BABY NEW YEAR AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                   

Good News, Folks:  Baby New Year is alive and well ... and working behind the cash register at Our Favorite Starbucks.  As proof, I offer the following exchange: 

New Cashier:  What's this?!?

Me:  It's a penny.

New Cashier:  Are you sure?  It has something funny on it.

Me:  Oh, it's a Wheat Penny.  I haven't seen one of those in a while.

New Cashier:  A What Penny?

Me:  Not a What Penny, a Wheat Penny.  They stopped making them in the '70s.

New Cashier:  Oh, the '70s ...!!

And then it struck me.  To her, the '70s is a distant epoch, something you study in history class, like the Paleolithic or Pleistocene era.  Later, as I watched the final sunset of the year at Santa Monica State Beach, I hatched a Devious Plan for the New Year.  Tomorrow, I'm bringing a fistful of useless Dutch Guilders with me to Starbucks and I'm going to tell the cashier they're special Silver Dollars salvaged from the wreck of a ship that sank in 1962 ...!

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A PANAMANIAC IN OUR MIDST ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Kathy regaled the crowd at 7th and Montana this morning with tales from her holiday in Panama.  While she had a great time -- canopying across the rain forest, suspended by a rope and harness over waterfalls in a torrential downpour -- the flight home transformed the normally Happy-go-Lucky traveler into a Virtual Panamaniac.  The fun began at customs in Mexico City, where she had to change planes.  "On the way there, it was simple, I just hopped from one gate to the other," she said.  "But on the way back it was a nightmare."  Not only did Mexican Customs Officials put her through the ringer, they made her go back and forth across the airport so many times she missed her flight and had to be re-routed through Mazatlan.  Indeed, Mexico City Airport is notorious.  Maybe -- before Kathy's next visit -- we should suggest they set up a rope and harness system to get her from one end of the airport to the other ...!

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SOPHIA AND THE AMBER SPYGLASS ...!

                             

Sophia, everyone's Favorite Australian Bearded Dragon, was lost in a good book today at 7th and Montana.  Her reading material of choice -- The Amber Spyglass -- is the third in Author Philip Pullman's award-winning, coming-of-age trilogy about two children who wander through a series of parallel universes.  While Sophia appeared to find the book "gripping," I suspect she'd prefer an Amber Spyglass full of Live Crickets ...!

A NEW LOOK FOR THE NEW YEAR ... AT OUR FAVORITE FIXER UPPER!

                  

Change was in the air this morning at Our Favorite Fixer Upper as a work crew arrived on the scene, intent on beginning a badly-needed renovation.  "You won't recognize this place when we're done," said the Construction Supervisor, "We're doing major repairs and reconstruction.  We'll be done next week!"  The home in question -- at the corner of 7th and Alta -- achieved notoriety several years ago when it was purchased for $1.7 million by a would-be investor, presumably as a "tear down."  However, rather than tearing it down, the new owner simply abandoned the property, leaving it to the elements.  In the space of a few short years, the home subsequently suffered every indignity imaginable:  The Santa Monica Police Department accidentally used it for target practice, leaving a gaping hole in the roof;  An enterprising high school student broke-in, turning the home into his very own "Love Shack;" and a Homeless Man took up residence, burning the floorboards for firewood and transforming the master bedroom into a makeshift toilet.  Today's news that the home is finally being renovated was greeted with skepticism locally.  Said one area resident, "Forget the work crew, what that place needs is a Wrecking Ball ...!"

FROM 7TH AND MONTANA TO KILIMANJARO ...!

                             

The crowd at 7th and Montana rejoiced this morning on news that Ace Photographer Kovar is moving up in the world.  A new assignment will take him to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro next month to film a documentary.  "I've got a list of things I need to bring with me," he said, "starting with a pair of waterproof boots."  Kovar also intends to bring a piece of 7th and Montana with him.  Based on the advice of his producers -- who suggested he bring an Empty Receptacle to urinate in -- Kovar plans to pack a "to go" cup from Starbucks, signed by his friends at 7th and Montana.  Knowing how much these cups tend to dribble, I suggested he consider investing in a Commuter Mug, instead, but Kovar wouldn't hear of it.  I guess he didn't want to piss away his money ...!

