Sunday, November 30, 2008


What's a four-letter word for "canine who loves crosswords?" It's ZOEY, the Tibetan Terrier who made a bee-line for my Crossword Puzzle this morning at 7th and Montana. At first, when she stood on my newspaper, I had a few Cross Words of my own. Afterall, dogs and newspapers have a certain history together. Then it became clear that she was really just in search of her favorite food. In case you're wondering, here's a clue: It's a five-letter word for "Holesome Breakfast Treat" and -- if Zoey has anything to say about it -- it had better be perfectly toasted!

Saturday, November 29, 2008


It was Raiders of the Lost Art -- of fashion, that is -- at 7th and Montana yesterday as an Anonymous Goofball made the scene disguised as Indiana Jones. "Where does he think he is, the Temple of Doom?," I wondered, "That kind of Safari Hat went out with the Last Crusade." Seriously, someone should tell this guy that we're blocks away from the beach, not in the Sahara Desert. On the other hand, why bother? Something tells me this particular Beach Boy is on safari to stay ...!

Friday, November 28, 2008


My nose for news pulled double-duty this morning at 7th and Montana as I not once, but twice, caught the Notorious Newspaper Thief in the act of doing what he does best: Trying to steal copies of The New York Times and The Los Angeles Times from Our Favorite Starbucks. The fun began at 8:39 a.m., when the Newspaper Thief quietly made his entrance. He looked around -- as if to case the joint -- then inched his way to the newspaper display. Just when he started reaching for the newspapers, I held my camera aloft, pointed it in his direction and smiled. He recoiled, as usual, and fled the scene ... but I knew he'd be back for more. Indeed, he returned at 10:15 but I was ready for him. This time, he took one look at me and knew the jig was up. He avoided the newspaper display altogether and, instead, began fishing through the trash in a desperate effort to piece together the morning news. Seriously, if he's that interested in the news, I would have been more than happy to share today's top headline with him: "Local Shoplifter Caught in the Act: Another Burglary Bungled ...!"

Thursday, November 27, 2008


It may be "Turkey Day," but the Loons were out in full force this morning at Our Favorite Starbucks. Take the woman pictured to your left. No sooner did she get her latte then she started screaming at an Unwitting, Young Barista: "Give me back my Credit Card or else! You've stolen my card and I want it back!" At first, people took her seriously. "I'm sorry, mam, but he doesn't have your card," said Barista Kenisha, "We've searched everywhere and your card simply isn't here." That's when all Hell broke loose. "This isn't the first time you've done this to me," screeched the woman, "Why are you all out to get me?!? Never mind, I'll find it myself ... I'm calling the Police!!" And with that, she began circling Starbucks for 20-minutes, muttering incoherently to anyone who would listen. "He's done it to me again," she mumbled, "He's hidden my card in his apron, then slipped out the back door so he could put it in the dumpster. He'll be back to get it later ... but I'll be ready for him." I considered pointing out that the Dumpster behind Starbucks is hardly a good hiding place -- that even as she spoke, a Derelict could be found partially submerged in it -- but why waste my breath? By the time the Police finally arrived, she was long gone. She was last seen at the Lincoln Car Wash where, rumor has it, they've stolen her car, her wallet, and the last, remaining Shred of her Sanity ...!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Newcomer -- no doubt unaware of the cast of characters at Our Favorite Starbucks -- got the shock of his life. Shortly after he sat down, the man sitting at the table next to him -- none other than the "Boy Named Sue" -- pulled a Purple Poncho and a pair of Stiletto Heels out of his suitcase and stood up to reveal that he was wearing a mini-skirt. The Newcomer gaped in astonishment as "Sue" did a quick change before his very eyes. I quietly got into position with my Camera Phone, intent on capturing both Sue's transformation and the Newcomer's reaction. Unfortunately, I, too, got a Big Surprise. The Newcomer quickly turned towards me, as if to ask "Is this for real?," and came face-to-face with my Camera Phone. I was caught in the act. "Smile," I muttered, "You're on Candid Camera!" He did smile, sort of, and then -- faster than you can say "Twilight Zone" -- he moved to a different table. Was it something I said ...?!?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


Every major Superhero needs a Sidekick. Batman has Robin; Superman has Jimmy Olsen, not to mention Krypto the Wonderdog; and the Wonder Twins, well, they have each other. That's why I'm pleased to report that our very own Captain Underpants -- known for protecting Our Favorite Starbucks while wearing a pair of Snazzy Underpants on his head -- has at long last found a Sidekick. Ladies and Gentlemen, meet T-Boy: The Amazing Underling. Unlike Captain Underpants, T-Boy doesn't seem to have any particular superpowers, but he does meet one important criteria: He wears his undershirt on his head ...!

