MATCHMAKING ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was Many Happy Returns at 7th and Montana this morning as I made the scene fresh from my trip back East, secure in the knowledge that my father is on the road to recovery. While I wish he could be with me to soak up the California Sun, let's face it, 7th and Montana is no place to recover from a Heart Attack. Take "Tightly Wound Tillie," the woman pictured above. No sooner had Barista David handed me my coffee than Tillie, who had been standing in line behind me, barked "Will you get out of my way?!? I'm in a rush!" "Excuse me," I said politely, stepping to one side, "I was just trying to get my coffee." Let's hope she ordered a decaff.

Then came the usual, shocking parade of Fashion Victims, starting with Mr. Fancy Pants (pictured above), a man whose shorts were so garish I doubt they'd clear customs in Bermuda. The pants-in-question -- featuring multi-colored geometric shapes interspersed with cartoonish trolls and gremlins -- must have been designed by the Brothers Grimm.

Speaking of Grim, eyes were popping as an Unfortunate Street Urchin made the scene wearing a Skimpy Striped Miniskirt, Clashing Socks and a pair of Sneakers festooned with Pink and Purple Skulls. Just as I was about to suggest that she "follow the Yellow Brick Road," things got out of hand.

A Mysterious, Black SUV pulled out of nowhere, stopped in the middle of the crosswalk in front of Our Favorite Starbucks and blocked traffic long enough for an Anonymous Ignoramus -- working for Local Real Estate Agent Kate Bransfield -- to emerge with a series of signs promoting an Open House. "Move it, Fat Ass," screamed an Impatient Motorist, shaking his fist, while the Ignoramus placed Kate's Open House signs on the sidewalk. "Can't you see people are trying to get by?!?" Call me a matchmaker, but I think someone should introduce the Impatient Motorist to Tightly Wound Tillie. The two of them could make beautiful music together in the Cardiac Care Unit at Rhode Island Hospital, where -- thank God -- a vacancy just opened up.