WAY DOWN UPON A SWAMI RIVER ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the Swami, a local loon who sat on the sidewalk at 7th and Montana this morning giving the crowd lessons in contortionism. "It's all in your feet," he croaked, "The power to twist yourself into a ball resides in your feet." He pulled his feet together at a seemingly impossible angle and went on. "You have to inhale deeply, then pull out your diaphragm and exhale for all you're worth. Come, let me see you try ...!" Finding no takers, he went on. "True enlightenment," he said, "Is when you can walk like this." He stood up, turned his feet inward and danced a sort of demented hokey pokey. "If you're doing it right, you'll start seeing little sparkles when you breathe," he said, "That's perfectly normal. It's the light of your soul pouring out of your heart." The crowd was strangely transfixed, but no one was prepared for what happened next. "These clothes," he said, "are too confining. It all works much better when you're not wearing any pants." He started unbuttoning his pants and that -- thank God -- is when his bus arrived. "See you all tomorrow," he yelled, "I'm off to the Palisades!" And with that, he disappeared, no doubt to expose himself to a whole new audience.