SELECT PATROL AT 7TH AND MONTANA ...!

                             

Criminals far and wide were shaking in their boots this morning as the "Select Patrol" paddy wagon arrived on the scene at 7th and Montana.  While some believe that the private security force was hired to protect the neighborhood from local lawbreakers, anyone who has ever seen the "Select Patrol" in action knows that their real mission is to provide Comic Relief.  Indeed, the Officer-on-Duty today -- a wheezing, arthritic gnome -- can barely open the door at Starbucks let alone hoist a cup of coffee.  Let's hope his gun isn't loaded!