BATTER UP AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

A Budding Entrepreneur made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning, intent on selling everyone copies of his very own book about baseball.  As he hopped from table-to-table, striking out all the way, his pitch became increasingly frenetic.  "You look like a baseball fan," he said to me, hopefully.  "Not especially," I replied, "Why do you ask?"  He went on to describe the book in riveting detail, positioning it as the ideal gift.  Failing all else, he finally said, "I'm telling you, this book is so good that if you give it to a Baseball Fan, they'll end up reading it in the bathroom and you'll never see them again."  Now that's what I call a "Foul Ball!"         

BOZO'S BIG TOP AT 7TH AND SAN VICENTE ...!

                             

Tongues were wagging across Santa Monica this morning on reports that the controversial new home under construction at 7th and San Vicente has been commissioned by none other than Bozo the Clown.  Indeed, signs of Bozo's handiwork became increasingly apparent today as workers put the finishing touches on a series of new additions to the Triple Decker Monstrosity, including:  (1) A Triangular Window facing San Vicente;  (2) A Stairway within a Stairway to Nowhere;  (3) A Wooden Appendage hanging over the front door;  (4) Walls which bend and curve like a Fun House Mirror and -- last but not least -- (5) Gaping Holes facing my bedroom.  For once, I hope the experts are right when they predict a crash in local real estate!   

CELEBRITIES IN "TRANSFORMATION ..."

                  

We're all used to seeing larger-than-life celebrities at 7th and Montana, but my experience at last night's premiere of Steven Spielberg's latest film, Transformers, takes the concept to new heights.  In place of the usual line-up of A-list celebrities, the stars on the red carpet -- and the main characters in the film -- were 200-foot tall Robots.  Inside sources tell me that work on the film was in many ways "liberating" given that inanimate objects don't expect much "celebrity treatment."  It must also have been more lucrative, given that the entire premise of the film is based on a set of toys you can buy from Hasbro which transform into cars and trucks you can buy from Chevy.  Despite the obvious commercialism, the film itself is a lot of fun and loaded with action.  The premiere was also larger-than-life, taking up four separate theaters in Westwood, followed by a party that occupied an entire city block.  The movie opens next week.

A DOG'S LIFE AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                                  

They say "whatever Lola wants, Lola gets" but if she's not careful, Lola is going to get more than she bargained for at 7th and Montana.  Lola, my neighbor's pugnacious French Bulldog, has taken an obvious liking to the crowd at Starbucks.  The only problem is, Our Favorite Sheepdog Charlie sees Lola as breakfast.  He hates all French Bulldogs, without exception.  Will Lola pluck up the courage to return to 7th and Montana?  Will Charlie develop a sense of chivalry?  Will Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan show up with a camera crew?  Time will tell ...!

THE "TUNA NAZI" OF SUNSET STRIP ...!

    

Tempers were flaring today in what has become known throughout Hollywood as the Great Tuna War of 2007.  The battle lines were first drawn some months ago when my colleague, Lisa, tried to order a Tuna Melt at the quaint sidewalk cafe near our office on Sunset Strip.  "No," said the woman behind the counter.  "We cannot make you a Tuna Melt.  We do not serve Tuna Melts!"  Moments later, when I arrived on the scene, she smiled sweetly and said, "What will it be, sir, a Tuna Melt?"  Since then, this woman -- known to insiders simply as The Tuna Nazi -- has showered me with Tuna Melts while steadfastly refusing to make one for Lisa.  New evidence suggests that she also refuses to grill Lisa's Panini.  Poor Lisa ... I'm afraid she's heading for a Meltdown! 

DR. NATALIE, I PRESUME ...?!?

                             

Cheers erupted at 7th and Montana this morning as word spread that Dr. Natalie has just completed her residency and officially begins her new job at St. John's Medical Center in August.  Meanwhile, in another sign that the Koubek Clan is changing more than just diapers these days, Greg and Natalie confessed that they've been quietly frequenting the new Starbuck's at Lincoln and Montana.  Apparently, they've "defected" based on the fact that the new Starbucks is serving hot breakfast.  Hot breakfast sounds nice but I can't help wondering what's on the menu, Eggs Benedict Arnold?!?

ESCAPE TO SKOPELOS ...?!?

     

Our Friendly Neighborhood "Antagonist" made the scene at 7th and Montana this morning, armed with a handful of vitriolic quotes designed to fuel a racial debate.  While he passed around a sheet entitled "Hispanic Leaders Speak Out" -- chock full of anger and racism -- a number of us quietly planned an escape to Skopelos, a Greek island in the Aegean Sea, known for its beautiful beaches, caves and lack of hateful literature.  Genevieve, who visited the island last year, offered to help organize an Exodus ...!  

