Sunday, March 30, 2014


Ladies and Gentlemen, make way for Mary Poopins, a fashionable matron who floated down 7th Street this morning on the wings of her umbrella.  Never mind that it was a beautiful, cloudless morning, "Mary" clutched her umbrella like a little old lady clinging to her diamonds.  Some say she was just avoiding the sun, but I think she was secretly hoping for another crew from TMZ to come along.  After all, the last time someone brandished an umbrella at Our Favorite Starbucks they ended-up getting a lot of publicity ...

Tuesday, March 25, 2014


Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana yesterday as a candidate running for local office practiced his campaign speech on me and Genevieve.  "Howdy," he said, "Mind if I run my statement by you?"  He cleared his throat, waved a piece of paper in the air, and began reciting the lyrics to that popular children's tune, "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes ... Knees and Toes!"  By the time he got to "eyes and nose and mouth and ears," I knew something was terribly wrong.  "What do you think?," he asked.  I answered quickly before he could launch into another chorus.  "I'd say you're head and shoulders above the rest, not to mention knees and toes!"  Genevieve noted that he'll be facing some pretty stiff competition.  "Yes," I agreed, "I hear her speech will draw heavily on the Hokey Pokey."  I could see his mind at work, almost like the wheels on the bus that go round and round.  "I have to run," he said, "Whether I win or not, it's the right thing to do!"  As for me, I learned an important lesson:  Sometimes a stump speech can leave you competely stumped ...! 

Monday, March 24, 2014


It was a bumper crop at 7th and Montana yesterday as an Anonymous Loon spent the morning quietly plucking fruits and nuts from the trees surrounding our Favorite Starbucks.  The 'Farm Hand,' a man in his early sixties, looked like a cross between Juan Valdez and Captain Kangaroo, but don't let that fool you. He was stealthier than both of them combined.  He snuck up to a tree near the 'parking lot from hell,' looked around to make sure no one was watching, then quickly snatched dozens of loquats, passing them one-by-one to a faithful assistant who stood nearby with a basket.  "There are some very interesting mushrooms growing on the Eucalyptus Trees on 7th," I said, "And I bet they'd be perfect in a Risotto!"  I don't think he'll be back ...

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


I may be on the road, but it's nice to know that it's business as usual at 7th and Montana.  Apparently, TMZ has stepped-in to report the day-to-day occurrences at Our Favorite Starbucks in my absence.  In case you haven't heard, they just filed this report -- Umbrella-Wielding Man versus Taser  -- about a man who made the scene last night intent on using one of the sidewalk umbrellas as a deadly weapon.  Police were on the scene within minutes, tasered him into submission and brought him to the hospital for mental evaluation.  Whoever he is, I hope he's OK.  As for the police, I can't help wondering -- as TMZ did -- whether they used excessive force.  If the authorities went around tasering every oddball at 7th and Montana, half the customers would be aglow ...

Monday, March 10, 2014


A funny thing happened on my flight to Rome yesterday.  Two nuns sat next to me.  Not that there's anything funny about a Flying Nun.  Lord knows it wasn't Sally Field's finest hour.  But these two -- no doubt on their way to visit the Mother Superior Ship -- were even more annoying than Sister Bertrille.  The one on the right spent most of the flight coughing in my direction ... and she didn't cover her mouth.  After four hours, I decided to take action.  "How exciting to go to Rome!," I said.  "Yes," she replied.  "We're just going for a brief visit."  "How nice," I said, "Is it comfortable traveling in a habit?"  "Oh yes," she replied, "It's fine."  "You know," I continued, "I can think of an even better habit:  Covering your mouth when you cough."  That pretty much ended the conversation.  She spent the remainder of the flight coughing in the direction of her colleague and occasionally looking at me as if she'd like to rap my knuckles with a ruler.    

Saturday, March 1, 2014


Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana this week as a mysterious, new sign appeared across from Our Favorite Starbucks promoting a business called The Pump Station.  The headline read, "Ask about becoming our Mommy & Me Friends with Benefits!"  An illustration showed a pregnant woman waving a bra in one hand and leading a toddler down the street with the other.  "At last," I said, "Signs of new business!"  For months, folks have been wondering what might move into the space formerly occupied by 'Hypoxy,' home of the Vacu-Tron Fat Removal System.  A Breast Milk Emporium seems like just the ticket.  And besides, it's perfectly in keeping with 7th and Montana history.  Once a Pump Station, always a Pump Station, I always say ...