A CAMerALOT MOMENT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Eyes were popping at 7^th and Montana yesterday as an Anonymous Matron made the scene with a sword resembling Excalibur hitched to her belt.  But that wasn’t the strange thing.  She brought her coffee with her – from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf no less – and apparently only ran into Starbucks to buy some pastry.  Even her dog, which yapped incessantly, knew something was wrong.  “Who in their right mind comes here just for the pastry?!?,” I asked.  And then it became clear.  “Aha,” I said, “She must be planning to embed the sword in the pastry … sort of like Camelot with a twist!”  The only problem is, not even King Arthur could handle that Sword in the Scone …!

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY

Happy Memorial Day from Santa Monica Pier ... and a special thanks to all who have served our country.

TWINKLE TOES ... AT THE CAR WASH

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Gene."  Everyone say, "Hi, Gene!"  Or better yet, say "Low, Gene."  His hygiene leaves something to be desired.  Not only does he traipse all over town with his pet bird, 'Sir Poops-a-Lot,' on his shoulder, but he also clips his toenails in public.  He was spotted at a neighborhood car wash last week with his feet propped-up on a table, clipping his toenails and leaving the evidence behind.  Why clip your toenails at a car wash?  Who knows, but the whole thing makes me wonder what he might do there next.  Full Body Wax ...?!?

POLITICS, POLITICS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA

The Mayor of Crazyville made the scene this morning at 7th and Montana, and -- like any good politician these days -- he was in "full campaign mode."  He sported a black crash helmet, a cell phone and a chip on his shoulder the size of Mount Vesuvius.  "How many times do I have to tell you," he erupted, "I have more than six bodies buried in my basement!"  "That," I muttered, "Might explain the stench."  He marched over to a trash can, pulled off the lid and stuck his head inside.  "I left something in here last night for safe keeping!" he cried.  No doubt it was his sanity.  By now he had everyone's full attention.  He opened the door to Our Favorite Starbucks, leaned his head in and screamed enough anti-Semitic slurs to make Mel Gibson blush.  "YOU!," he shouted, "ALL OF YOU ... YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF COUNTERFEITERS, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE!"  And that's when the trouble began.  He took two steps towards Screenwriter Mark ... and that was two steps too many.  Mark picked up an empty chair, ran over to the Mayor and threatened to hit him over the head with it.  "You'd better get out of here," Mark warned, "The police are on their way!"  "POLICE?!?," the Mayor cried, "I'll have you know I AM the Police.  I'm on the f-cking LAPD!"  "Great," said Mark, "Then say 'hello' to your buddies."  Several police officers appeared out of nowhere and started walking in the Mayor's direction.  The Mayor hopped on his bike and peddled up 7th Street as fast as his spindly legs could carry him ... but he didn't get far.  Another group of officers was waiting for him at Alta.  He was last heard screaming, "I have my rights, you know!"  Don't we all.  Election Day will be here before you know it, and something tells me the Mayor needs your support ...!

HOME TWEET HOME ...!

I interrupt our regularly scheduled coverage of 7th and Montana to bring you a programming note:  I've started using Twitter.  This doesn't mean I'm giving up on my blog, it's just that between work and travel, it's been getting difficult to add entries to my blog every day.  Tweeting will help me pick up the slack.  That means on days when I don't have time to post a full-fledged blog entry, I'll try to get in a Tweet or two.  I've also added a Twitter feed to the blog, just to the right of this entry, where I'll be able to post news updates on-the-go, like my latest update which I sent from Twitter world headquarters in San Francisco.  "Hey," I said to the receptionist, "Isn't this cool ... I'm Tweeting from Twitter."  She wasn't impressed.  My goal is to keep all Tweets as interesting as that one.  It'll be twicky, but I'll twy ...!

DRUM AND DRUMMER ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a case of Drum and Drummer at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Percussionist made the scene, intent on drumming-up some attention.  He sat for hours inside Our Favorite Starbucks using a table as a bongo drum, grunting and hitting the table so hard you'd think he was on tour with the Rolling Stoned.  But that's not all.  Every ten-to-fifteen minutes, he ran outside and did something nutty.  First, he started yelling and shaking his fists at a Eucalyptus Tree.  When it didn't answer, he peeled off fistfuls of bark and yelled, "Take That!"  "Don't worry," I said, knowingly, "His bark is worse than his bite."  Then, he grabbed a handful of napkins, rolled them into balls and started alternately throwing them at neighborhood dogs and stuffing them down his pants ("One for you, One for me ...").  Finally, not one to rest on his laurels, he scaled the heights of a lightpole and muttered obscenities at oncoming traffic.  Some say he's crazy, but I think he just marches to the beat of his own drum ...!

ALWAYS LEAVE 'EM LAUGHING ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA

7th and Montana has been practically a Loon-Free zone lately, but all that changed yesterday with the arrival of an Argumentative Newcomer who carried on a fierce debate ... with himself.  "That's the funniest thing I ever heard," he yelled.  "No ... that's the funniest thing I ever heard ...!," he replied.  "#$%## ... when I say that's funnier, I mean it ... and I know what I'm talking about!," he screeched.  As if to emphasize his point, he laughed like a hyena.  I don't know what he was laughing about, but -- trust me -- when this guy cracks up, he means it ...!

