BEAUTY AND THE BEAST ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a case of Beauty and the Beast at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Local (pictured above) tried to bring her Pampered Pug into Our Favorite Starbucks. The only question was, which one was the beast? The woman obviously thought she was within her rights to bring her dog inside, even though it wasn't a "service animal." She even seemed somewhat 'inconvenienced' when the baristas made her take the animal outside. What can I say, Lady? As a wise woman -- Barbara the Boxer -- once said, "Life is Ruff ...!"

FIGURE SKATING ... AT 7TH AND GEORGINA?

It was a game of Crazy Eights this morning at 7th and Georgina as a Local Matron glided across the street and sidewalk over and over like an ice skater doing figure eights. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she was doing this. It was probably some sort of exercise, but it looked like she was rehearsing for a part in Ditzy on Ice. "Keep it up!," I cried as I walked by, "You're doing great!" I couldn't help wondering, however, whether she was off her axel ...!

BARBARA BOXER ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

President Obama wasn't the only political bigwig in town today. California State Senator Barbara the Boxer made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning and she wasted no time pulling up a chair and hobnobbing with the masses. Following are excerpts from an exclusive interview she did with me.

Me: Tell me, Babs -- may I call you Babs? -- What do you think the President's chances are of getting re-elected?

Barbara the Boxer: Ruff!

Me: Thanks. And what's your view on the economic turnaround?

Barbara the Boxer: Ruff!

Me: I see. And what's it like working with the Senate Republicans?

Barbara the Boxer: Ruff!

Me: Tell me about Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Perry ... how would you describe his skills on the debate floor?

Barbara the Boxer: Ruff ... Ruff ... Ruff ...!

I, for one, could have gone on and on but the interview was cut short when Barbara became fixated on a fire hydrant and her handlers insisted that it was time for her to attend to other business ...!

SUPAH NINJAS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Creative Kudos to Neighbor Nat for his show Supah Ninjas, a new TV show about three kids -- Mike, Owen and Amanda -- who are high school students by day and butt-kicking, villain-battling Ninjas by night. The show also stars Actor George Takei (otherwise known as Sulu from Star Trek) as "Hologramps," a holographic grandfather who dispenses equal bits of Ninja wisdom and homespun humor. New episodes of Supah Ninjas air on Saturdays at 9:00 p.m. on Nickelodeon ... and they're re-run throughout the week. So tune-in if you want to see somethin' supah ...!

A BANJO ON MY KNEE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, there's a new Local Loon in town: Me. The fun began several days ago when Neighbor Robb -- up to his old tricks -- jumped out from behind a shrub and tried to turn the Spycam tables on me. True, I was shocked ... but I also hammed it up for his camera. Anyhow, flash forward to today and there's my image on a poster at Our Favorite Starbucks advertising Free Banjo Lessons. "Fun Male Banjo Master seeking local singles to come over and learn banjo," it read. The picture made me look like something out of the Dueling Banjo scene in "Deliverance." "Howdy," I seemed to be saying, "I'm my own first cousin!" Naturally, I took the whole thing in stride. I whipped out my Spycam and snapped photo after photo of Robb and Robin. None of them look bizarre enough to post here, but just you wait. Revenge is a dish best served at Our Favorite Starbucks ... and I don't mean the Apple Fritters!

THERE'S NO STOPPIN' POPPINS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was Chim Chimney, Chim Chimney, Chim-Chim Cher Loon this week at 7th and Montana as a Mysterious Newcomer swooped into town on the wings of a battered, blue umbrella. "Get a load of Mary Poopins," I said, as the newcomer trudged her way down the street. She marched into the supermarket, no doubt to get a spoonful of sugar, then disappeared into the pharmacy. Some say she's in town for a Jolly Holiday, but I think she's probably the brains behind the new "Mary Poppins Mobile," a mobile chimney sweep service that's been driving up and down 7th Street all week cranking out Mary Poppins tunes at full blast ... again ... and again ...!

TRAITOR IN OUR MIDST? ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA

It was a case of Coffee Bean and Treason this morning at 7th and Montana as a Downright Evildoer made the scene with a cup of coffee from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. She took one of the few available tables at Our Favorite Starbucks, spread out her computer and set to work, drinking the coffee she brought with her. Perhaps she thought no one would notice, but if it happens again, I'm e-mail her Mug Shot to Howard Shultz ...!