THE SEEDY SIDE OF 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

It was Many Happy Returns at 7th and Montana this morning as Terry and Fabrizio made the scene fresh from their season in Tuscany.  Known as the Ultimate Cultivated Couple, Terry and Fabrizio split their time between homes in Florence and Santa Monica.  This year, however, they're cultivating in more ways than one as Terry presented Bob and Joyce with packets of Italian seeds for their patch in the "Community Garden."  This year's harvest will include tomatoes, onions and zucchini from Italy.  Welcome Home, Terry and Fabrizio.  Your roots may be in Italy but it's nice to have you back at 7th and Montana ...!

NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

                   

Not a creature was stirring coffee or anything else at 7th and Montana today as the "Powers that Be" closed Our Favorite Starbucks for the Holiday.  Like many others, I was forced to walk an entire block -- a full 138 steps -- to the next Starbucks.  Frankly, I've always found this "other" Starbucks to be something of a No Man's Land.  Today, however, it was filled with Traitors, regulars like me who made the Exodus from 7th and Montana.  As if to pacify us, Starbucks played Classic Christmas Carols and handed out cups with the following message:  "A good way to pass the cheer when you're on the road is to pay the toll for the car behind you.  Do this and you might start to look at stoplights as holiday lights instead.  Red means stop and be thankful for a moment.  Green means go out and do nice things."  I think I'll stick with the Starbucks at 7th and Montana where "red" means angry and "green" means there's a good chance you've smashed your car into the Curb from Hell.  Merry Christmas, Everyone ...!

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THE GOVERNOR AND THE REPTILE ... AT 7TH AND MONTANA!

                             

Don't bother asking Santa whether California Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger has been naughty or nice ... the answer is abundantly clear based on his behavior yesterday at 7th and Montana.  Schwarzenegger, 60, was caught flirting shamelessly with Sophia, the Australian Bearded Dragon.  "Hey, look a Lizard," Schwarzeneger yelled from his convertible sportscar.  "That's fantastic.  Yah, I want to hold her!"  Schwarzeneger fondled Sophia at length before passing her over to his daughter, Christina.  Said one local source, "I guess Arnold has a strange fascination with reptiles."  Let's hope Maria doesn't find out ...!

THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

    

It's that time of year at 7th and Montana where there's something special in the air, an almost infectious, magical feeling that unites us all.  That's why it was no surprise today when a Mysterious Newcomer -- known only as "Sally Streptococcus" -- made the scene, coughing and wheezing her way to the table next to mine.  "Good Lord," groaned Joyce, as she retreated into her vest for safety.  Happy Holidays, folks.  I guess this is what they mean when they say it's better to give than to receive.  Tomorrow, I'll bring Surgical Masks for Everyone ...! 

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN ... AFTER A BRIEF STOP AT STARBUCKS!

                             

Santa made the scene at 7th and Montana today but, strangely enough, he pulled up in a Snazzy Sportscar Convertible instead of a sleigh and he had a cell phone glued to his ear.  "I can't talk now, babe," he muttered into the phone, cutting his call short, "I'm heading into Starbucks."  I guess it's official:  Nothing is Sacred.  Inside sources say he didn't even order an Egg Nog Latte ...!   

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REVENGE OF THE KING ... AT 7TH AND ALTA!

                             

Whoever said that "revenge is a dish best served cold," may have had our Friendly Neighborhood King of the Road in mind.  The King -- known for parking his unsightly motor home for days on end in front of other people's houses -- disappeared several months ago.  But he didn't go quietly.  It took a team of local officials to finally "convince" him to hit the road.  Now, new evidence suggests that the King might be finally getting his revenge.  A veritable fleet of Motor Homes has suddenly begun parking near the site of the King's "final confrontation" at 7th and Alta.  Inside sources suspect foul play ...!

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A SAD REVELATION AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Eyes were popping this morning at 7th and Montana as the Notorious One-Eyed Bandit -- known for wearing a bright orange bandana over one eye -- made a bold, new fashion statement.  "What do you think of my new hat?," he asked, cackling.  His hat, pictured here, resembled a cross between a vintage, 1950's-style "Pillbox" and a pair of inside out underwear, held in place by a drawstring.  "Very stylish," I said, "I've never seen anything like it!"  "What?!?," he replied, "I can't hear you ...!"  I repeated myself several times before coming to a new conclusion:  I think we have a One-Eared Bandit on our hands ...! 