Monday, November 24, 2008


Unemployment may have reached a 14-year high of 8.2 percent in California, but that hasn't stopped folks at 7th and Montana from Going for the Gold. Take our Friendly, Neighborhood Transvestite, otherwise known as the "Boy Named Sue." This morning he made the scene dressed like a man, but with a bold, new twist: Gold Fingernail Polish. And he's not the only one in town with a Golden Touch. Screenwriter Brothers, Mark and Rob, have been raking-in enough business lately to make Midas proud. This morning, a Friendly Talent Manager happened-by and -- just as he was ducking into Starbucks for a quick latte -- said to Mark, "Call me ... I have some projects for you with Will Ferrell and Jim Carrey ...!"

Sunday, November 23, 2008


Christmas came early at 7th and Montana this morning as a Mysterious Hooded Creature arrived on the scene, belting out holiday tunes and wishing passersby a Merry Christmas. "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night," he cried to one Little Toddler, whose mother quickly grabbed the child and fled to safety inside Our Favorite Starbucks. "Was it something I said?!?," he asked, rhetorically. Every so often, he would let out a low cackle and take a swig from a plastic jug he kept at his side. I don't know what he was drinking, but something tells me it wasn't an Egg Nog Latte ...!

Saturday, November 22, 2008


In case you're wondering "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?," I'm pleased to report that she's alive and well ... and hanging out at the dumpster behind Our Favorite Starbucks. An Anonymous Crone closely resembling the Legendary Film Character made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning and wasted no time making her intentions known. She lit up a cigarette and boldly puffed her smoke into the crowd. "Excuse me," said Cathy, politely but firmly, "There's no smoking here." The Crone stopped in her tracks and glared at us. "I can smoke out back if I want, away from all you beautiful people," she rasped, in a voice that revealed just how much time she probably spends behind Starbucks. And with that, she grabbed a chair and dragged it into the Parking Lot from Hell. She was last seen behind Starbucks, muttering incantations and blowing smoke into oncoming traffic ...

Friday, November 21, 2008


Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "The Guru," a Mysterious Newcomer who arrived on the scene at 7th and Montana this morning, eager to answer Life's Most Perplexing Questions. "It's all quite clear," he said loudly to Anyone Who Would Listen, "The answers you seek, the riddles of life, anything you need ... it all can be found in the annals of "Xena: Warrior Princess" and the lyrics of The Bee Gees." Surprisingly enough, once you get over his striking resemblance to the Ayatollah Khomeini, his arguments make a strange sort of sense. Then, again, maybe he's just Jive Talkin' ... !

Thursday, November 20, 2008


What could be worse for a celebrity than constantly being hassled by fans and paparazzi? Not being hassled, that's what. Just ask David Hasselhoff. The former Baywatch star was remarkably hassle-free when he made the scene yesterday at Ambrosia, a quaint, sidewalk cafe near my office on Sunset Strip. The "Hoff," as his friends call him, burst into the cafe, intent on being noticed. He ripped off his sunglasses with a dramatic flourish, strode-up to the counter and asked the cashier loudly, "Can you change $1,000?" No one seemed to notice. Apparently, the clientele -- talent agents, mostly -- were too busy eating their young to notice him. Then he said, "I'm in desperate need of quarters!" Still, no one noticed. The poor guy. Ever since they cancelled Baywatch, he's been struggling to keep his head above C-Level ...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Patience wore thin this morning at 7th and Montana as the line of folks waiting to get into Our Favorite Starbucks reached record proportions. Indeed, a Motley Crew of Jittery Nutcases, Babbling Bubbleheads and Caffeine Addicts snaked beyond the Pastry Case, outside the door and down 7th Street. The line was so long that at one point I wondered whether a Government Bailout might be necessary. Local Officials were quick to respond. "What's going on here?" asked Our Favorite City Councilman, suspiciously, "Why is the line so much longer than usual?!?" As if on cue, Barista Nada -- the Fastest Espresso Slinger in the West -- poked her head out the door and said, "The line is so long because I'm not on duty right now!" I guess that clinches it: The line at Starbucks might be long, but Nada's Ego stretches even further ...!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


It was an "Elevator Emergency" this morning at 7th and Montana as Amtech Jeff's radio crackled to life and his colleague, Robert, called him to the scene of an Elevator Repair Job at the corner of Sunset and Pacific Coast Highway. Don't ask me what constitutes an "Elevator Emergency," but when Robert calls, you just know something major must be going down. Four months ago, that "something major" turned out to be Robert, himself, when he "inadvertently" dove head-first from the top of a cliff at the Kern River into a shallow pool of water below. "It was terrible," said Jeff, "He broke his neck, dislocated his head, slipped into a coma and nearly drowned ... all on the 17th anniversary of the day doctors installed a Metal Plate in his head." Amazingly, Robert lived to tell the tale and is already back at work in the Elevator Repair Business. If that's not tempting fate, what is ...?!?

