ASS-FAULT JUNGLE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Charlie Parker," the Local Nimrod who treated the bus stop in front of Our Favorite Starbucks yesterday like his own, personal parking lot.  He tootled along in his Ford Focus, inching his way through a red light and swerving to the bus stop like it had his name on it.  He stepped out of the car and slowly made his way into Starbucks, where he remained for a good ten-minutes.  The crowd gaped in astonishment and prayed for a bus to arrive.  "What I wouldn't give for a bus or police car to arrive right now," said one witness.  But no such luck.  Mr. Parker emerged from Starbucks, cappuccino in hand, and got back into his car.  He pulled an illegal u-turn on 7th, then slowly eased his way through another red light, barely missing a pedestrian on the crosswalk.  Let's hope he ordered a decaff ...!