ELEVATOR REPAIR AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                                   

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the men from Amtech Elevator Services, a hardworking pair of Elevator Repairmen who use Our Favorite Starbucks as a base station.  Every morning at 7:30, they can be found at the same table, waiting for a call from headquarters.  By 8:00, they're usually rushing off to the scene of an "elevator emergency."  Frankly, until I saw these two in action, I never would have dreamed there were so many faulty elevators in our neighborhood.  Then, again, perhaps Amtech specializes in helping people whose elevators don't go all the way to the top ...! 

ALOHA, YOUR COFFEE ON MY FLOOR ...!

                             

Ace Photographer Kovar just returned from his Secret Mission to Maui ... and not a moment too soon.  Apparently, the owner of the cafe near where he was staying drove him crazy.  "I would go in there and order a cup of coffee," Kovar explained, "But the owner of the shop had other ideas."  In an effort to avoid coffee spills, the owner would serve Kovar a cup of coffee, but kept moving the cup further and further away from him.  Every time Kovar would pull the cup towards him, the owner would quietly pull it away.  When Kovar finally asked what was going on, the owner looked at him and said, "Aloha ... Your Coffee on My Floor!" -- which, roughly translated, means, "Hey, you mainland slob, drink your coffee and get out ...!"

MORE TALES FROM THE HOLLYWOOD PICKET LINES ...!

                             

Screenwriter Mark made an appearance today at 7th and Montana, fresh from the Hollywood picket lines.  Talking to Mark really puts the strike in perspective.  For the studios, the goal is to control costs.  For the writers, it's personal.  Many writers fear that unless they are adequately compensated for their work -- especially when it is repurposed on the Internet -- they risk potentially losing their pensions and health benefits.  Meanwhile, the studios -- who seem to be trying to "starve out" the writers -- have set-up an online meter showing just how much money is at stake.  According to this meter, the strike has already cost writers more than $120 million and counting.

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HANGING AROUND AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Baby Hudson made the scene at 7th and Montana today, clearly delighted as his father, Greg, held him upside down for a change of pace.  "Hold that pose," I said, as the blood rushed to Hudson's head, "This will make a great shot."  Like his grandparents -- Howard and Cathy -- it's obvious that Hudson enjoys hanging around Starbucks ...!

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THE PHILOSOPHER'S WALK ...!

More than sixty years ago, a renowned Japanese philosopher, Kitaro Nishida, made his mark on Kyoto by walking back and forth along a tree-lined footpath on the banks of the canal leading from the centuries-old Silver Pavilion to the Eikando Temple.  Day after day, like clockwork, he walked along the carefully cultivated pathway, creating his own road to spiritual enlightenment in the process.  Today, this trail is called Philosopher's Walk in Nishida's memory and it has become something of a Thinking Man's Yellow Brick Road.  I checked it out this morning, following the flagstone pathway as it wound its way through quiet, residential streets, past shrines, temples and artisans' workshops.  Interestingly, there wasn't a Starbucks to be found but -- fear not -- I'm on my way home and the first thing I'll do on arriving this afternoon is take a nice, philosophical walk to 7th and Montana!

"WAITER, THERE'S A TENTACLE IN MY SOUP ...!"

Anyone who has ever been to Japan knows that the food can be a bit fishy.  Don't get me wrong, I like sushi as much as the next guy, but I draw the line when it comes to eating a live fish, eel or squid.  My experience at lunch yesterday was a case-in-point:

Me:  What's this?

My Colleague from China:  I think it's a sea slug.  You should give it a try.

Me:  You're joking, right?  Next time, don't take me so literally when I suggest we grab some grub ...!

For the record, here are some photos of my Culinary Encounters this week, including:  Pink Rice with Shrimp Eyes (which I accidentally mistook for sesame seeds),  Sea Slug with Hollandaise Sauce, Crustacean Crunch, and Tentacle Surprise ...! 

 

A STROLL AROUND KYOTO ...!

