SQUIDDLEY DIDDLEY GETS A LOBOTOMY ... IN KYOTO!

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet "Ilsa the Inscrutable," the most Mysterious Waitress in all of Kyoto ... or at least that's how it seemed last night. You see, my local colleague -- the woman who usually joins my group and serves as a translator at various dinners when we're in Japan -- flew the coop yesterday. She organized my dinner, including a fixed menu at a popular Sukiyaki restaurant, and then headed back to Tokyo. All that was left, she said, was for me to smile and nod while the waitress brought out dish after dish of Japanese delicacies. You can imagine my surprise, however, when Ilsa brought me this:

"No thanks," I said, politely, "I had tentacles for lunch." "Yummy, yummy," Ilsa replied. I could tell I wasn't going to get anywhere with this and, besides, truth be told, tentacles aren't all that bad, especially when you're hungry. "Thank you," I said, "But what's this?" I was pointing at the tender morsel directly below the tentacles in the photo above. "It's the tops," she said. At first I thought she meant it was the specialty of the house, but I've long since learned not to take anything for granted in restaurants where the wait staff doesn't speak English. Once you've been served the testicles of a codfish or chicken ass on a stick, you don't leave anything to chance. "Thanks," I said, turning my attention back to my plate, "But is it animal or vegetable?" In the end, it turned out to be a little of both: It was the top of a squid's head, which, when tilted at a certain angle, served as a cup filled with brain matter. If that's not enough to make Squiddley Diddley a vegetable, nothing is ...!