Monday, November 17, 2008


Ladies and Gentlemen, the Green-Eyed Monster is alive and well ... and living at 7th and Montana. An Observant Newcomer named Angie noticed that I was getting what she called "special treatment" this morning at Our Favorite Starbucks and loudly announced it for all to hear. The fun began shortly after I arrived at 7:45 a.m. Baristas Tyler and Kenisha said a cheery "Hello" while Nada scrambled to get me my usual Grande Half Caff. Before I even placed my order or made it to the cash register, my coffee was ready and waiting. "Wow," commented Angie, laughing, "That's some treatment. What do I have to do to get special attention like that?!?" Nada, as usual, chimed right in: "You have to get your coffee here more often instead of running across the street (to Marmalade Cafe)," she said. Here's another tip: It doesn't hurt if you quietly take photos of Marmalade customers when they're not looking and ridicule them online, too ...!

Sunday, November 16, 2008


It was "Ashes to Ashes and Dust to Dust" this morning as chivalry died a slow and painful death at 7th and Montana. It all began when an Anonymous Ash-hole (pictured left) parked his Porsche in the red zone, blocking the entryway to the Parking Lot from Hell and virtually ensuring that subsequent vehicles hit the curb in an effort to avoid his car. His vanity license plate -- "2SHALLOW" -- says it all. Speaking of Ash-holes, the skies over Santa Monica (pictured right) have been filled with ashes and smoke resulting from the wildfires that have been raging out of control throughout much of Southern California. The fires thus far have destroyed more than 800 residences and forced the evacuation of 50,000 people from communities such as Carbon Canyon, Chino Hills and Yorba Linda. California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger -- who normally tools by Our Favorite Starbucks on his way to church on Sundays -- instead spent this morning at a press conference at Hansen Dam in Pacoima where he explained that firefighters have been battling a "perfect storm" based on high temperatures, high winds and a very dry climate.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


Heads were turning at 7th and Montana this morning as "Sammy the Somnambulist" once again rolled out of bed and into Our Favorite Starbucks. This time, he was sporting a pair of Gray Checkered Pajamas and Fuzzy Gray Slippers. "Oh, well," I thought, "At least his taste in Pajamas is improving." Moments later, things got hairier when a German Tourist wandered in wearing only a pair of trunks. How did I know he was German? He loudly announced that he was from Baden-Baden. Baden-Baden, indeed. If you ask me, things are starting to Worsen-Worsen as far as the "dress code" at Our Favorite Starbucks is concerned. What next, Full Frontal Nudity ...?!?

Friday, November 14, 2008


Ever since I first blew the lid on the story about how the new Starbucks lids are driving people to drink, I've been deluged with e-mails from Disgruntled Customers all over the world. "How can Starbucks do this to us?," wrote one Angry Customer, "We pay perfectly good money for a cup of Iced Coffee and they go and replace their lids with an inferior product. I tell you, this is the last straw!" The problem, sources say, is that the Starbucks straws simply don't fit through the hole in their new -- and presumably less expensive -- lids. One local couple, Nat and Robin, is doing something about it: They've begun offering tutorials on how to cope with the new lids. Robin demonstrated her technique for me this morning. (1) First, you grab a straw firmly with one hand, as pictured above. Remember, use only one hand. You need the other for a pile of napkins. Try to poke the straw firmly through the hole in the lid. It won't fit ... but don't let that stop you!

(2) Next, keep pushing the straw until a Geyser of Iced Coffee shoots through the top of your lid. Apply as much force as necessary to make contact with your coffee. Here is where the napkins come in handy. Quickly use them to staunch the flow of coffee from your lid. Make sure you use enough napkins to erase any savings Starbucks might have achieved by purchasing Bargain Basement Lids. Your lid should be cracked, but don't despair. You're not alone!

