudden movements.”  “Money, Money, Money!” the Admiral screamed.  Neighbor Johnny gave him 50 cents, which seemed to make matters worse.  Starbucks management called the police, who carted him away faster than you can say “Urban Outfitters.”  He was last seen shopping for something in stripes …