IT'S NOT (QU)EASY BEING GREEN ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Greenhorn ordered one of the most disgusting-looking concoctions I've ever seen: A deep green "blended coffee." "Here we are," I thought, "not two days into Starbucks' new However-you-want-it-Frappuccino promotion, and people are already pushing it to the limit." His drink looked like Pureed Pond Scum. "I think it's made with Green Tea," said Kathy. I wouldn't be surprised if they threw a little field grass in there, too. Let's just hope it was pasture-ized ...!

THE LONG ARM OF THE SPYCAM ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a battle of Good versus Evil this morning at 7th and Montana as the Notorious Neighborhood Newspaper Thief -- known for stealing copies of the Los Angeles and New York Times when he things no one is looking -- was stopped dead in his tracks. The fun began when the Thief, as usual, began casing the joint. He walked in the front door at approximately 8:12 a.m., saw me standing at the end of the line, and tried unsuccessfully to maneuver his way around me to get to the newspaper display. I cleared my throat loudly, whipped out my Spycam and pointed it right at him. "Smile!," I said. He ducked out of camera range and ran out the door faster than you can say 'mug shot.' Was it something I said ...?!?

HAVE IT YOUR WAY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Bells were ringing at 7th and Montana yesterday as Barista Danny unveiled the latest Starbucks promotion: the "However-you-want-it-Frappuccino." Gone are the days when we were forced to drink a one size fits all Frappuccino. From now on, you can have it your way: with milk or soy, a variety of fruits, chocolate, caramel ... you name it. I, for one, plan to tell them to "hold the pickles, hold the lettuce" ...!

LET THERE BE LIGHT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a case of mistaken identity this morning at 7th and Montana as an Anonymous Missionary made the scene pushing a shopping cart filled with trash. I tried to avoid eye contact but he stopped at my table, anyway. "You!," he shrieked, "I'd know you anywhere ... You're Matthew!" Normally, I don't engage the Loons but today I needed a little extra time to get my Spycam up and running. "Nope," I said, "Guess again." "Luke," he cried. I shook my head. "Elijah?!?" He was grasping at Biblical Straws. "My name is Ezekiel," I said. "Ahh," he replied, knowingly, "Gotta light?" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigarette. "I'm sorry, I don't have any matches on me," I said, "But I hear there's a Burning Bush in front of the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf on Wilshire!" For the record, there's actually a fire pit there. I just hope when he arrives, he goes inside and buys something. Lord knows they could use a little Prophet ...!

DOWN ARGENTINE WAY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Cheers erupted at 7th and Montana this morning as a Strange, Hooded Creature made the scene. Why? Because underneath the hood was Neighbor Robin, who -- together with her husband, Nat (pictured below) -- just got back after nearly ten days in Buenos Aires. "It was great," she said, noting how warm and wonderful all the people were. Malissa, who also spent time in Buenos Aires several years ago, was quick to agree. The highlight of Malissa's trip, however, was when a Local Nogoodnik climbed up a tree and dropped a balloon filled with gunk on her head. While she was busy cleaning herself off, the Nogoodnik's partner-in-crime stole her wallet, traveler's checks and passport. Thankfully, nothing like that happened to Nat and Robin during their trip ... but they were obviously prepared just-in-case. I just hope someone tells Robin she can remove her hood, now ...!

THE EYES HAVE IT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ever get the feeling you were being watched? Such was the case with me this morning at 7th and Montana as an Anonymous Newcomer sat herself down at a table near mine and proceeded to stare at me ... through eight sets of eyes. You see, both she and her handbag were wearing identical sets of horned-rim glasses and both were pointed in my direction. "Sheesh," I said, "That woman's bag is creeping me out ... it's practically screaming for attention." And indeed it was. It featured a face and emblazoned across each leather eyeball were the words "Look at me!!!" "Oh well," I thought, "If that's what she wants, that's what she'll get." I stared directly and unflinchingly at the woman and her bag for more than five minutes. It didn't take long for her to notice. At first she smiled, then she became a bit uncomfortable. I kept staring. She began fidgeting. Finally, someone asked what I was staring at. "That woman," I said, "She has a Real Eye for fashion." Too bad there are bags under it ...!

WAY DOWN UPON A SWAMI RIVER ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the Swami, a local loon who sat on the sidewalk at 7th and Montana this morning giving the crowd lessons in contortionism. "It's all in your feet," he croaked, "The power to twist yourself into a ball resides in your feet." He pulled his feet together at a seemingly impossible angle and went on. "You have to inhale deeply, then pull out your diaphragm and exhale for all you're worth. Come, let me see you try ...!" Finding no takers, he went on. "True enlightenment," he said, "Is when you can walk like this." He stood up, turned his feet inward and danced a sort of demented hokey pokey. "If you're doing it right, you'll start seeing little sparkles when you breathe," he said, "That's perfectly normal. It's the light of your soul pouring out of your heart." The crowd was strangely transfixed, but no one was prepared for what happened next. "These clothes," he said, "are too confining. It all works much better when you're not wearing any pants." He started unbuttoning his pants and that -- thank God -- is when his bus arrived. "See you all tomorrow," he yelled, "I'm off to the Palisades!" And with that, he disappeared, no doubt to expose himself to a whole new audience.