(3) By now, you should be left holding a dripping, cracked lid. Tilt it slowly towards your coffee, allowing any excess fluid to drip gently back into your cup. Using your free hand, rip the hole in the center of your lid manually, increasing its diameter just enough to allow your straw to squeeze through. Cursing is optional.

(4) Reseal your cup and, "Voila," you're ready to go. Remember, this technique is not recommended for minors or adults over the age of 90. If you are nursing or pregnant or considering becoming pregnant, check with your doctor before using this technique. Side effects might include sudden onset of Turret's Syndrome, Periodic Bouts of Dementia and Projectile Vomiting.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


The crew at Our Favorite Starbucks has always offered great customer service but now, thanks to the arrival of a Mysterious Newcomer in our Midst, they might just find themselves offering Services of another kind. A Local Priest made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning, intent on hosting what appeared to be an informal Confession Over Coffee. From where I sat -- at the very next table -- the whole thing was riveting, even if the Sinner-in-Question didn't appear to be especially guilty of anything. Who knows ... this could be the Genesis of a whole new religion. Let there be Latte ...!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Quick, send out an Amber Alert -- or on second thought make it a Paper Mache Alert! A pair of Anonymous Evildoers raised eyebrows at 7th and Montana on Sunday when they "abducted" a Pasty Young Boy from Our Favorite Starbucks in broad daylight and threw him in the back of a pick-up truck. "The whole thing was bizarre," said one eyewitness, "The Poor Boy seemed so terrified he just froze in place ... his face went completely white." The child, a seven-year-old Caucasian with slicked back white hair, was last seen wearing a Blue Speedo Body Suit and a pair of Water Wings. Seriously, folks, it appears that the surf shop next to Our Favorite Starbucks is finally getting rid of its Creepy Mannequins. With any luck, maybe the whole shop will move. Not that I have anything against the store but, like many, I just wish it would just go away to make more room for Our Favorite Starbucks!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


I guess I only have myself to blame, but once again I found myself sitting next to the seat mate from hell this evening aboard United Flight #27 from New York to Los Angeles. The fun began yesterday when I agreed to take another "day trip" to New York for a meeting. My meeting ended a bit earlier than expected, which meant that I had a chance to catch an earlier flight home. I used all my "pull" with United to get the last remaining seat on an earlier flight ... even though the woman at the ticket counter tried to warn me that I might not be very happy. "This is literally the last seat on the plane," she said, "It's not exactly the best seat in the house." Fifteen minutes later, I knew what she meant. There, sitting next to me, was "Rip van Stinkel." Rip, an Asian man in his mid 50's, fell asleep almost as soon as the flight began. He snored loudly, smelled like pickles, and spent most of the flight jamming his elbow into my side. Next time, I'm bringing a gas mask ...!

Monday, November 10, 2008


Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Sammy the Somnambulist," the Local Sleepwalker who yesterday wore a pair of Zany Moose Pajamas to Our Favorite Starbucks. "What a Photo Opportunity," I said, grabbing my camera phone and following him at a safe distance to the coffee counter. I was practically writing the Blog Entry in my mind -- "Local Nincompoop has the Fashion Sense of a Moose" -- when something took me by surprise. Just as I was about to get the perfect shot, Sammy turned around to face me and said, "I like your shirt!" I was shocked. The man whose idea of good taste is a Repeating White Moose Pattern on a Bright Blue Background had just complimented me on my shirt. "Really, it's terrific," he continued, "Very cool, man." For the record, I was wearing a tie dye shirt, a gift from my parents when we stopped at Anna Maria Island last March. "Why thanks," I replied, "And that's some pair of pants you're wearing. They look -- err -- comfortable." He looked down and then, judging from the shocked expression on his face, I think he suddenly woke up. I didn't stick around to see what happened next. They say it can be dangerous to wake up a Sleepwalker ...!

Sunday, November 9, 2008


Kathy regaled the crowd at 7th and Montana this morning with tales of "the Birthday that Time Forgot." You see, yesterday was her birthday and, rumor has it, she spent the entire day trying to outrun Father Time. First she took a 30-mile bike ride down the coast, then she went bowling for three hours, danced up a storm and capped it all off with an Icy Water Aerobics Class. And if all of that's not enough to keep her young, get a load of this: She's not aging this year. Much to her surprise, she learned yesterday that she's a year younger than she thought she was. How does someone forget their age? "I guess I'm just getting old," she quipped. Anyhow, Happy Birthday, Kathy! I'd wish you Many Happy Returns, but it sounds like you already have that covered ...

