THE CANE MUTINY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a Sting Operation at 7th and Montana on Saturday as two police officers made the scene on the lookout for a Mysterious Curmudgeon with a cane.  "We've received multiple reports of an elderly gentlemen threatening to hit people with his cane," said one officer, "Have you seen anything?"  "You betcha," I replied, gesturing up 7th Street, "He went that-a-way!"  Truth be told, all I saw was an elderly gentlemen, stooped over as he trudged up the street with a cane, but he fit the officers' description to a tee.  "I didn't see him hitting anyone," I added, "But he didn't look happy."  Police remain "on alert."  Meanwhile, as for our angry Citizen Cane, let's hope he latches-on to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf ...!

URINE FOR A SURPRISE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana yesterday as a woman made the scene wearing what looked like two bottles of urine strapped to her belt.  "Yowsa," I said, "I guess when you've got to go, you've got to go!"  Given the cast of characters who typically frequent the restroom at Our Favorite Starbucks -- including a few who seem intent on claiming squatter's rights -- most folks think the woman was being shrewd.  "I don't blame her one bit," said one witness, "I'd rather piss in a bottle than touch anything in that rest room, too!"  But I think something else was going on.  She's obviously trying to make the Number One fashion statement of the year ...!

MILDEWS AND DON'TS ... !

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Moe L. Dee, the scourge of Delta Flight 4608.  He made the scene last night on the puddle jumper from San Francisco to L.A. reeking of mold.  "Gee this is getting old fast," I said to myself, searching for signs of mildew as he took his seat beside me.  I eventually discovered the source of the odor:  It was a leather jacket which he kept draped over his lap.  The poor guy.  I'll bet that smell puts a damper on his social life.  Underneath it all, he's probably a good spore-t ...!

A LESSON FROM THE GURU ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a full house at 7th and Montana yesterday.  So full I had to take a seat at the counter against the wall, next to the Guru, the local eccentric known for knowing everything.  I knew what to expect even before I sat down.  "Let me tell you all about the European banking sector," he said.  And then, without waiting for me to respond, he went on and on about the history of the British and Dutch banks.  I tried everything.  I looked away;  I opened my iPad;  I pretended to talk on the phone.  Nothing worked.  For all I know, he's still there now, yammering on about the Rothschilds.  That's the problem with the counter at Our Favorite Starbucks.  It's just like a seat in Economy Class ...!

STARBUXXX ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was eXtreme;  It was eXcessive;  It was ineXcusable.  It was a Triple X morning at 7th and Montana today as an Anonymous Pervert made the scene wearing a suggestive leather jacket.  "Oh, good, there you are," said Robin, rushing to my side, "I just got a photo for you.  Get a load of that guy's jacket."  The Pervert, a man in his mid-forties, wore a white leather jacket with an insignia on the back depicting a nearly naked woman on her hands and knees.  "Gee, isn't that wholesome," I said, adding, "Correction ... make that G-String!"  Kathy was quick to look-up the Italian word "Pecorina," which appeared above the illustration.  "It means doggie style," she chuckled.  As for me, I kept trying to think of a suitable blog headline, but was at a loss for words.  Robb and Robin promised to give it some more thought on their way to church.  Twenty minutes later, they texted me from the pew with Robb's suggestion:  "StarbuXXX!," he said.  "Love it!," I replied, "Now maybe you should focus on the sermon!"  As for the Pervert, for all I know he went to church, too.  Afterall, he's definitely one of those Porn Again types ...!

VALENTINES DAY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Cupid's Arrow struck at 7th and Montana yesterday and if you don't believe me, just ask the three teens who made the scene extra early to celebrate Valentine's Day on their way to school.  One boy, pictured above, gave his sweetheart a Gargantuan Teddy Bear while their friend schlepped along behind them like a third wheel, holding a bouquet of flowers.  The whole thing was 'unbearably cute' ...!

CHANGES? ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Tongues were wagging at 7th and Montana yesterday as word spread that two anonymous construction workers were 'casing the joint' with clipboards and architectural renderings.  "This can only mean one thing," I said, "There's a renovation in store!"  Who knows, maybe they've ordered a toaster ...!

