Friday, November 30, 2007

LOOK WHAT JUST BLEW IN ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

                             

Ace Photographer Kovar announced this morning that he's off on another Mission to Maui to continue work on his Top Secret Design Project.  Here's a hint:  It has nothing to do with Pineapples.  Kovar's work has been achieving widespread acclaim among discriminating art connoisseurs everywhere.  His latest project -- a delightful piece entitled "Look What Just Blew Into the Windy City" -- features our Friendly Neighborhood One-Eyed Bandit in a surprising new setting ...!

                             

 

Thursday, November 29, 2007

SILENCE IS GOLDEN AT 7TH AND SAN VICENTE ...!

                             

Good news, folks!  I've finally identified the party responsible for the rusting metal facade atop the "whimsical" home under construction at 7th and San Vicente, otherwise known as "Casa del Bozo."  Inside sources report that the eye-popping "mottled metal sheeting" is the handiwork of CSI, a specialist in the installation of roof and wall metal systems.  I interviewed one of the workers on the scene:

Me:  What amazing work you are doing.  Simply wonderful!  Tell me, what kind of metal are you using?

Workman:  I don't know.  You'll have to ask the office.

Undaunted, I've sent an e-mail to CSI headquarters asking, among other things, "Will the rust continue changing colors over time?" and "What happens if someone is sitting on the roofdeck, leaning against the metal sheeting, during a lightning storm?"  Unfortunately, CSI has not replied to my e-mail yet.  Perhaps they think that silence, like the rust at 7th and San Vicente, is Golden ...! 

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

HOLLYWOOD AND THE FRITTERS ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

                             

Leslie made the scene today at 7th and Montana, fresh from a national tour where she promoted her latest film, The Pixar Story.  The documentary features in-depth interviews with some of the key players in Pixar's history including Steve Jobs, John Lasseter, George Lucas and Tom Hanks.  Keep your fingers crossed:  Leslie is in negotiations on her next exciting, top secret project.  Who knows, perhaps it's an expose on the Apple Fritters at Our Favorite Starbucks ...!   

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

THE CASE OF THE MISSING SANDWICHES ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

                             

The crowd rejoiced at 7th and Montana this morning on news that Our Favorite Starbucks is once again offering a wide selection of sandwiches, salads, yogurt and fruit after yesterday's mysterious "food hiatus."  Indeed, for a brief period, it appeared that the cupboard was bare with the exception of a sign advising any customers interested in food to "ask (their) Barista for assistance."  The incident left me imagining the following exchange:

Unfortunate Customer:  Excuse me, may I ask for some assistance with a sandwich?

Barista Extraordinaire:  What do you need ... some help chewing?!?

Monday, November 26, 2007

CROSSING THE LINE AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Kudos to Kathy who left our safe surroundings at 7th and Montana today to join the likes of American Gangster Steven Zaillian in the picket line at 20th Century Fox.  The Screenwriters are on strike against the studios in an effort to ensure that they get their fair share of the profit when their work is redistributed on DVD and the Internet.  However, in a stroke of irony, while Kathy was protesting against the "Aggressive, Moneygrubbing, Pompous, Trash-Talking, Profiteers" at AMPTP (the Alliance of Motion Picture & Television Producers), I was quietly crossing the picket line for a lunch meeting in the executive dining room with my "moneygrubbing" friends.  I just hope Kathy doesn't send any American Gangsters after me ...! 

Sunday, November 25, 2007

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU THE LIMOS ...AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

     

Heads were turning at 7th and Montana this morning as a Super Stretch Limo arrived on the scene and boldly maneuvered its way over the Curb from Hell and into Our Favorite Parking Lot, where it occupied five full spaces.  The Driver, a man in his mid-fifties, left the Gas-Guzzling Vehicle long enough to inhale a quick cigarette, gulp an entire cup of coffee and swallow what appeared to be an Apple Fritter in three, quick bites.  Personally, I think the Driver deserves a Big Tip:  "Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf is at 14th and Montana ...!" 