Saturday, November 8, 2008


Unemployment may be at 6.5 percent -- its highest level in 15 years -- but nothing can stop the Resourceful Crowd at 7th and Montana from Reaching for the Stars. Take Barista Tyler (pictured here). Today he announced a Bold, New Career Move: He's moonlighting as a D.J. for a Silent Auction. "Tyler," I said, "I'm so happy for you but I just have one question: What sort of opportunity can there be for a D.J. at a Silent Auction?!?" "It's all about knowing your audience," he said. And no one knows audiences better than Tyler. Just last week, while doing some audience work for "Wheel of Fortune," he won a Genuine Pat Sajak Doll. In other employment news, "Mrs. Gabe" landed an interesting new job, playing the part of a Princess at a Birthday Bash for Christian Slater's daughter and Local Newshound Dennis announced that his sister just won the contract to develop and manage all of the retail space at the 9-11 Memorial in New York. As for me, not that I'm looking, but opportunity even came knocking at my door this morning. Our Favorite City Councilman appointed me to a Top Post at 7th and Montana. "I want you to make sure no Bums hang around here!," he said. Moments later, as if on cue, three police officers arrived on the scene and arrested the same Derelict who just yesterday fished his breakfast out of the Garbage Can. Evidently, at some point after Breakfast, he tried to beat up a Little Old Lady ...

Friday, November 7, 2008


They say that America has turned into a nation of "the haves" and "the have nots," that in the past eight years the rich got richer and the poor got poorer. A recent piece in The Economist makes this all too clear: Between 2002 and 2006, 99% of working Americans saw their income rise by only 1 percent a year. In contrast, the remaining 1 percent -- the country's wealthiest individuals -- saw their incomes rise by 11 percent a year. In other words, three-quarters of America's economic gain during the "boom" years went to the top 1 percent. This contrast plays itself out every morning on the sidewalk in front of Our Favorite Starbucks and today was no exception. "Hey, isn't that your friend, Mr. Trust Fund?," I asked as a Sleek, New Ferrari pulled into the Parking Lot from Hell. Mr. Trust Fund achieved notoriety last year by launching his Lamborghini into space, only to have it come crashing down onto several parked cars on Ocean Avenue. He's been driving a Bentley ever since. "No," answered Richard, "That's someone else." Amtech Jeff was quick to chime-in: "Oh, don't you know him? That's the guy who invented Spin Bikes." While we were talking, a Derelict sidled-up to the Garbage Can in front of us, removed the lid and began rooting around for leftovers. His face lit-up every time he hit paydirt until, by the time he left, he had gathered together an impressive, slightly used breakfast. There's been a lot of talk lately about "redistribution of wealth." I'm no Robin Hood, but I, for one, don't mind paying a bit more in taxes if it means people like the Derelict can get a decent meal, a roof over their heads and healthcare when they need it. Sarah Palin might call it "socialism" ... but, then again, she's just a Nieman-Marxist, isn't she?

Thursday, November 6, 2008


Fur was flying at 7th and Montana this morning as word spread that there's a new Crazy Cat Lady in town. "We already have a Crazy Cat Lady," said one local resident, "Why do we need another?!?" "You're right," I replied, tactfully, "But let's face it, we need some fresh blood. This newcomer might be just the Change We Need!" For the record, the Incumbent -- a woman known locally as "Rosemary Looney" based on the sheer volume of cats she can squeeze into a one-bedroom condo -- has been something of a Lame Duck. No one has seen her for more than a year. Her challenger, a grizzled woman in her early forties, is a force to be reckoned with. I spotted her last night at the Gelson's Market, arguing with the Deli Manager. "I told you," she shrieked, "I need another quart of Tuna Juice. What's so difficult about that?!?" A Large Orange Tabby Cat was perched on her shoulder, taking occasional sips from a Mysterious Deli Container. The smell of Tuna filled the air. "What a beautiful cat," I said, quietly whipping out my Camera Phone, "You must be very proud." The woman took one look at me and flew into a frenzy. "You!," she hissed, "You're all alike. You just want to steal my cat!" I backed away as quickly as possible and escaped to the Frozen Foods Aisle. As for the Cat Lady, she was last seen at the Salad Bar sharing a Tender Moment -- and a Tender Vittle -- with her Feline Companion!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


