DUEL AT 30,000 FEET ...!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Audie Bull, the scourge of United Flight #139 from New Orleans to Los Angeles. I had the pleasure of sitting next to Audie yesterday and, take it from me, he's a shoe-in to succeed Ted Turner in the Mouth from the South department. I knew something was up from the moment he sat down. "Girlie," he shouted to the Flight Attendant, "Bring me a Bloody Mary." It was 6:20 a.m. and the flight hadn't taken off yet. Two hours and four Bloody Marys later, he was shouting his life story to a group of six college girls who were sitting three rows ahead of us. When it was obvious that they weren't listening, he ordered Bloody Marys for the lot of them and two more for himself. With each Bloody Mary he became successively louder. An hour later, he cracked open a newspaper and began reading the real estate section aloud. "I'm from the Bayou," he shouted, "We sure know how to live down there and man-oh-man houses in my neck of the woods are cheap!" He spread his newspaper across not only his own, but my tray table, as well, and busied himself lining up mini bottles of vodka across the armrest between our seats. "Girlie," he shouted to the Flight Attendant, "I'll take another Bloody Mary!" By this point, I knew it was time to retaliate. I asked the Flight Attendant for a Yogurt Parfait, which was the only item they had left on their "meals on board" menu. When "Audie" wasn't looking, I began spooning the Parfait bit by bit over his newspaper, starting with the Sports section and working my way to the Funny Pages. I didn't stop until I covered every page that was sitting on my tray table. "Lordy, what a mess!," he shouted. While he was busy trying to wipe his newspaper off with a cocktail napkin, I knocked the mini vodka bottles off the armrest between our seats. Why, you might ask, do I end up sitting next to these Goofballs on nearly every flight I take? I guess it's just Parfait for the course ...!