Saturday, November 24, 2007

BREAKING THE ICE AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

Excitement was in the air at 7th and Montana this morning as Susan -- formerly known as the Lizard Lady -- officially introduced her Australian Bearded Dragon, Sophia, to the crowd.  Fans of all ages flocked to meet Sophia as she basked in the sun on a chair of her own.  "Is this seat taken?" asked one man, rhetorically.  "I love your dog," said another.  Speaking of dogs, even Noah, the Rascally Golden Retriever, seemed hungry for an introduction to the Irresistible Reptile.  I guess it should come as no surprise that Sophia is such an Ice Breaker.  Susan herself broke the ice last night -- together with me and Kathy -- at the Santa Monica Winterlit Celebration, an outdoor skating rink sponsored by Our Favorite Starbucks ...!

Friday, November 23, 2007

PUPPY LOVE AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

   

Puppy Love was in the air at 7th and Montana today as a pair of Airedale Terriers made the scene, barking up a storm as they drove by in what appeared to be a Chauffeur-Driven SUV.  As if to show his disdain, Toby, Our Favorite Cocker Spaniel, turned a deaf ear to the proceedings and instead focused his full attention on Zoey, a Tibetan Terrier with Better Breeding.  Meanwhile, rumor has it that Charlie, the Irascible Sheepdog, has chewed up and spit out yet another Trainer.  The Trainer-in-Question -- having administered heavy doses of Aromatherapy, Soothing Music and Gentle Whispers to no avail -- now says that Charlie needs drugs.  Quick, pass the Puppy Prozac ...!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

DROPPING IN FOR THANKSGIVING AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Experts predict that more than 39 million Americans are traveling this week for Thanksgiving.  Perhaps that's why a group of Anonymous Daredevils at 7th and Montana today decided to take the concept of holiday travel to new heights by planning an impromptu Thanksgiving Skydive.  I guess that's one way to drop-in for a Turkey Dinner ...!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

SHANGRI LA DEE DA AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...

                             

It was Many Happy Returns at 7th and Montana yesterday as Howard and Cathy's friend, David, made the scene, renewed and refreshed from his sojourn in China where he was careful to avoid eating anything "suspicious."  The highlight of his trip was a visit to a small village in Tibet which, according to local legend, served as the basis for Shangri-La, the mythical paradise where visitors find inner peace, love and immortality.  "I can't believe you actually visited Shangri-La," I said, impressed.  "Yes," he replied, "It was boring.  There's nothing to do but watch a bunch of Tibetan Monks who run around like crazy sending text messages to each other on their cell phones."  Forget Shangri-la ...  I think David really discovered Paradise Lost!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

SCHOOL DAYS AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                 

School was in Session this morning at 7th and Montana as word spread that Paul is serving as a Guest Speaker today in Catherine's journalism class at Cal State Northridge.  Paul, a bona fide P.R. maven with his own marketing agency, will introduce Catherine's class to the fine points of Public Relations, a career that requires the patience of Job, an ability to deal with a variety of oddball characters and, above all, a sense of humor.  Come to think of it, maybe Catherine should just organize a Field Trip to 7th and Montana ...!

Monday, November 19, 2007

A GOOD DEED AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

An Anonymous Good Samaritan tried to do the right thing at 7th and Montana this morning.  The fun began when the Samaritan, pictured here, found a set of car keys near his table and tried his best to find the rightful owner.  "Hmmmm," said Catherine, carefully examining the keys in question, "those look like the keys to a Jaguar."  "Yes," I replied, "tempting, isn't it?"  In the end, the Samaritan gave the keys to Starbucks management who, I assume, have found the rightful owner by now.  If not, maybe Barista Rob can take us all for a Joy Ride ...?!?