ALIENATED AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...?!?

                             

Quick, call out a search party!  Genevieve's mysterious "acquaintance" -- a former blind date who insists he was once abducted by aliens from a distant galaxy -- is missing.  While the Local Eccentric is known to hang out at Marmalade Cafe, right across from Our Favorite Starbucks, a brief site inspection this morning revealed that he was nowhere to be found.  Inside sources speculate that he was either out golfing or circling Uranus!   

A RARE FASHION STATEMENT AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

     

Tongues were wagging this morning at 7th and Montana as an unidentified woman arrived on the scene sporting the "end all" in fashion statements:  a skin-tight pair of sweatpants with the word "GOTCHA" emblazoned across her behind.  While spectators were left wondering what exactly she's "got" (hemorrhoids?  diarrhea?  gas?) I quietly tried to get a close-up photo.  Unfortunately, as if to say "Gotcha," the man behind me in line noticed my tasteless photographic efforts and glared at me.  To my horror, he turned out to be a priest carrying a bible under his arm.  At least he didn't try to tell me that "the end is near" ...!

THE WRITE STUFF AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

      

The intersection of 7th and Montana became a veritable "writers block" this morning as some of Hollywood's finest writing talent made the scene.  Indeed, between Nat -- pictured here meeting with an aspiring screenwriter -- and brothers Rob and Mark who were busy cranking out another TV show, the creative juices seemed to be flowing as much as the caffeine.  Maybe that's what inspired the latest newcomer -- a woman known among insiders simply as "Anne O. Tate" -- to ply her skills.  Inside sources report that for some time now, "Anne" has spent hours on end each morning at Starbucks painstakingly annotating every item in The Los Angeles Times.  Is she looking for script ideas or have we found yet another nutcase-in-our-midst?  Time will tell ...!

A NEW ADVERTISING VEHICLE AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

What could our friendly, neighborhood King of the Road -- known for parking his Gargantuan Tioga Trailer in front of other people's houses for days on end -- possibly do to achieve further notoriety at 7th and Montana?  He could turn the trailer into an unsightly promotional vehicle, that's what!  In recent days, the King has begun draping the trailer with advertising in an effort to promote his various creative endeavors which range from acting appearances in such movies as Ocean's Thirteen and Jerry McGuire to a surprising number of appearances on the Reality TV show Blind Date.  In addition, he's written a book chronicling one man's search for love aboard twelve cruise ships and has appeared numerous times on The Tonight Show, most recently pitching his concept for a new TV series involving Celebrities in Space.  With all these creative irons in the fire, no wonder he's too busy to move his trailer!  

A CASE OF INDECENT EXPOSURE AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...?!?

                        

Local authorities are on the lookout for a possible suspect in the ongoing disappearance of newspapers from the vicinity of 7th and Montana.  The suspect, known to insiders as "Boobs Mahoney," allegedly frequents Our Favorite Starbucks during the early morning hours, distracts patrons long enough to grab their newspaper and flees the scene without so much as buying a cup of coffee.  He is described as a heavy-set man in his '70s wearing white shorts and no shirt.  Sources close to the investigation said, "No formal charges have been filed, but we're certainly keeping abreast of the situation ..."

A THREE-RING CIRCUS AT GOOSE EGG PARK ...!

                          

Quick, call the Ringling Brothers:  A gaggle of Unicyclists has descended upon Goose Egg Park and they're turning it into a Three-Ring Circus.  Granted, Goose Egg Park has long served as a gathering spot for all kinds of Loons -- ranging from Tai Chi addicts who strike strange, birdlike poses to Transcendental Meditationists who quietly chant amidst oncoming traffic -- but this latest group is definitely one wheel short of a caravan!  What next, The Flying Wallendas?!?

BARELY RESTRAINING OURSELVES AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

California Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger made a Father's Day appearance this morning at 7th and Montana in his souped-up Army Hummer.  While the crowd barely took notice of Arnold's arrival, tongues were wagging over the fact that his kids -- seated in the "third row jump seats" -- didn't seem to be wearing any seat belts.  California's Private Passenger Safety Act states that "it is unlawful for any parent or legal guardian, when present in a private passenger motor vehicle to permit his or her child or ward who is between 4 and 16 years of age to be transported on the highway in the vehicle without using a safety belt."  Then again, if Arnold wants to "hit the road" with his kids on Father's Day, I guess that's his business ...!  

SCHOOL'S IN SESSION AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...

