LAX SECURITY ...?!?

Greetings, friends, from the Red Carpet lounge at LAX. Like 3.2 million other Americans, I'm flying today to spend Thanksgiving with my family. They say that today is one of the "worst" travel days of the year, that the airports are a nightmare, but I'm prepared. I have a secret weapon: The Barbour Classic Beaufort Jacket. I could wax poetic about how this masterpiece of British construction is especially designed for hunting (it's coated in wax), but the real secret of its success as far as I'm concerned is a pair of zippers that convert the entire back of the coat into a secret storage compartment. Today I decided to use it to store some gifts I couldn't fit in my suitcase. "Excuse me, sir, you're going to have to consolidate your luggage," said the Airport Security Guard, "You're only allowed two carry-ons." I knew Airport Security was going to be extra tight today and I was ready. "Well," I replied, pointing at my luggage "I only have two bags." "What do you call that?," asked the Guard. "A jacket!," I said, smugly. "It's awfully lumpy," said the Guard. Indeed, the stuffed animal I had jammed in my secret compartment made me look like Quasimodo. "Excuse me?," I said, "Are you calling me Lumpy?" "Oh, never mind," said the Guard, "Carry on!" And that's exactly what I did ...!