Sunday, November 18, 2007

HAIRY ENCOUNTERS AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

    

Genevieve's friend, Donna (left), regaled the crowd at 7th and Montana this morning with tales of her Hairy Encounter last night with an Old Flame.  Years ago, Donna pulled the plug on a relationship with a young medical student by nixing a romantic rendezvous with him in Puerto Vallarta.  Now, more than 25 years later, an upcoming trip to Puerto Vallarta inspired her to fly to L.A. to see him again.  Will history repeat itself?  If this were Hollywood (which it is), the Old Flame would surprise her by magically appearing at her hotel in Puerto Vallarta to sweep her off her feet.  Unfortunately, the Script Writers are all on strike and the Flame-in-Question sounds like more of a Sterno Log.  Meanwhile, in other news, Kathy (right) made the scene today after a Hair-Raising Experience of her own.  She spent hours yesterday sailing around Marina del Rey in a four-bedroom Catamaran ...!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

A SAVAGE BEAST AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

  

They say that music has charms to soothe the savage beast ... and perhaps that explains the behavior of a Suspicious Music Aficionado in our midst this morning at 7th and Montana.  The Aficionado-in-Question -- a man in his early forties with all the glazed-over, semi-catatonic charm of a Zombie -- seemed intent on treating the crowd to an impromptu concert.  Shortly after 10:00 a.m., he meandered his way up 7th Street, set-up a Beach Chair on the sidewalk near Starbucks and began playing an eclectic selection of World Music from a Battered Boom Box on his lap.  As he rocked back and forth in his chair, I couldn't help noticing that he was sitting directly under a Neighborhood Watch sign which reads:  "We immediately report all SUSPICIOUS PERSONS and activities to our Police Dept. ...!"

Friday, November 16, 2007

A PINEAPPLE PLANTATION AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

An Unfortunate Fashion Victim lingered over the pastry counter this morning at 7th and Montana, dressed in what I can honestly say is the most tasteless pair of Pineapple-Coconut Pants I've ever seen.  I couldn't help wondering, "Are those pants really covered in larger-than-life Pineapples and Coconuts, or did Don Ho accidentally throw up on her?"  On the other hand, maybe she was just waiting for Starbucks to bring back the ever-popular Pineapple-Mango Empanada ... a short-lived treat that graced the pastry counter at 7th and Montana last Spring!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

ONE PERSON'S TRASH ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

                             

If it's true what they say -- that one person's trash is another person's treasure -- then Barista Rob and Robin stumbled across a veritable goldmine last night at 7th and Montana.  Rumor has it that they were trying to enjoy a quiet cup of coffee at Our Favorite Starbucks when a couple of Beer-Guzzling Interlopers crashed the party.  Inexplicably, one of the Interlopers introduced himself by saying, "I'm from Wisconsin ... and I'm very gassy."  According to Rob, the Interlopers were forced to leave and clean up their mess ... but their memory lingers on.  By the time I arrived this morning, their trash -- including more than a dozen beer cans -- was still on the scene.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

SHUT YER YAP AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Head for the Hills, folks!  A Pesky Pooch has taken up residence at 7th and Montana and his bark is worse than his bite.  The dog, an eight-month-old Cocker Spaniel named Jackson, yaps up a storm every time his owner turns her back.  Unfortunately, she turns her back a lot ... especially when a cup of coffee is involved.  "He sure does like you," I said to the owner as diplomatically as possible.  "Yes," she laughed, "And he's just so clumsy, always bumping into things ...!"  Let's hope he bumps into a muzzle.  Then again, I guess I'd be yapping, too, if someone put an inverted lampshade on my head ...!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

THE RETURN OF THE ONE-EYED BANDIT AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...

                             

Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana this morning as the infamous "One-Eyed Bandit" returned to Our Favorite Starbucks with some astonishing news:  He actually has two eyes.  As if to prove his point, he removed his Signature Orange Bandana -- the one which usually covers a good portion of his face -- and looked me straight in the eye.  I can tell you, the experience was a revelation.  I gained a whole new appreciation for Bright Orange Bandanas everywhere...

Monday, November 12, 2007

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A (DORIS) DAY MAKES ... !