PORN TO BE WILD ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was the dark side of puppy love at 7^th and Montana on Sunday as Louis, the humpy-go-lucky, young Malti-poo, and Gordo, the usually timid rescue dog, vied for each other’s affections:  They took turns humping each other.  “Get a room, you two!,” I cried, but – as usual – they ignored me.  The excitement, among other things, was mounting by the minute until the two were finally separated.  I must say, Gordo’s behavior surprised me.  As for Louis, one might expect better behavior from a pup who was named after Louis Vuitton.  Then, again, rumor has it his middle name is Randy …

FLOWER POWER ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Shock waves rippled across 7th and Montana this morning as Local Actress "Eva Fangoria" -- best known for her body of work playing a body in various horror films -- took on a new role, that of Flower Girl.  When she thought no one was looking, she tiptoed through the flower bed in front of Our Favorite Starbucks and picked whatever struck her fancy.  She might have gone unnoticed, too, were it not for the fact that as she bent down to pick the flowers, she let out a foghorn of a fart.  Undaunted, she brought her fragrant bouquet inside and shared it with a friend for Mother's Day ...!

BULLY FOR YOU, MITT ...!

I usually avoid using this space to talk about anything beyond the comings and goings at my friendly, neighborhood Starbucks, but something happened on Thursday that I find pretty disturbing.  News leaked out that a candidate for President -- someone vying to be the leader of the free world -- was a high school bully.  At the age of 18, Mitt Romney led a "posse" of fellow students at his exclusive, private school -- Cranbrook -- in a raid against a fellow student, John Lauber, just because he was "different."  Lauber had bleached his hair and was presumed to be gay.  As the Washington Post put it, "They came upon Lauber, tackled him and pinned him to the ground.  As Lauber, his eyes filling with tears, screamed for help, Romney repeatedly clipped his hair with a pair of scissors."  In another case, Romney's abuse was more prolonged:  Every time another boy -- also presumed gay -- answered a question in class, Romney shouted "atta Girl."  These things happened nearly fifty years ago, so could perhaps be excused, were it not for Romney's reaction when asked about it today.  At first his press secretary tried to deny the claims, and when that didn't work, Romney -- in a carefully chosen interview with Fox Radio -- chuckled, offered a half-hearted apology, and claimed he didn't remember anything.  Everyone else involved remembers the events vividly.  Those who Romney recruited to pin Lauber down are still remorseful after all these years.  Romney's victim -- who died of cancer in 2004 -- was haunted by it for the rest of his life.  But Romney laughs the whole thing off.  Until now, I've tried to give Romney the benefit of the doubt.  I've agreed with some of his positions -- that is until he changed them back and forth -- and simply assumed that he's doing what it takes to win an election.  Most politicians use the bully pulpit to tell everyone what they want to hear, but few are actual bullies.  Make no mistake, Romney's reaction to this story from 50 years ago was a test of character ... and he failed miserably.  I don't for a minute believe he forgot the incident, not when he had enough recall to conveniently deny that it was "gay-bashing."  Had he expressed remorse -- like everyone else involved -- it might be different.  But now I'm left wondering what sort of man he is.  Do we really want someone this callous getting his Mitts on our armed forces?  And what happens when he takes his famous scissors to the Social Security administration?  I'm still trying to keep an open mind, but the more I see, the less I like ...

REST IN PEACE, LISA ...

Tragedy has struck the "extended" 7th and Montana family.  A friend and former colleague of mine, Lisa, has just passed away unexpectedly.  Out of the blue, she was stricken with a rare form of Meningitis.  One day she was fine and the next -- last Thursday -- she was rushed to the hospital.  Within hours, even before learning what was wrong with her, she slipped into a coma and never regained consciousness.  She died on Tuesday.  The news -- which I learned from Facebook -- came as a shock.  I've always though of Lisa as the Queen of Adversity.  Throughout her all-too-short life, she overcame obstacle after obstacle and always, somehow, managed to keep her sense of humor.  This photo -- taken five years ago for my blog -- is a case-in-point.  Lisa, always the first to arrive in our office, would turn on the lights, power-up the printers, check the fax machines and generally get everything ready for the day.  On February 7th, 2006, she got more than she bargained for:  Someone, somehow, slipped into our office in the dead of night and left a glass of urine on her desk.  Lisa turned the whole thing into a joke.  After the men in white lab coats and rubber gloves removed the offending evidence, Lisa re-enacted the whole scene for my blog with a glass of juice.  That was Lisa.  When life gave her the lemons, she made lemonade.  In the end, it took a form of Meningitis so rare the Centers for Disease Control has launched an investigation into it to get her down.  Rest in Peace, Lisa.  I'll miss you. 

BITTER HOMES AND GARDENS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a collective cry of "Eureeeka" this morning at 7th and Montana as word spread of a surprising, new discovery:  The local residence otherwise known as Casa del Bozo for its topsy-turvy twists and turns will be featured tomorrow in a special home tour of Santa Monica.  "Can it be?," I asked, "Is this some sort of joke?"  Local real estate agents assure me it's all true.  They've even broken out the Real Estate Dictionary to prepare some carefully-worded answers to commonly asked questions:

Q:  The home seems to be rusting before our very eyes.  Those brown streaks running from top to bottom, isn't that rust?!?

A:  Heavens, no.  It's weathering.

Q:  I see.  Then what's with the mottled, brown sheet metal exterior on the third floor?

A:  It's called Character, my friend.  Come, take a closer look.  You've had your tetanus shots, haven't you?

Q:  I think so.  While we're on the topic, why would someone paint their home such a blindingly bright shade of Perriwinkle Blue?

A:  Ahh, you noticed.  It makes a bold statement, eh?

Q:  I'll say!  Is it safe to get closer?  The house seems a bit unbalanced and lopsided with all those twists and turns.

A:  Don't think of it as "unbalanced," think of it as a sort of Architectural Scoliosis."  We in the industry like to call it the Weeble Home.  Trust me, it might Wobble, but it won't fall down!

Q:  Isn't that a shame.  I'm sorry, I can't go on with the tour any further.  Just looking at this place is enough to drive me batty.

A:  Then have no fear, my friend, you've come to the right place!