                             

It was a lesson in extremes this morning at 7th and Montana as newcomer Carole joined the growing chorus of insiders concerned about the state of our educational system.  Genevieve and Carole -- both veterans of the same School of Hard Knocks -- regaled me with stories of underfunded programs, less-than-feasible salaries and bratty students.  Moments later, Bob and Liz arrived on-the-scene, renewed and refreshed from their volunteer program, where they provided 20 lucky students with free laptop computers.  What gives?  Are we raising a nation of borderline criminals or is our school system filled with little darlings who deserve free computers?  Like everything else, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle ...!

GOODBYE, EUCALYPTUS ...!

                             

Another towering Eucalyptus Tree bit the dust this morning on 7th Street, the victim of a work crew intent on practicing some Eucalyptus Euthanasia.  Given that the tree-in-question looked perfectly healthy, I couldn't help questioning one of the workers on the scene.  "It has to come down," he said as he hacked the specimen to pieces limb-by-limb.  "We found a little mold on its roots."  Be that as it may, I couldn't help wondering if the City is getting a bit too draconian for its own good.  Complete destruction of a tree based on a little mold on its roots?!?  I hate to think what they would do if one our local officials -- such as Our Favorite City Councilman Bobby Shriver or the Governator himself -- contracted a little case of Athletes Foot ...! 

DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

Cheers erupted across Santa Monica this morning as an unidentified driver in a black pick-up truck hit one of the remaining "protective pylons" at 7th and Montana and dragged it hundreds of feet into Our Favorite Parking Lot.  For an encore, he then drove back and forth over the pylon-in-question until it was damaged beyond recognition.  While some claim the incident was merely an accident, I, for one, suspect foul play.  The pylons -- designed to prevent frequent-but-entertaining automotive mishaps at the Curb from Hell -- have incurred the wrath of spectators and auto body repairmen alike ...!

POLE POSITION AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Kudos to Kathy who took pole position this morning in the race for notoriety at 7th and Montana as word spread that she's begun taking Pole Dancing lessons on the sly.  "I'm exploring new avenues of flexibility," she explained, noting that pole dancing gives her a better workout than yoga, swimming or biking.  "Plus," she joked, "I get to channel my inner slut!" 

MAD MAX STRIKES AGAIN AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

Mad Max, Rita's domineering but diminutive pooch, went into playful overdrive this morning, barking up a storm and prancing on tables at 7th and Montana until Nada finally put her foot down.  It seems that certain Starbucks customers found Max's playtime less than hygienic, particularly given his penchant for scraping his behind across the table.  As for Rita, she's focused on a different kind of play.  Her latest project, a new Broadway production called "Moonstone Christmas," will take her to New York part time! 

A LONG, DIGNIFIED WALK (DOWN A SHORT PIER ...)!

                             

Shock waves rippled throughout Santa Monica this morning as the Dignified Walking Lady -- known for her cameo appearances at 7th and Montana and for wearing Klondike Couture in 80-degree heat -- broke her vow of silence in an effort to communicate with me.  "Good Morning," I said.  "Nice Summery weather, eh?"  "Yes," she agreed, and gestured wildly towards the beach.  Either she was trying to tell me that she lives somewhere near Goose Egg Park, or she was suggesting that I take a long, dignified walk of my own ... down a short pier!

CELLing OUR SOULS AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...?!?

                             

It was all work and no play for Robin this morning as she swooped into Starbucks briefly before bob-bob-bobbing along into a Sunday morning conference call.  "Gotta run," she said, after briefly comparing notes with me on the latest Smart Phone technology.  The scene was "typically L.A." and reminiscent of a piece in today's Los Angeles Times where Columnist Steve Lopez coins the term "Latterati" to describe the growing number of Angelinos who seem to manage thriving careers from the inside of a cafe.  Granted, our so-called Smart Phones make it easier than ever to conduct business on-the-go, but something tells me we're losing something in the process, starting with our Sunday mornings ...! 

SELECT PATROL AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Criminals far and wide were shaking in their boots this morning as the "Select Patrol" paddy wagon arrived on the scene at 7th and Montana.  While some believe that the private security force was hired to protect the neighborhood from local lawbreakers, anyone who has ever seen the "Select Patrol" in action knows that their real mission is to provide Comic Relief.  Indeed, the Officer-on-Duty today -- a wheezing, arthritic gnome -- can barely open the door at Starbucks let alone hoist a cup of coffee.  Let's hope his gun isn't loaded! 