FROM HAIR TO ETERNITY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a Bad Hair Day at 7th and Montana today as a Mysterious Newcomer made the scene wearing what looked at first glance like two bedsheets tied together and looped around her right arm. On closer inspection, it turned out to be her hair, wrapped in at least ten feet of purple fabric. If unravelled, it would stretch from hair to eternity. "Wow, it's like a Fairy Tale come true," said one witness, "Maybe it's Rapunzel in disguise." Fairy Tale, Hairy Tale ... however you cut it, her style seems pretty Grimm.

EXERCISING THE REMOTE CONTROL ...

A funny thing happened last night. I woke up with a start in the middle of the night, having fallen asleep with the TV on. It was tuned to one of those infomercials that cater to the middle-of-the-night crowd. "Lose fat quick;" "Get rich quick;" "Grow hair quick" ... you know the type. But this one was different. It touted a fitness device and set of DVDs, exactly the kind of thing that usually has me reaching for the remote faster than you can say Torture Chamber, and it starred one of the regulars from 7th and Montana, Neighbor O. I watched for a few minutes, which was all it took for me to realize this wasn't my cup of tea (or coffee, either). As for Neighbor O., congrats on the infomercial ... !

WATCH OUT FOR FALLING ANVILS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA

Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana as an Anonymous Good Samaritan posted signs throughout the neighborhood warning that "the Coyotes are Back!" Personally, I never knew they were gone, but experts recommend watching out for your pets more closely. And if you're really serious about Coyote Prevention, check out the Original Illustrated ACME Catalog, an A-to-Z listing of all ACME products, guaranteed to scare-off even the most wily coyote. I recommend the Bat-Man's outfit, the Dehydrated Boulders and the Rocket-Powered Roller Skates ...!

EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S WINDY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet “Spasmodius,” an Anonymous Newcomer who impressed the crowd at 7th and Montana this morning with his impersonation of a windmill. He stood in the parking lot for five minutes rotating his arms in an increasingly frenetic, clockwise motion, almost as if he were trying to single-handedly whip-up a desert wind storm. All I can say is, if he was trying to create a Haboob, he succeeded in more ways than one …!

DOG DAY AFTERNOON ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a Dog Day Afternoon at 7th and Montana today as a Local Matron and her Beloved Boxers made the scene in a souped-up speed buggy. The Boxers watched the Matron expectantly as she got out of the car. "Those dogs sure look happy," I said. "Oh yes, they are," cooed the Matron, "They're my little babies! Don't you worry, my sweets, Mamma will be right back!" And with that, she ran inside for a cappuccino. I'll tell you this much, if she's the Dogs' Mamma, I'm the Cats' Meow ...!

CONTAGION ... IN CULVER CITY!

Contagion isn't just in movie theaters ... it's at the corner grocery store near my office in Culver City. And if you don't believe me, just ask the Anonymous Germaphobe who made the scene there yesterday wearing a surgical mask. I could barely mask my surprise as he lifted it momentarily, perched it on his head like baby bonnet and ordered a pack of cigarettes. I hope for his sake he doesn't leave it on when he smokes ...!

A FRIENDLY REUNION ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a Hair Raising experience at 7th and Montana this morning as a man with a Mohawk walked right up to me, shook my hand like I was a long lost friend and said, "Hey, Bro ... How've you been ... it's been a long time!" At first I was perplexed. I couldn't quite recall having any friends with a Mohawk. "Oh, same old, same old," I replied, "How about you?" I almost asked him how the wife and Mohicans were doing, but thought better of it. "I'm great," he said, "Just great." Then he walked right into a door frame, mumbled "Oops," and ducked inside Starbucks. As for me, I put my Spycam to good use. I quickly ran a search for "Mohawk" on my blog and -- voila -- there he was. I met him in 2007, but can be forgiven for not immediately recognizing him. Back then his Mohawk was a lot more pronounced. I guess it's the recession ...

A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

The Force was with us at 7th and Montana this morning as Hanna -- the woman formerly known as Pajama Girl -- made the scene wearing the latest in Star Wars fashion: A Storm Trooper boot. Evidently, Poor Hanna injured her foot and has to wear the boot for the next six weeks. Look on the bright side Hanna, at least they didn't make you dress like an Ewok ...!

