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Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Ali Boo Boo, an Unfortunate Entrepreneur who spent the last month in the alley behind San Vicente barking up the wrong Coconut Tree. Not only has he been turning to the Arabian Nights for fashion advice, but he has spent weeks building a special cart out of plywood and wagon wheels. Why? So he could fill it with Coconut Juice and wheel the whole thing to Venice. To his credit, there might well be a booming market in Coconut Juice. The only problem is, City Officials tend to frown on homemade carts that aren't attached to a licensed vehicle. That leaves the unlucky entrepreneur with just one choice: He can add an engine to his cart, trade-in his harem pants for a Good Humor outfit and zip around town selling Purple Poopcicles on a stick ...!
"I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it." -- Alice Walker, The Color Purple.
"Oh my God, it's a pile of Purple Dog Poop!" -- Genevieve, at the corner of 7th and Alta.
Ladies and Gentlemen, something unusual was afoot this morning at the corner of 7th and Alta. Someone left a pile of purple poop in front of Our Favorite Fixer Upper. Now I'm no expert, but even I know purple poop isn't the kind of thing that comes along every day. You have to work at it. Did some neighborhood dog get loose in a blueberry patch? Or maybe Starbucks was giving out free samples of its Very Berry Bran Muffins? We may never know, but one thing's for sure: it wasn't heaven scent ...!
The Trashman cometh at 7th and Montana ... and he looks a lot like Joyce. Neighbors were agog last week as Joyce walked over to the trash can in front of Our Favorite Starbucks, took it apart and started rooting through it like she was digging for buried treasure. Not since the Mayor of Crazyville stuck his head in the same trash can in May and loudly announced "I left something in here last night for safe keeping" has so little trash meant so much to one person. Some say the Mayor left a gift for Joyce, but I've got the real dirt: Joyce claimed to have dropped her cell phone in the garbage by mistake, but in reality her phone was in her pocket the whole time. I've heard some 'phony' excuses in my time, but this one was really scraping the bottom of the barrel ...!
It was a taste of Armageddon at 7th and Montana yesterday as an Anonymous Loon made the scene, intent on giving us all a nonsensical sermon. "Apocalypse ... Apocalypse ... Apocalypse ... Apocalypse ...!," she shouted at the top of her lungs, spewing fire and brimstone with every breath. "Gimme 2o million dollars," she added, before continuing on a rant of Biblical Proportions. "I talk like Jesus. I walk like Jesus!," she yelled, "But if you talk shit to me, I'll talk shit right back at you!" I guess, unlike Jesus, she doesn't believe in turning the other cheek. She went on and on, screaming and rasping about the end of days before finally hopping on her bike and disappearing up 7th Street. "That was refreshing!," I said. And I meant it, too. I just wish her Apocalypse were sealed ...!
Hot Dogs were on the menu today at 7th and Montana, thanks to an Anonymous Matron who plopped a bag containing an adorable Shih-tzu on the sidewalk and left it in the broiling sun for at least 20-minutes. "Talk about Red Rover," I thought, "This woman ought to be turned-in to the authorities." The dog sat there in the bag, roasting in its own juices, while the Matron enjoyed her cappuccino in air-conditioned comfort. Finally, just as a number of us were going to perform an intervention, the Matron emerged and whisked her beloved pet away. All I can say is, that Old Bag is full of Shit-zu ...!
Hallelujah! After a long, dry spell, it was once again raining nuts at 7th and Montana this morning. Meet 'Minnie Driver,' a petite matron who turned the parking lot behind our Favorite Starbucks into a three-ring circus. One minute she was "just passing through" in her Toyota Camry and the next she was wreaking havoc. In her zeal to find the perfect parking space, she hit two cars -- one a brand, new Audi, the other a white SUV -- and then, faster than you can say "Hasta La Vista, Baby," she tried to drive away. Unfortunately for her, the owner of the Audi was standing right there and witnessed the whole thing. He blocked her path. "Where do you think you're going?," he yelled. 'Minnie' was dumbfounded. He continued yelling, "You drive in here, hit two cars, and then try to get away before anyone notices?!?" "I, uh, don't know what you mean ...," she stammered. "I mean this," the man yelled, pointing to the damage to his car. 'Minnie' got out of her car and the two started arguing for fifteen minutes. "You're not leaving until I get your information!," the man insisted. That's when things got interesting. 'Minnie,' under pressure, shared her insurance information, then started walking around in aimless circles muttering to herself. Then she opened and closed all four doors of her car and poked her head in and out of the front and back seat for no apparent reason. The man calmly watched her the whole time, then finally said, "If you'll excuse me," I'm going to go find the owner of the other car you damaged." At this point, "Minnie" became frantic. She whipped out her handbag and rifled through it again and again. She was so preoccupied she hardly noticed when the owner of the other car she had hit emerged. "I ... ummm ... oh ... errr ... ," she stammered in lieu of an introduction. By now, the man who had originally caught her in the act quietly got back into his Audi and started pulling away. "WAIT!," shrieked 'Minnie,' pounding on his hood, "You can't leave ... Somebody get him ... this man stole my keys ...!!" Somehow, despite 'Minnie's' best efforts, the man maneuvered his way around her, leaving 'Minnie' alone to face the owner of the other car she had hit. They appeared to exchange information without incident, but then 'Minnie' had another problem. She was stranded in the Starbucks parking lot. I don't know whether or not someone 'stole' her keys, as she claimed, but perhaps it's all for the best. Something tells me her record at the DMV is anything but 'Minnie' ...!
Something's been missing lately at 7th and Montana, and I don't mean just the lack of blogworthy news. Louis, everyone's favorite Maltipoo pup, has been "fixed." "Snip, snip," said Kerry, emphasizing her point with a simple scissors gesture. At first, I didn't believe her. Louis' post operative behavior, if anything, suggests he hasn't quite gotten over the hump. But then I got a look at the free samples Starbucks was giving out today, two small 'dollops' of a mystery substance in a plastic cup, and had some second thoughts. "What's that?," I asked one of the Baristas. She paused, cleared her throat and mumbled, "Almond Balls, I think." This, from the company whose last ballsy move was to substitute crushed up beetle extract for berries in its Strawberries & Creme Frappuccinos, Strawberry Banana Smoothies, Raspberry Swirl Cakes, Mini-Doughnuts with Pink Icing and Red Velvet Whoopie Pie. "No thanks," I said, "I think I'll just fix myself a snack at home ...!"
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