CHASE SCENE AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

It was a "chase scene" worthy of Hollywood as our friendly neighborhood King of the Road -- known for leaving his Tioga Motor Home parked for days on end in front of other people's homes -- hit the road this morning with Parking Enforcement Officials in hot pursuit.  The fun began when the King -- no doubt trying to avoid another high-profile altercation -- moved his trailer from its long-term location beside Our Favorite Fixer Upper on Alta.  He maneuvered his way down Lincoln, across Montana and up 7th, leaving a befuddled parking official in his wake.  I followed along as he turned left on Palisades, passing Howard and Cathy's house before heading North on 4th to his ultimate destination, a new parking spot just West of Liz' house on Alta.  I spoke briefly with the King before he beat a hasty retreat and I must say he seemed friendly enough.  I guess his Park is Worse than his Bite ...

"NAME THAT NEIGHBOR ...!"

Hello, everyone.  It's time to play "Name that Neighbor," the stimulating online game designed to expose the Secret Double-Lives of our friends and neighbors.  Our subject today -- a regular at 7th and Montana -- is a real enigma.  While most people know her as an intelligent, down-to-earth former real estate agent, she's also a TV Game Show Junkie whose brush with stardom includes an appearance on "Wheel of Fortune!"  Her winnings over the years have ranged from $10,000 in cash ("back when that was a lot of money") to a One-Year-Supply of Rice-a-Roni (back when carbs were "in").  Who is it?  I'm not telling ... but the photographic evidence should speak for itself!

AND SPARKY MAKES THREE ...!

                             

You have to get up pretty early in the morning these days to catch a glimpse of Dynamic Duo Lea and Karenina as they make the rounds at 7th and Montana.  That's why I wasn't surprised to see them whizzing by at 6:45 this morning.  What did surprise me, however, was that Karenina's dog, Sparky, seems to have joined the fold ... at least for now.  Can the adorable pooch keep up with the indefatigable "twins"?  Time will tell! 

FROM ONE MAGIC KINGDOM TO ANOTHER ...!

An early morning meeting at Disney put the kibosh on my quality time at Starbucks today.  However, there are enough similarities between the studio lot and 7th and Montana to make me feel right at home.  For starters, Disney has its own Starbucks (complete with photos of Walt himself chug-a-lugging some coffee).  Then there's the cast of characters.  Instead of the crazy drivers crashing their way into Our Favorite Parking Lot, Disney has lunatic bike messengers zipping from building to building.  Instead of Our Favorite Fixer Upper, Disney displays relics from its past (including the original platform camera used in their first feature length animated film).  Instead of our friendly neighborhood Trailer King, Disney has rows of trailers for actors and production staff.  Last but not least, instead of a garish Monstrosity Under Construction, Disney has its headquarters building, a whimsical office structure supported by gargantuan dwarfs instead of pillars (let's hope it doesn't give the architect at 7th and San Vicente any ideas).  Still, all things considered, I'll take the Magic Kingdom at 7th and Montana any day!

WHEEL CRAZY AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Holy Shihtzu, now I've seen everything!  In yet another sign that 7th and Montana is going to the dogs, an adorable toy pooch named Ginger made the scene today in her own, customized Baby Buggy.  While it seems the poor pup suffers from arthritis, evidently "doggie baby carriages" are becoming all the rage.  What next, a new line of Doggie Diapers ...?!?  

LETTING IT ALL HANG OUT AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

The crowd was agape this morning as two Unfortunate Fashion Victims let it all hang out at 7th and Montana.  Granted, I'm no fashion plate, but even I know that wearing a skin-tight "mesh" shirt doesn't exactly "mesh" with a protruding beer belly.  Moreover -- as Joyce, Genevieve and Robin were quick to point out -- even Elvis would have turned up his nose at the white shoes one of them was wearing.  Bottom Line:  This is one of those rare occasions when you can be grateful my cell phone camera doesn't have a zoom lens ...!

STAIRWAY TO OBLIVION ...?!?

                         

The builders of the Monstrosity under construction at 7th and San Vicente stepped into the stratosphere of bad taste this morning with the addition of a lopsided stairway leading to nowhere.  Evidently, the red metallic beams I thought were reinforcing the structure (God forbid) where actually meant to support a jaunty, outdoor stairway.  Said one area resident, "I guess the architect is trying to make a statement."  "Yes," I replied.  "It's a cry for help ... someone get him into a '12-step' program before it's too late!"   

CONTROVERSY IS BREWING AT LINCOLN AND MONTANA ...!

                             

It was hard to tell whether the cup was half-full or half-empty this morning at our "latest" Starbucks, as employees scrambled to get their act together at Lincoln and Montana.  Despite previous reports that the new store -- the third Starbucks in a one-block radius -- would open today, inside (upstairs) sources report hearing incessant banging noises all night long.  Indeed, I had to bang on the door a few times myself before a bewildered employee -- pictured here -- admitted that he had no idea whether or not they would be ready to open today.  "I'm desperate," I cried.  "Do you happen to know if there's another Starbucks nearby ...?"