CHEERIO ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was a case of Cheerio, Pip Pip at 7th and Montana this morning as an Anonymous Newcomer made the scene with what sounded like the phoniest British accent I've ever heard. "I'll have a cappuccino, Daaahling," she drawled. She sounded like a cross between Eliza Doolittle and Dr. Doolittle, part Buckingham Palace and part Bucking Bronco. Something tells me it wasn't just an act. Either the silicone in her lips gave her a speech impediment or she's the type who subconsciously picks up bits and pieces of random accents wherever she goes. Blimey ...!

MANY HAPPY RETURNS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

It was Many Happy Returns this morning at 7th and Montana ... in more ways than one. Howard and Cathy made the scene, fresh from a busy summer in Colorado. All I can say is, they must have made a bee-line for Our Favorite Starbucks, because they didn't even stop at the Bagel Nosh of Beverly Hills to re-load on Cinnamon Raisin Bagels.
Our Friendly Neighborhood Femme Fatale -- an actress known for her work in softcore adult films as well as for her real-life role in the sexual harassment scandal that brought down the former CEO of Hewlett-Packard last year -- also made the scene looking every bit the stunner. The Blonde Bombshell has fallen head-over-nine-inch-heels for Gordy the Dog. There was so much heavy petting going on this morning that I wouldn't be surprised if Gordy files harassment charges of his own.

And last but not least, Valerie Harper, the actress who played "Rhoda" on TV's "Mary Tyler Moore Show" and later on her own spin-off, regaled the crowd with tales of her recent trip to New York. It seems she was in the Big Apple during Hurricane Irene and, even though the City emerged relatively unscathed, she wisely kept the bathtub in her hotel room filled with water at all times in case of emergency. As she put it, you never know when you'll need a supply of water on-hand to keep the plumbing going. In case you're wondering, she meant the hotel's plumbing, not her own ...!

WHODUNNIT ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

They say that crime doesn't pay ... but this morning it paid handsomely for the Anonymous Nogoodnik who stole $50 from Robb and Robin. The fun began when Robin, who had been out for a long walk, made the scene at Our Favorite Starbucks only to notice that her pre-paid Starbucks card had fallen out of her pocket somewhere in the neighborhood. She quickly retraced her steps, while Robb -- using his iPad -- looked up their account to make sure no one was using it. To his horror, he immediately saw that someone was already using the card like there was no tomorrow. He watched their balance dwindle from $50 to 0 in the blink of an eye. So, who was the culprit? Was it the Pied Piper, known for chain smoking a Sherlock Holmes pipe all day? No, he was busy, as usual, saluting at strangers in the parking lot. Was it Rigolatte? Unlikely, he only has eyes for the Sweet 'n Low. All I can say is, if there's any justice, I hope the culprit used the card to load-up on Apple Fritters ...!

SEEING STARS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA

They say the early bird catches the worm. I made the scene at 7th and Montana extra early yesterday and arrived in time to catch TV uber mom Meredith Baxter getting her daily caffeine fix. She looked great as usual in an urban cowgirl sort of way. I guess cutting the "Family Ties" agreed with her.

LIVE, FROM SING SING ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Rigolatte -- the local songmeister known for belting out tunes in the restroom at Our Favorite Starbucks -- made the scene yesterday with a message. He opened the door, poked his head in and yelled, "I've just gotta sing ... I've f--cking gotta sing!" And then, strangely enough, he didn't sing. He turned to the crowd, threw up his hands and said, "Bitterness is a very unpleasant feeling, you know." I couldn't agree with him more. Here's wishing you all a song in your heart. Just don't sing it in the Starbucks restroom ...!

FROM PHAROANIC TO MORONIC ... AT 30,000 FEET!

Passengers aboard Lufthansa Flight #450 to Los Angeles were in a state of DeNile on Monday as a Lone Nincompoop threw a blanket on his head and left it there for the duration of the flight, a look that evoked images of Rameses the Great. “Tut, Tut ... what do we have here?,” I asked, whipping out my Spycam, “That blanket look is so yesterday!" The man sat motionless, like a mortuary statue for nearly 14 hours, giving me ample opportunity to photograph him from various angles. Some say he was in a deep, meditative trance, but I think he was just trying to embody his own, personal philosophy: "I Sphinx, therefore I am ...!