Last night I had a chance to walk around Kyoto with some colleagues.  Kyoto is a beautiful city, one of my favorites in Japan and it's filled with historic temples and monuments.  In just 45-minutes, we covered four temples, various oddities and a Starbucks.  The temples, two of which are pictured here, were breathtaking.  One of them dated back to 749 A.D.  I also passed a strange and suspicious building with a banner hanging out front reading "Individual Satisfaction Act."  I can't imagine what goes on in that building, but it looked like a cheap hotel.  Later, I saw an unusual bike with a round, wooden steering wheel under a Christmas Tree.  The Japanese call this kind of bike an "Angel Cycle."  My tour culminated in a trip to Starbucks.  The Starbucks in Kyoto is much like the Starbucks at 7th and Montana ... except that instead of Apple Fritters, they specialize in Beef Stew Pie ...! 

AND TOTO, TOO ...!

What do you give the person who has everything this Holiday Season?  Gaz, a reader from the U.K., inspired me by raising the following question about my hotel in Kyoto:  "Do you have the toilets with warm seats that wash and wipe your bottoms, too? ... P.S.:  I kinda like them!"  I'm pleased to report that the Hotel Granvia offers the Granddaddy of all Toilets, the Toto Washlet.  It oscillates. It ventilates.  It lubricates.  It even dispenses "free odor" at the push of a button.  What's more, it can be yours for the low, low price of $1,228.50.  Is it worth it?  Personally, I think it's a crap shoot.  The last time I pressed the buttons on one of these beauties, I inadvertently flooded the men's room at the nicest restaurant in Fukuoka ...!

CAFE FRANKENSTEIN: KYOTO'S ANSWER TO STARBUCKS ...!

                             

I'm back in Kyoto, one of my favorite cities in Japan, for a series of meetings this week.  While I haven't had a chance yet to explore much of the city, one trend seems clear:  Starbucks is taking over.  Last time I was in Kyoto -- about a year-and-a-half ago -- I struggled to find a single Starbucks (A Tale of Two Starbucks).  Tonight, however, I've already seen four of them.  I still prefer the Cafe in my hotel, the Hotel Granvia Kyoto, where they prepare coffee in large, glass beakers and heat it over a contraption, pictured here, that looks like it came from Frankenstein's Lab.  What next, Breakfast in a Petrie Dish ...?!?

MEET MR. OINCK ...!

                             

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Mr. Oinck," the scourge of United Flight #885 to Osaka.  Shortly after we reached a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet, Mr. Oinck began clipping his fingernails and -- I suspect -- his toenails, as well.  Passengers watched in amazement as he allowed the clippings to fall on and around his seat.  Later, for some inexplicable reason, he pulled the cushion from his seat, scattering the clippings around a wider radius.  I guess Mr. Oinck is a lucky man.  Had we encountered any turbulence while he was clipping his nails, there's a good chance that "this little piggy" would have gone to market, permanently ...! 

FINDING RELIGION AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Eyes were popping yesterday as Phil and Genevieve found a hidden Treasure Trove -- including a Silver Cross, a Habitat for Humanity token, some Somalian currency and an Olympic Medallion -- on the sidewalk near 7th and Montana.  "Who do you think it belongs to?," I asked, half-wondering what a Philanthropic Somalian Athlete would be doing at Our Favorite Starbucks.  "I don't know," said Phil, "but I think we should give it to the Starbucks management in case someone comes looking for it."  As if on cue, Sophia, the Australian Bearded Dragon, made a bee-line for the cross.  Rumor has it she's part Praying Mantis ...!     

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOYCE ...!

                             

It was a day of quiet rejoicing at 7th and Montana today as Joyce celebrated her birthday in High Style.  Actually, the celebration was a bit muted based on the fact that the Birthday Girl slipped away to run some errands before anyone could say "Happy Birthday."  Rumor has it she was afraid we'd present her with a Luminous Apple Fritter ...!

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MOUNTING PRESSURE AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Barkley, a Rascally Retriever with an Embarrassing Problem:  He humps anything that moves.  "You know how it is," his owner, a newcomer at 7th and Montana, explained this morning, "He's nine-months-old and is at that stage where he likes to hump everything."  As I watched the Amorous Pooch in action, I couldn't help thinking, "If this is what Barkley is like at nine months, I'd hate to see him when he goes through the Terrible Twos."  On the other hand, maybe all he needs is a Good Trainer to get him over the Hump ...!

