DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL ...!

Bells were ringing in my hotel room here in Miyazaki this morning as I made the mistake of picking-up the mysterious "Emergency Phone" hanging over my toilet. O.K., I'll admit it, for three days now I've been wondering, "Why does my toilet come with an Emergency Phone?" Japanese toilets tend to be extremely high-tech and the one in my hotel room is no exception. The seats are heated, various buttons shoot streams of water in different directions and, every time you sit down, birds chirp. But, in all my travels throughout Japan, this is the first time I've ever seen a toilet that comes with its own, private "Batphone." I had to pick it up, just to see if Commissioner Gordon was on the other end. He wasn't. Instead, after several seconds, the phone started screeching uncontrollably. I knew it was just a matter of time before men in white lab coats came to take me away. Thinking quickly, I called the front desk. "Hello," I said, "I'm sorry to bother you but I accidentally set off an alarm in my room. Could you turn it off?" "Is everything OK?," asked the concierge. "Everything's fine," I said, "Nothing a little Kaopectate can't handle ...!"