TRAVEL ADVISORY: CAVIAR-IN-A-TUBE!

A word to the wise: If you ever find yourself having breakfast at the Scandic Hotel in Berlin, whatever you do, don't confuse the tubes of caviar with toothpaste. You'll just end up with egg on your face ...!

CYCLING PSYCHOS ... NEAR CHECKPOINT CHARLIE!

Eyes were popping at Checkpoint Charlie today as a band of goofballs peddled onto the scene riding a giant Keg-Cycle. No, I'm not kidding. They were peddling a giant bike with a keg of beer at the helm and a full-service bar down the middle and -- as if that weren't zany enough -- they were singing the Beer Barrel Polka, to boot. "Sheesh," I said to my colleague, "What do they do around here for Octoberfest, paddle a U-boat down the Autobahn?" My colleague, a Dutchman, assured me that bikes like this are completely normal around here. I guess this must be the German version of a Biker Bar ...!

A TALE OF TWO STARBUCKS ... IN BERLIN!

It was the best of times, it was the Wurst of times at the Potsdamerplatz this morning as not one but two starbucks were closed during peak morning coffee hours. I made the scene at the first location (above, right) at 7:30, only to learn that it didn't open until 9:00. The next one I tried (above, center) was also closed. I tell you, if the crew at 7th and Montana tried opening that late, there'd be a stampede. Rigolatte would hit such a high note the glass doors would implode and the rest of us would rush in with pitch forks. But this is Berlin and there was only one thing left to do: I rushed off to the American Embassy and it was there, nestled behind the Brandenburg Gate, that I finally a Starbucks that was open. I guess sometimes you just have to go the extra mile ...!

UP, UP AND AWAY ... IN BERLIN!

Who would be crazy enough to ride in a hot air balloon that has the word 'Die' emblazoned across it? I guess that would be me. After a long day of work today, I made a bee-line for the Berlin Hi-Flyer -- a balloon that hovers quietly over Berlin at an altitude of nearly 500 feet -- and bought myself a ticket. Actually, 'Die' isn't the only word that appears on the side of the balloon. The other word is 'Welt.' The whole thing made me curious. "So what can I expect?," I asked the woman behind the ticket counter, "To Die or get Welts?" Actually, as it turns out "Die Welt" is the name of a local newspaper that sponsors the balloon. Once aloft, I had the time of my life. Berlin is a beautiful city and seeing it by balloon is peaceful and relaxing, almost like floating on a cloud. I decided to befriend the captain, Commander Frank. "What amazing city this is," I gushed, "It just sparkles. You Germans have given the world so much. Arts, entertainment, world class technology ... the list just goes on and on." He beamed proudly while I paused for dramatic emphasis. "Hey, wait a minute," I said, "Didn't you also give us the Hindenburg ...?!?" That pretty much ended our conversation but not to worry. I lived to tell the story ... and didn't suffer any "welts," either.

THREE REASONS WHY BRIGHT GREEN SPANDEX SHOULD BE VERBOTEN ... IN BERLIN!

They say it's not easy being green ... and if you don't believe me, just ask the three Green Loons who made the scene this morning at the Potsdamer Platz in Berlin. There I was, minding my own business, on my way to the Starbucks near my hotel with a colleague, when a trio of brightly clad Green Loons came out of nowhere and started babbling at us in German. "What the hell is this?," asked my colleague. "I'm not sure, but I apologize," I replied, "You see, I've come to the conclusion that I am a magnet for loons." Maybe I need to change my cologne ...!

AN EVENING OF CONTRASTS ... IN BERLIN

Maybe it's me, but I can't help thinking there's something wrong about going to a party at the doorstep of the Holocaust Memorial in Berlin ... but that's exactly what I did last night. One of the city's top night clubs is right next to the city's memorial to the six million souls who were exterminated by the Nazis during World War II. The contrast couldn't be greater: A bright yellow building, housing a fancy hotel and nightclub, and the stark, grey memorial made of 2,711 concrete slabs that look like coffins. But that's Berlin, a thriving cosmopolitan city of contrasts where life goes on, the wall came down, but invisible barriers remain. It's impossible to walk around this city without seeing ghosts of its past ... and maybe that's for the best.