Obama Fever was in the air this morning at 7th and Montana. Everyone, it seemed, was buzzing about last night's historic election results. Newspapers flew off the shelf without any help from the Notorious Newspaper Thief. Barista Keisha gave me the last, remaining copy of The Los Angeles Times (which she had squirreled away for safe keeping in the back room) and Veronica gave me a free cup of coffee. Why all the bonhomie? It's obvious that America is ready for a change. Obama symbolizes that change in so many ways: He's crossed racial boundaries, re-energized our youth and given hope to millions of people who struggle to make ends meet. For me, this election wasn't about black or white. It was about green. Over the last eight years, I've seen hundreds of friends lose their jobs, victims of "outsourcing" as their jobs moved overseas. Pensions have vanished, healthcare coverage has become a joke and the dollar just doesn't buy as much as it used to. It all happened so gradually that, until recently, I never realized that our own government's policies had a hand in it. Obama gave me a badly needed wake-up call and for that, I'm grateful. The free coffee this morning was nice, too ...!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


It was "Obama Central" at 7th and Montana this morning as hundreds of voters met at dawn to cast their ballots at the Calthorp School on San Vicente, then flocked to Our Favorite Starbucks to compare notes. From the moment I arrived, at 6:30 a.m., it was obvious that the crowd was Decidedly Democratic. I was the third in line, just behind Robb, but the crowd quickly grew and by 7:00 it was like an Enormous Block Party. Many, including Robb, Robin, Kathy and Genevieve, wore Obama T-Shirts or Buttons. As for me, I tried to remain incognito ... and a good thing, too. Shortly after I arrived, I discovered an ill-conceived plot to plaster my balcony with McCain Posters. And that's not all. The Ballot Box "refused" to accept my Ballot despite repeated efforts. As it turned out, I was the first person to submit my Ballot this morning and, evidently, Ace Pollworker Garland Allen -- who was in charge of the Ballot Box -- hadn't quite figured out how it works. He finally got the "silly contraption" to work by removing a stub from my Ballot. I thank you, Garland, as does Judicial Candidate Rocky Crabb who seems to be enjoying a surprising amount of Grassroots Support. Meanwhile, back at Our Favorite Starbucks, Barista David launched a campaign of his own this morning: He's intent on getting everyone to try Starbucks' new "Espresso Truffle Coffee." Truffles in your coffee?!? What an Obamanation ...! For complete 7th and Montana Election Coverage, click here.

Monday, November 3, 2008


Bells were ringing at 7th and Montana this morning as the folks at Starbucks quietly discarded their Halloween merchandise in favor of something a bit more Jolly. No sooner had the Great Pumpkin rolled out of town than they began re-introducing their "Iconic Red Yuletide Cups." You know what that means: A sales pitch for Egg Nog Latte can't be far behind. Is it my imagination, or has Starbucks been cracking open the Mistletoe earlier and earlier each year? Next thing you know, they'll have us celebrating the Fourth of July in January. Let freedom -- and the cash registers -- ring ...!

Sunday, November 2, 2008


Tension was mounting at 7th and Montana this morning as a Mysterious, Unattended Suitcase appeared in our midst. "If this was an airport, they'd be sending in a Bomb Squad right about now," said Joyce, while the rest of us eyed the suitcase -- a large "wheelie" with multiple compartments -- with growing suspicion. Moments later, the owner emerged and it turned out to be someone with Plenty of Baggage to spare: the Local Eccentric otherwise known as a Boy named Sue. Last seen a month ago wearing a skin-tight miniskirt with strap-on breasts, "Sue" was a bit more subdued today. He elected to dress like a man. Speaking of elections, with just two days to go until November 4th, I prevailed on Our Favorite City Councilman, Bobby Shriver, for some more advice regarding Santa Monica politics. While I'm pretty clear on most of the statewide and local initiatives, I needed some advice regarding who -- besides Bobby -- should be on the City Council. He recommends Ted Winterer. Now my only question -- one which no one seems able to answer -- is: "Who is most qualified to be a Judge on the L.A. County Superior Court?" I'm tempted to vote for Rocky Crabb. With a name like that, you just know he's clawed his way to the top ...!

Saturday, November 1, 2008


It was a Halloween Hangover at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Nincompoop made the scene sporting one of the Wackiest Haircuts of the Year ... a style I like to call "the Schmohawk." First you shave both sides of your scalp leaving a skunk-like stripe of hair running up and down your head, pretty much like any other Mohawk. Then you grow a beard, mustache and sideburns and connect the whole thing together via a network of hair running below your nose, around your mouth and up over your ears. The result, friends tell me, is amazing -- like having an Intercoastal Waterway on your Head -- but I think it's just Shear Madness!