                             

Susan -- formerly known as the "Lizard Lady" for her tendency to bring an Australian Bearded Dragon named Sophia with her to Starbucks -- arrived on the scene at 7th and Montana this morning, renewed and refreshed from her recent trip to Paris.  "You must be Martygord," she said.  "I've been looking forward to meeting you."  I must admit that it took me a brief moment to recognize Susan without a Reptile on her shoulder, but -- once I realized who she was -- I quickly invited her to join me.  Apparently, Susan had what she described as a "Doris Day" experience in Paris, fending off the unwanted advances of an Italian gentleman named Arturo who chased her around and around the hotel until the management finally had him removed.  Susan:  Next time, I suggest you consider bringing Sophia with you.  Nothing says "three's a crowd" quite like the presence of a Bearded Dragon on your shoulder ...!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

THE WRITERS STRIKE HITS HOME AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Neighbor Nat, a successful Hollywood Screenwriter, made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning, lingering long enough to share some inside perspective on the strike in progress by the Writers Guild of America against the Hollywood studios.  Like many, Nat took his place last week on the picket lines as the writers collectively demanded a percentage of the profits studios make by redistributing their work on DVD and the Internet.  I sympathize with the Writers on this one.  Home Entertainment is the biggest Cash Cow in Hollywood, accounting for roughly 60 percent of overall studio revenue.  Consumer spending on Home Entertainment software exceeds $24 billion a year in the U.S. alone, but the writers -- the men and women responsible for Hollywood's creative output -- see practically nothing of this.  Even though some of my best friends are studio executives, I would join the writers on the picket lines if I could.  Then, again, who wouldn't stand in line for a chance to shout "Come on Eva!  Oh, Be-hava!" at Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria as she crosses the picket line ...!  

Saturday, November 10, 2007

NATALIE TAKES A BORED EXAM ...!

                             

Dr. Natalie regaled the crowd at 7th and Montana this morning with tales of her recent experience taking the State Medical Board exam.  While no one doubts that she passed with flying colors, she evidently spent morning, noon and night studying.  Assuming she passed, perhaps she can help Richard, who just today announced that he's suffering from "Monovision."  I don't know exactly what Monovision is, but it's probably genetic.  Rumor has it his father was a Cyclops ...! 

Friday, November 9, 2007

A BOY AND HIS DOG AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Few things are more endearing than the sight of a boy and his dog.  That's why the crowd at 7th and Montana flocked to greet Little Alex yesterday as he arrived on the scene with his new Pet Pooch, "Clifford," in tow.  Fortunately, Alex doesn't seem too bothered by the fact that Clifford is a one-dimensional, wooden pull-toy.  He walks Clifford, talks to him and even pets him as if he were a real, live dog.  Next thing you know, Clifford will be shitting Big, Red Splinters ...!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

BIRTHDAYS AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

It was Many Happy Returns today at 7th and Montana as Kathy celebrated her birthday in High Style.  In a true testament to her popularity, Kathy has been deluged with calls and cards from her former clients.  Of course, given that she's a former Clinical Psychologist specializing in Multiple Personality Disorder, it's possible that a certain percentage of these Birthday Greetings are actually "duplicates."  Speaking of Birthdays, I couldn't help noticing that the crew at Our Favorite Starbucks began celebrating Christmas today.  Isn't it a little early for Egg Nog Latte ...?!?

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

A BOY NAMED SUE AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

An Angry Entrepreneur made the scene today at 7th and Montana, intent on slapping everyone in his path with a Nasty Lawsuit.  While I was quietly trying to read my newspaper in peace, the Entrepreneur-in-Question sat nearby, plotting what sounded like the Granddaddy of All Lawsuits in a tone of voice loud enough to wake Clarence Darrow.  As near as I can tell, his business venture failed thanks to a combination of "lazy good-for-nothings" and "slimeballs" ... all of whom are "part of the suit."  Naturally, I beat a hasty retreat before he could call me to testify.  I'll take Coffee Grounds over Legal Grounds any day ...!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

THE AMAZING FRITTERMAN AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

          

Stomachs were turning this morning at 7th and Montana as a Galloping Gourmet sidled-up to the counter and ordered an Apple Fritter.  "I don't believe it," I said, barely able to disguise my amazement, "Did you just order one of those Apple Fritters?"  "Yes," he said, "They're pretty good, believe it or not.  I like them for a change of pace."  I guess one person's change of pace is another's change of diaper ...! 

