Ever since I first blew the lid on the story about how the new Starbucks lids are driving people to drink, I've been deluged with e-mails from Disgruntled Customers all over the world. "How can Starbucks do this to us?," wrote one Angry Customer, "We pay perfectly good money for a cup of Iced Coffee and they go and replace their lids with an inferior product. I tell you, this is the last straw!" The problem, sources say, is that the Starbucks straws simply don't fit through the hole in their new -- and presumably less expensive -- lids. One local couple, Nat and Robin, is doing something about it: They've begun offering tutorials on how to cope with the new lids. Robin demonstrated her technique for me this morning. (1) First, you grab a straw firmly with one hand, as pictured above. Remember, use only one hand. You need the other for a pile of napkins. Try to poke the straw firmly through the hole in the lid. It won't fit ... but don't let that stop you!
(2) Next, keep pushing the straw until a Geyser of Iced Coffee shoots through the top of your lid. Apply as much force as necessary to make contact with your coffee. Here is where the napkins come in handy. Quickly use them to staunch the flow of coffee from your lid. Make sure you use enough napkins to erase any savings Starbucks might have achieved by purchasing Bargain Basement Lids. Your lid should be cracked, but don't despair. You're not alone!
(3) By now, you should be left holding a dripping, cracked lid. Tilt it slowly towards your coffee, allowing any excess fluid to drip gently back into your cup. Using your free hand, rip the hole in the center of your lid manually, increasing its diameter just enough to allow your straw to squeeze through. Cursing is optional.
(4) Reseal your cup and, "Voila," you're ready to go. Remember, this technique is not recommended for minors or adults over the age of 90. If you are nursing or pregnant or considering becoming pregnant, check with your doctor before using this technique. Side effects might include sudden onset of Turret's Syndrome, Periodic Bouts of Dementia and Projectile Vomiting.