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ALEX TO THE RESCUE AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

It was Alex to the rescue this morning at 7th and Montana as word spread of a potential threat to Our Favorite Starbucks.  Rumor has it that three of the Starbucks locations in Santa Monica -- not including "our own" -- have recently been robbed at gunpoint.  Wasting no time, Alex grabbed Robin's cell phone, including her ear piece, and contacted Local Authorities to demand immediate action.  Either that, or he was calling Afghanistan.  In any case, sources close to the situation report that the police have apprehended a suspect described only as "An Over-Caffeinated Desperado ...!"

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SANTA NEEDS CLAWS AT 7TH AND SAN VICENTE ...!

                             

The crowd at Starbucks was buzzing this morning on rumors of pending litigation against the architect responsible for the whimsical new home at 7th and San Vicente better known as "Casa del Bozo."  According to top legal experts, the home in question -- with its various twists, turns, and sharp, pointed angles -- constitutes a serious health risk to Santa Clause.  "Santa could break his neck trying to visit that house," said one local observer, "There's no place for him to land his sleigh and there's no fireplace whatsoever!"  Meanwhile, in related news, new evidence suggests that rust from the Mottled Metal sheeting covering the top story of the controversial home has begun to drip, leaving an unsightly, indelible mark running down the Western facade ...!

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STRIKING THE SET ...!

                             

A Gaggle of Comedy Writers spent all day picketing in front of Sony Pictures today, marching back and forth in front of the Main Gate with signs reading "No Money, No Funny!"  However, despite appearances to the contrary, it's obvious that the Screenwriters have maintained their sense of humor.  Just last week, a group of more than 65 Horror Writers staged a Mock Exorcism in front of Warner Bros., chanting "Out, Demon, Out" in an effort to rid the studio of what they described as an infestation of evil.  Many insiders fear that the strike could drag on for months as the Writers Guild continues to demand a piece of the pie when their work is redistributed on DVD or the Internet.

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CRUNCH TIME AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

It was "Snap, Crackle, Pop" this morning at 7th and Montana as a Jovial Motorist introduced his Snazzy BMW to the Curb from Hell the hard way, ripping loose a portion of his bumper.  Indeed, the impact could be heard clear across 7th Street.  "Don't worry," I told him, "People crunch their cars against that curb all the time ... it's nothing to feel embarrassed about."  "I know," he smiled, "It's that damned metal reinforcement on the Curb."  Oh well, at least not too many people witnessed his humiliation.  For anyone who missed it, I have some additional photos, including one taken shortly after the moment of impact ...! 

FAEMA AND FORTUNE AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Quick, call FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency!  An influx of Fashion-Impaired Bicyclists Wearing Skin-Tight Clown Suits reached epidemic proportions at 7th and Montana this morning.  The gentleman pictured here, wearing what looked like a FEMA uniform, is a case-in-point.  "Are you with FEMA?," I asked, wondering whether his outfit alone might qualify the neighborhood for some Disaster Relief.  "No," he replied, "I'm with FAEMA, on Old Dutch Company."  I don't know much about FAEMA.  Perhaps they specialize in the development of Lycra Stretch Pants ...!

DANCING WITH THE STARBUCKS AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

America's Favorite TV Host, Tom Bergeron, made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning, stopping by long enough to share the inside scoop on his hit show Dancing With The Stars and to answer some pointed questions about Marie Osmond's recent Disastrous Doll Dance on the show.  Screenwriter Kathy, a diehard Dancing with the Stars fan, couldn't resist asking Tom where he gets his dialogue.

Kathy:  You're so funny on the show, your lines are so witty.  Are you scripted?

Tom:  Well, it's mostly just Ad Lib.

Kathy:  That's great.  So does someone write your lines?

Tom:   Like I said, a lot of it is Ad Lib.  It would be hard for someone to write that!

In Kathy's defense, she was apparently functioning on very little sleep this morning.  Meanwhile, as for Marie Osmond, rumor has it she's dancing all the way to the bank with a new line of dolls -- the "Adora Belles" -- based on her controversial doll dance!