Monday, November 5, 2007

INTERLOPER AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Tension was in the air at 7th and Montana yesterday as an Anonymous Interloper made the scene, intent on "hogging up" the only available table without so much as paying for a cup of Starbucks coffee.  The fun began when the Interloper-in-Question put a coffee cup on the table next to mine and asked me to save his seat while he ran a quick errand.  I obliged, only to discover that his coffee came from "Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf," nearly 10 blocks away, and that his "errand" involved buying his pastry elsewhere.  Next time, I'm going to suggest that he "splurge" on an Apple Fritter ...!

Sunday, November 4, 2007

CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

Curb Your Enthusiasm, folks!  Writer-Comedian Larry David made the scene at 7th and Montana this weekend ... but I only managed to get a photo of him receding into the distance, surrounded by a group of teenagers.  My luck wasn't much better with California's First Lady, Maria Shriver, who drove by, as usual, with a bevy of Secret Service Agents in tow.  For those who don't know, Maria's brother, Bobby, lives nearby and has banded together with Bono of U2 to create (RED), a philanthropic effort encouraging businesses who sell (Red) merchandize to donate a percentage of their profit to fighting AIDS.  Bobby stopped by long enough on Friday to admire a photo of my new nephew, Jackson, wearing a (Red)-branded shirt which -- appropriately enough -- lets everyone know he was recently "Delive(red)" ...!

Saturday, November 3, 2007

TEACHING AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Tongues and tails were wagging at 7th and Montana this morning as word spread that Charlie, the lovable but irascible sheepdog, has a new trainer, the fourth in a series of professionals brought in to curb his nasty habit of lunging at other dogs.  "This time I found a real Dog Whisperer," explained Richard, "He spent four hours yesterday just talking to Charlie."  Evidently, Charlie's new training also involves plenty of Soothing Music and Aromatherapy.  Who knows ... if the training doesn't work on Charlie, perhaps Richard can try it on his new neighbor.  Rumor has it that Actor Mel Gibson was looking at a condo upstairs from Richard yesterday.  Gibson has been in the Hollywood Doghouse ever since his infamous Anti-Semitic Tirade last year.

Friday, November 2, 2007

STOCKING STUFFERS AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Christmas came early at 7th and Montana today as Howard and Cathy led a neighborhood effort to support the troops in Iraq by sending them holiday gift packages.  This year, 60 Lucky Soldiers will receive stockings chock full of useful and fun surprises ranging from skin cream and deodorant to paper, pens and books.  For my part, I donated a bunch of DVD movies, TV shows and music videos from a supply of discs that the studios are no longer promoting.  While Howard and Cathy seemed thrilled with my contribution, I must admit I had an ulterior motive.  After watching the likes of "Flight of the Living Dead," "Megadeth in Concert," and "Mormons:  A Documentary," I'm sure the troops will come rushing home in no time ...!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

NOISE POLLUTION ON SUNSET STRIP ...!

                             

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Gabbie," the Omnipresent Orator of Sunset Strip.  Every day at lunchtime, Gabbie sets up shop at the quaint sidewalk cafe near my office, where she specializes in gabbing up a storm on her cell phone in a voice so loud, so nasal and so irritating you would think she took elocution lessons from Fran Drescher.   Yesterday, for example, she seemed intent on calling everyone in her wide circle of friends for advice regarding what to get her boyfriend for his birthday.  I took advantage of a break in the conversation to offer some advice.  "I couldn't help overhearing that you're looking for a special gift," I said.  "Might I suggest a pair of Noise-Canceling Headphones ...?"