THESE SHOES ARE MADE FOR WALKING (AWAY AS FAST AS POSSIBLE) ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Something peculiar was afoot yesterday at 7^th and Montana:  A woman made the scene wearing what looked like a pair of homemade Caveman Shoes.  They consisted of various bits of leather and suede stitched haphazardly together and glued to a piece of felt.  Individual toe sockets – nothing more than rolled-up bits of animal skin -- protruded at jaunty angles.  The overall effect was dazzling, as if Hannibal Lecter threw-up on a pair of Birkenstocks.  And it doesn’t end there.  Her pants, a crazy kaleidoscope of lizard, crocodile and cowhide patches, matched her shoes perfectly.  A variety of animal pelts dangled from her shoulder.  Now that's what I call a killer sense of fashion ...!

ASS-FAULT JUNGLE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Charlie Parker," the Local Nimrod who treated the bus stop in front of Our Favorite Starbucks yesterday like his own, personal parking lot.  He tootled along in his Ford Focus, inching his way through a red light and swerving to the bus stop like it had his name on it.  He stepped out of the car and slowly made his way into Starbucks, where he remained for a good ten-minutes.  The crowd gaped in astonishment and prayed for a bus to arrive.  "What I wouldn't give for a bus or police car to arrive right now," said one witness.  But no such luck.  Mr. Parker emerged from Starbucks, cappuccino in hand, and got back into his car.  He pulled an illegal u-turn on 7th, then slowly eased his way through another red light, barely missing a pedestrian on the crosswalk.  Let's hope he ordered a decaff ...!

PILL-O TALK ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a standing ovation for Neighbor Larry at 7th and Montana this morning as word spread of his latest acting gig.  The talented actor -- known for an array of TV and recent radio work -- is starring in another Viagra commercial.  Congratulations, Larry ... I always knew you were one of the hardest working men in Hollywood!

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOATHE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was high finance at 7th and Montana yesterday as an Anonymous Wheeler Dealer made the scene pitching a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity.  The deal-maker, a Russian woman in her mid-fifties, wore a black cape, a fur boa, dark sunglasses and skin-tight, snakeskin pants.  She took a seat in the corner, whipped out her cell phone and started cursing in the kind of deep, heavily accented voice usually reserved for enemy spies in a James Bond movie.  "Nyet, Nyet, Nyet," she said, before switching to English, "F-ck, F-ck, F-ck!"   She dialed a number and turned on the charm.  "Daaahlink," she began, "I'm calling from my Los Angeles office and do I have an opportunity for you.  Qualcomm is in.  This will be big, I tell you.  It's global.  It's the biggest thing I've seen in a while and, just so you know, I used to run Compaq.  Let me put you in touch with my colleague in Vienna ..."  Just for kicks, I sidled a bit closer and started loudly ordering coffee drinks.  "Lucrative!" she shouted, "I'm only offering this to a chosen few!"  At that moment, as if on cue, the toilet flushed and Rigolatte -- the local loon known for belting out opera tunes for hours on end -- emerged from the rest room, yodeling as he walked by.  I'm not sure whether the Wheeler-Dealer closed her deal, but one thing's for sure, now we know who put the bull in the bull market ...! 

CLOTHING OPTIONAL (?) ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

A nude day was dawning at 7th and Montana this morning as word spread that an attractive regular only occasionally wears clothing.  The fun began when Robin complimented the young woman on her outfit.  "Why thanks," she replied, "Sometimes I get dressed."  Sometimes?  The brief exchange left me wondering what she does on her off days.  "What is she," I asked, "A nudist?"  Stay tuned, folks, I'll keep you abreast of the situation ...!

HAIR WE GO, AGAIN ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a close encounter with Cruella Deville at 7^th and Montana yesterday as a local version of the fur-ocious 101 Dalmatians scoundrel made the scene.  And like her cartoon counterpart, she was obsessed with a local purebred:  Reggie, the Polish Lowland Sheepdog.  “That dog,” she shrieked, “He’s irresistible.  May I pet him …?”  Without waiting for an answer, she began stroking Reggie’s fur.  “So soft,” she cooed, “So luxurious … so lustrous.  It’s everything one would want in a dog’s coat and more!”  I whipped out my Spycam and kept a close eye on her.  “You know,” she told Richard, “His fur would make an excellent sweater!”  “There's an idea,” I muttered, "But wouldn't he make a better throw rug?"  Meanwhile, as for Reggie, he couldn't take his eyes off Cruella.  No doubt he was thinking what a perfect chew toy he could make out of her hair ...!